So here's a fun quiz I think you'll like.
What do Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Benicio Del Toro, Danny Glover, Naomi Campbell and Oliver Stone all have in common?
Was it sex with Punxsutawney Phil?
No, but you're close.
All have had their pictures taken with Hugo Chavez: their happy faces cheek to mottled cheek with the latest sap in socialist splendor.
He is after all, proof that it can happen! The third way! A new Castro! An anti-capitalist David, taking down that Yankee Goliath!
Being around him, means you're more than just an overpaid movie star; you're an overpaid movie star who matters.
So I gotta wonder: Where are these jackasses now?
Well, in the past few weeks we've seen Chavez blame America for the Haitian earthquake; pissed, I imagine, over having to watch Marines save lives. And then, he nationalized a grocery chain, devalued currency, and beat the crap out of his own citizens.
As police fire tear gas and rubber bullets at innocent protestors (who always knew their leader's anti-Americanism existed to hide his incompetence and halitosis), I ask again: Where is Hollywood?
Why hasn't Penn condemned Chavez for insulting our compassionate military?
And what of Glover? Surely an earthquake machine is even too far-fetched for him?
And how about Ms. Campbell? I'm sure she could take a break from beating her assistants, to tell Hugo to lighten up.
After all, these are celebrities. They treat political issues like Fendi handbags: stylish flourishes meant to hide their shallowness and the insecurity it breeds.
And really, coming out against a tyrant won't earn you points with James Cameron, so why bother? Hell, those protestors deserve it anyway. They don't even shop at Whole Foods!
And if you disagree with me, you're probably a white devil!