Greg Gutfeld's Keys to Success

In Texas, the State Board of Education will be making important decisions about your child's curriculum. I say "your child" because I have no kids — unless you count my ferrets Captain Sparkles and Dangerzone. They're children to me, but alas they don't read books — yet.

Anyway, this 15-member board will be deciding what's in and what's out and then publishers will follow, since Texas — after all — is one of the largest textbook buyers in the world.

Now, I keep hearing rumors about scary changes being made to the books. But, we're missing the point: It's not about what's being replaced, but what's being excluded entirely from the process.

I am referring to things kids really need to know to prevent them from a life of failure.

Here's my list:

1. If you keep food in your bedroom, you're probably going to be a shut-in later in life.

2. Getting laid regularly in high school correlates with career failure later in life. Get what you want before you've earned it and the rainbow ends in misery — see Leif Garrett.

3. Geeks inherit the Earth, not jocks — see previous point.

4. Your opinions mean little until you pay taxes or fight wars.

5. The views of people you think are cool — like actors or pop stars — should never be trusted; they live a life independent of consequence.

6. Tattoos and piercings are just modern versions of conformity and will get you nowhere in life except working the counter at Hot Topic.

7. Achievement is more gratifying than fame. Being known for being good at something is better than just being known — see any O'Neal offspring.

8. As much as you hate your parents, you'll end up needing them more than they need you.

9. Unicorns rule and griffins suck. Get that through your thick skull and you may end up a raving success.

10. Make your bed.

And if you disagree with me, you're probably a homophobic racist who wants to ban Christmas.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: