Grrr! Susan Wal-Martian Is Back

Susan Wal-Martian embodies everything that is annoying in an Oblivion.

At the office she's everybody's "big sister," making sure co-workers are getting to the doctor to get that persistent cough checked out, or commenting on the attire of everyone within sight, drawing attention to people who don't necessarily care for it.

"Wow, that's a terrific sweater Janeane," or "Great tie, Joe."

But perhaps Susan's most annoying quirk is how every story anybody is telling always seems to relate to Susan. It's magical, really.

For instance, if one has a headache, well, Susan has migraines that debilitate her whenever they come on. In fact, Susan "usually" keeps a bottle of green apple shampoo that she can sniff whenever she feels a migraine coming on, but when asked to produce said bottle, she must have left it home.

When Susan has a rash on her back it's actually a case of shingles, and pain in her shoulder is most definitely bursitis or early onset arthritis, something that just happens to run in her family.

And please don't bring up any bathroom ailments, because she will top you with irritable bowel syndrome or two week's worth of painful constipation. This time she can produce the extra large package of Ex-Lax that brings me back to my wrestling days where I would try anything to cut weight.

Whenever a television segment that deals with health comes along, people who know Susan, like family or friends, try desperately to change the channel, lest they get stuck listening to how the latest medical discovery will change Susan's life in some way, shape or form.

When Susan is actually sick and needs tests, she'll tell people that "they" are sending her for tests or "they" are sending her for an MRI, as if she is a special case of patient that has the medical community, collectively "they," baffled and intrigued.

"They are sending me for X-rays." Wow, Susan, and to think that I had X-rays just last week that my personal physician ordered for me. I had no idea that X-rays were so mysterious. I guess I should have been more worried about the procedure.

Of course, hypochondria isn't the only annoyance that Susan Wal-Martian has mastered. Don't forget that when anchorman Peter Jennings died, he was her "favorite newsman," even though her television is locked on a channel that is not ABC, not to mention that she hasn't watched the evening news in decades.

Not to mention, we all thought the late David Bloom was her favorite newsman. At least that's what she said when he died.

Of course her favorite television show was "Arrested Development," which was "tragically cancelled," but she doesn't know who played Bob Loblaw.

Any and all discussions somehow always come back to Susan. When she was a kid, nobody talked back to adults, and if so, her mother or father would "smack me upside the head." Of course, when a conversation about abusive parents come up, her parents "wouldn't think of hitting me."

She is the ultimate Polignorant who complains about whatever administration happens to occupy the White House, but who never gets to the voting booth because she is simply too busy, but she'll vote next time, for sure.

She's the type of person who will take the opinion of whichever person of authority she happened to read or catch on the cable channel as her own, not really knowing where she stands. All she knows is that it sounded good when she heard it.

In short, we all know someone like Susan Wal-Martian, and we all indulge her in our own way.

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