So each day, pirates hijack another ship. Today, it's a Saudi supertanker with over $100 million worth in oil — a prize that's pushed global oil prices up by a buck.
Now I hear they've also grabbed a Danish ship, an attack that's also driven up the price of Danish.
So far, over 70 ships have been nailed this year, begging the question: Why pirating and why now?
I'll tell you why: It works. Many ship owners prefer dealing with pirates one-on-one, forking out millions and making pirating a far safer financial risk than dating and trying to poison Star Jones.
But there’s another reason why pirating is huge: Johnny Depp.
With his gorgeous hair, his gleaming muscles and his ample mascara, he's made pirating a glorious occupation — one filled with delightful romance and wondrous cosmetics. He's made pirating so palatable that I've even bought a parrot and started dating Heather Mills.
Predictably, Mr. Depp has been silent on this issue and so has Disney, which also perpetuates pirating through their insidious thrill ride, which after the initial 15-foot drop is hardly thrilling at all. It's more like a conveyor belt snaking through a maze of drunken uncles — you know, the ones that touched you after three drinks.
The fact is that pop culture finds evil far more interesting than those who fight it, with the killer being cool and the Christian always the punch line.
So, as this chaos continues offshore and oil prices shoot up, remember who to thank. It's that little fella from "21 Jump Street," the man who broke Winona's heart and made eyeliner for men cool again: Mr. Depp.
Next time you see him, yank off a nipple ring for me.
And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.