It must be nice.
Someone please remind me, if I'm ever in a public relations jam, to take a page out of the Hollywood crisis management playbook and come clean on some kind of addiction.
Lost too much money playing blackjack at the Hard Rock Casino?
"I'm addicted to gambling, and I need help."
Got caught canoodling with two strippers at some gentlemen's nightclub while shooting a made-for-TV movie in Canada?
"I'm addicted to sex, and I need help."
Got caught shoplifting at Saks?
"I'm a kleptomaniac, and I need help."
Got caught driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs?
"I'm an alcoholic or I'm addicted to prescription pain killers, and I need help."
Got caught cheating on my wife and granting special favors to my gay lover?
"I'm a gay American, and I used bad judgment because I was living a tortured lie."
Got caught plagiarizing from Dave Barry's archives for my Grrr! column?
"I'm so stressed trying to live up to my audience and meet those deadlines, and I need help."
And why not?
It worked for Winona Ryder, it worked for Michael Douglas, it worked for Jim McGreevey, it worked for Rush Limbaugh (although as many readers point out, he did own up to his actions) and it's going to work for Rhode Island congressman Patrick Kennedy, too.
How convenient that we have so many addictions and so many forgiving people out there. The more addictions we can come up with, the more human our celebrities, elected officials and members of the media become.
Isn't that nice?
Yes, addictions are extremely difficult to overcome, and I don't mean to minimize the challenge. But why not simply take responsibility for one's actions and come clean on the real issues?
How about, "I've been a selfish jerk for so long it's hard for me to decipher right from wrong anymore, and I'm going to go away for a while and hopefully come back a better person."
Instead, when caught with our hands in the cookie jar, the first thing we do is look for someone or something to blame. Anything but ourselves. After all, it can't be my fault.
The definition of Oblivions are people who are rude and inconsiderate without ever realizing how abhorrent their own behavior is. There are Oblivions reading this column right now, nodding in agreement.
"Can you believe those other people?"
Here's a little personal Grrr of mine ... for years now, every suit I bought needed major alterations in the pants. I wear a 41 Short jacket, and that means the pants that come with the suit are usually something like 38 waist with a 34 inseam — which I can swim in.
And even if I find a nice suit on sale, I still have to spend nearly $100 at the tailor to get the pants recut. It also means that my belt loops are always too close together in the back, and the rear end is never quite right. It's a real Grrr!
Over the weekend I hit up a Lord and Taylor department store, and they're selling suit separates nowadays, in both Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein models. I was able to buy 41S jackets along with 32/30 pants! And I save $100 bucks on getting pants re-cut, so to me, it's a real bargain.
Just an FYI for anyone out there with the same problem I have when buying suits.
VIDEO: Watch Mike's "Real Deal" Web cast.