How about this heat?
Is it hot enough for you?
Stay cool out there.
Don't melt out there.
OK, I get it. It's hot out there. Now let me sweat in peace.
Don't you just hate it when people comment on the weather ad nauseum? What, do they think you didn't notice that it was hot out there? It's August, for crying out loud. Hot happens.
The thing I most hate about the heat are the pangs.
You know when you're just about to break a sweat and you start to get little pangs of pain all over your face, like fire ants are crawling all over you, feasting on your forehead and scalp?
Yeah, I hate the pangs.
Imagine having partied all night and then having to go and work out in this heat? I mean, it's enough to send one to the hospital for heat exhaustion. Imagine working as a street paver, or a landscaper or how about a movie star?
Can you imagine standing for hours on end in this heat, under lights, face all made up with cosmetics, hair sprayed and gelled and coiffed, and then having to deliver lines? And then, after getting sick, having to endure a letter from the CEO of the movie company threatening fiduciary damages if you got sick again?
Lindsay Lohan can.
By now you've read or heard about the scolding letter the former teen temptress received last week for not showing up for work, claming "heat exhaustion."
At first I was with Morgan Creek CEO James Robinson all the way. It's about time movie stars figure out who holds the cards, right?
I mean, even Vincent Chase of "Entourage" got fired from "Aquaman II" by the fictional head of Warner Brothers after the fictional star blew off a breakfast meeting with the fictional mogul.
Maybe Robinson watched that episode last week and grew a pair?
"I'll show that Lindsay Lohan," he probably said.
What's funny about Robinson's letter to Lohan is that he's the guy who green lighted the film, starring Lohan, in the first place. Perhaps he should be writing himself a letter of condemnation for having such poor judgment in the first place.
After all, Lohan's partying ways have been well documented for at least two years now.
Oh well, back to the heat...
I also hate the combination of hot and hungry. When I'm hot and hungry I have to avoid people, because I turn into a monster. Ornery is too kind a word for it. Hellacious is better. How do you feel when you're hot and hungry?
The worst is when it's winter, and you're bundled up with wool coats and scarves and you're out Christmas shopping and when you get inside the mall, BAM. Hot.
Of course, we never take off our coats until we can't bear it anymore, because lugging coats, hats, gloves and scarves around is inconvenient.
Shopping malls should whip out the shopping carts in the winter time, so people can shop without having their coats hanging on their arms, shifting from left to right, dropping on the floor, draped over some clothes rack, whatever.
You get so hot that you're violently removing outdoor clothing. You're sweating. Grrrr!
I know, move to San Francisco or Phoenix or Santa Fe where it doesn't get cold enough for all of that inconvenience.
Today, it's 90 degrees in New York City. The women are walking around in flip-flops and min-skirts and tank tops, trouncing around offices citywide in little to no clothing. Never mind that with air conditioning it's actually freezing indoors.
Somehow these women manage the cold indoors. I don't know, maybe they go outside often to thaw out? Maybe they sacrifice comfort for the sake of looking good?
Me and the rest of the men? We're sweating in our suits and ties, and then freezing in the office because we're drenched from the heat, and now it's 30 degrees cooler than it was just a minute ago.
And forget about working out during the day.
Even if you take an ice cold shower after hitting the gym, by the time you're back in your suit you're dripping with sweat again, as your body begins its cool down period after 30 minutes on the treadmill.
But there's not much one can do about heat.
Did I mention that it's hot out there?