Grrr! Do You Know Susan Wal-Martian?

When it comes to annoying the average citizen, Susan Wal-Martian takes the cake.

She thinks that cans of dog food — no matter how many — count as just one item. Therefore, when she enters the express checkout lane (10 items or less) with 24 cans of dog food, plus nine other items, by golly, she's well within her rights.

Of course, she pushes her cart into the nearest empty parking space after loading her goods into her Hummer, because walking a few more feet to the cart corral is just too much to ask.

Besides, she says, "Somebody gets paid to round up those carts. It's not my job."

After leaving the store, Susan has a problem merging onto the highway with such a large vehicle, so she sits at the yield sign and waits until there is absolutely no traffic in the right lane, wondering why people behind her are leaning on their horns.

When Susan Wal-Martian is hungry she likes to go to Subway for the low-fat sandwiches (Incidentally, a note to Subway: Lose Jared). Anyway, Susan goes to Subway practically every day during her lunch break.

But no matter how many times she's been there, the concept of knowing what she wants when she gets to the front of the line is way too much for her. No matter how long she's been waiting to order, she still has to ponder the merits of the plain Italian roll versus the Parmesan cheese alternative.

At the grocery store, Susan is delighted to see her next-door neighbors, whom she doesn't deign to speak with at home, but she'll block the cereal aisle with her cart to blab endlessly with them, catching up on the last five years.

Never mind the people sighing loudly as they maneuver by her. She doesn't even notice.

At her favorite restaurant, it's very important for Susan to let her waiter or waitress know that she is a regular customer, so she'll give them a review of exactly what was wrong with her last meal there, and then order the exact same thing.

In the morning, Susan is very keen on smelling good, so right before she gets out of her car she sprays a considerable amount of her White Diamonds perfume all over her, so she's smelling of powdery flowers for the packed elevator ride up to her office.

"You never know who'll take notice."

Yeah, how about the allergy police!

Anyway, look around you. Susan Wal-Martian is close at hand. She may even be in the mirror.

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Mike Straka is the director of operations and special projects for, and covers entertainment and features on the Sunday program "FOX Magazine." He also writes the weekly Grrr! Column and hosts "The Real Deal" video segments on