So in Stephenville, Texas, a dozen or so people reported seeing a large object with bright lights flying low and fast in their neighborhood. They called it a UFO, although I might call it "a plane."

See, I've always felt that there are two kinds of people in this world: Those who see UFOS and the rest of us.

The fact of the matter is no one ever sees alien spacecraft in big cities or places where there's a decent Wal-Mart. Sightings of strange flying objects only occur in small towns, where there is little else to do but hope and pray for an anal probing. This is not an insult.

Small towns are great because it's quiet and the beer is cheap — two factors that allow for wishful thinking. See, to me UFOs are the small city version of big city recycling. I mean, I'm sure recycling exists, but I've never seen it. Seems like it all goes into one bin.

It's not that I don't believe in UFOs, it's just that I don't need the unknown to complicate matters. I see things outside my apartment that are all too real and disgusting — and sometimes they fly. They aren't UFOs. They're pigeons. And they can't even work a probe — sadly.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 2 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com