While all of us have been mired in this financial mess, we've forgotten it's back to school time — with many offspring leaving home for college.

Now, I don't have kids. But that shouldn't stop me from giving advice. If anything, being childless allows me the time to contemplate how to raise them.

And so, I've crafted this "Letter to the College Freshman, From Mom and Dad:"

Dear Muffy,

We wish you luck. We're so proud of you, and know you'll do great.

But if you come home claiming meat is murder, while sporting a nose ring and some Asian tattoo stamped on the crack of your ass — you can't come in. If you want to make a statement by mutilating the body God gave you — then go the whole nine: Cut off your face and join a carnival. At least that's a career move with strong profit potential.

If, while away, you've decided that America is at fault for everything, then you will sleep in the backyard and crap in a hole you dug yourself. After all, your professors admire Third World countries, so why not live like you're in one?

We do hope college "opens" your mind, but if you announce that terrorism is just the powerless speaking to the powerful, then we will beat the crap out of you. But we won't behead you. We'll leave that to the powerless.

If you also tell us that capitalism is corrupt and socialism is supreme, then hand over your cell phone and your credit cards. Practice what you preach and reject these trappings of an evil market system. We also want your bong. What can we say? We've earned it.

Also, if you must lecture your father on evil corporations, remember that he toiled at one for years so he could afford your tuition, while paying thousands into useless government programs that your teachers embrace. If, after that, you're still moaning, you will do it naked. Because we will take the clothes off your back and kick you out on your ass. See how life works when everything we worked so hard for disappears?

Finally, if you really think you're an individual — that is, a person who leads instead of follows — then you should easily resist the indoctrination of your delusional professors, misguided dormies and anyone with purple hair.

But if you come home and suddenly you're "edgy" and "angry" — claiming that the BS you picked up on campus is better than the common sense we taught you — then you'll need to find new parents.

Don't worry, we'll still love you. We just can't stand you.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com