So on an ABC webcast, Charlie Gibson tossed to a U.S. intelligence report that suggests global warming is helping the Taliban. The logic: temperatures rise, droughts continue, and lo and behold, people become suicide bombers.

This is nothing new, of course. Global warming is the Kevin Bacon of root causes: You can link everything back to it, including "Footloose."

Amazingly, you can even blame terror on global warming, even if the current science suggests the globe may be cooling!

But you know what's causing global cooling?

Global warming.

But you knew that.

So, for this report to work, you need to ignore that for the last 11 years we haven't seen a bump in global temperatures. You also have to ignore that many terrorists aren't destitute farmers — some are scientists who might enjoy a good strip club. And then there's this contradiction: The report mentions how Afghanistan's horrible agriculture boosts the Taliban; but then links Taliban success to enormous poppy crops — which, as Schulz can attest, makes a mighty fine heroin.

Now, let's say global warming is real. That means there are billions of us experiencing it, who aren't resorting to terrorism. Kenya isn't overflowing with Taliban, and neither is Palm Springs. But the fact is, people who willingly accept the term "man-caused disaster" over the word "terror" will also accept any "root cause" explanation.

So blame it on the weather. In the end, it just means we're all capable of being suicide bombers, if the climate changes.

But not for me. When it gets balmy, I don't get bomby.

I get thongy.

And if you disagree with me, then you're probably a racist.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com