So as you probably know, that comical Copenhagen conference wasn't really about science, it was about wealth transfer. Because of America's "hyper-industrialization," we must now pay off poor countries for all the harm we've caused in the world.
And that's the real green in the green movement: it's cash, not grass. Which makes me think of Christmas.
See, the world's forgotten that the biggest gift this planet has ever received is America's industry, and it's time to remind the world where they would be without it.
• If the U.S. wasn't there when a horrible disaster hit, everyone would die. Be it an earthquake, a tsunami or a Madonna tour, we're the first and biggest responders. Our amazing capability to mobilize quickly makes us a nation of superheroes.
• If the world ever got sick and the U.S. wasn't there, everyone would die. It's true. Even Bono admits it was George Bush who helped save millions of Africans from AIDs. Yeah, I know, our critics say it's easy for America to do this stuff. Well, it's easier not to do it, too.
• If the world is hungry, and the U.S. wasn't there, everyone would die. Let's not forget a yank named Norman Borlaug who saved millions in India and Pakistan by inventing disease-resistant wheat. You can only do that if you consider people before polar bears.
• If the world is under the thumb of fascism, and America wasn't there, everyone would die. We have the greatest military technology ever, and we use it. And that scares the crap out of jackasses, preventing them most of the time from hurting others.
In sum, the very people complaining about America would not be alive if it weren't for America. Which is why I say to them Merry Christmas. It sure beats a pair of socks.
And if you disagree with me, then you're probably a racist.