When it comes to empathy, I've lost all empathy — at least when it comes to its modern definition, which seems less like empathy and more like exclusion.

Imagine original "empathy" as a giant club where everyone understands life; that no matter where you come from, there will always be suffering and loss. Empathy these days, however, is like a row of smaller night clubs, where you only get in if you look exactly like the club's respective bouncers.

As a short, pudgy white guy, I suppose I should only empathize with other short pudgy white guys. I certainly cannot empathize with anyone else, because in the oppressed/oppressor Marxist model, my racial identity is far more important than our shared humanity. I know: I am "whitey," not a real human being.

But that's not empathy. I mean, if you lost a parent, you can empathize with someone — black or white — who lost a parent. If you're short you can empathize with short people — even if they're from Spain. If your Japanese friend loses a job, you empathize, because you remember how that felt when it happened to you (and you're not even Japanese!)

Married men empathize with all married men, regardless of race. Women empathize with all women too, because men are a pain in the ass.

You see, empathy is inclusive, not exclusive.

Empathy also is what dudes at clubs practice when listening to hot women talk about stuff. It truly is amazing how all men can empathize with women half their age.

Bill Clinton once defined empathy so perfectly: "I feel your pain." And boy did he! He'd make a great judge.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com