Ho-Ho-Oh-No!

I want to talk to someone who's out there right now, and this is the only way I know how to do it because I know for a fact he watches this show.

I'm talking about Santa Claus and right now I want to talk directly to Santa Claus. Santa, you have to do something: Hollywood is reaming you. So pull up a toy bench because this one will sleigh you.

I just saw the Will Ferrell comedy "Elf," and Ed Asner plays you. Ed Asner! And I hate to break it to you, C-man, but he's not cheery. And he's got attitude.

But hold onto your oversized belt -- it gets worse. In a couple of weeks, Billy Bob Thornton is going to be playing you as a conman with an attitude and a record.

Santa, you don't need this. You're all that is good and virtuous. Leave it to Hollywood to make you crass and ludicrous.

Don't get me wrong. Will Ferrell plays a funny, if not seriously disturbed human elf with just as serious issues.

But that's not my point, Santa. You are. You're better than these portrayals.

I know I'm old-fashioned, but you're more Miracle on 34th Street, than two bit criminal turned nice guy on 42nd Street.

Back then, you smiled. You laughed. You kidded. You didn't belch, or curse, or steal.

You deserve better than Hollywood's giving you. These shows make the one on Ronald Reagan look like a Hallmark Classic.

I say ram your big black boot up the backside of some of these yuletide losers.

Skip their homes. Ignore their chimneys. Bypass Hollywood altogether – it’s too hot for you anyway.

I've heard of making Christmas secular, but I didn't think it meant making Christmas -- or you -- sick.

Frankly, I think it's time for kick-butt, Santa. I know you're way too nice to do it. But, with some of these Hollywood guys, I'd sure love to see it.

Watch Neil Cavuto's Common Sense weekdays at 4 p.m. ET on Your World with Cavuto.