So GLAAD, which stands for Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation — and also makers of a pretty awesome trash bag — e-mailed me over our segment on Thomas Beattie, the lady passing herself off as the first pregnant man.
We called them back, and they were pretty upset with us. We quickly invited GLAAD to be on the show, but they said no. Maybe it's because only gays and lesbians are the ones that matter, which is pretty intolerant if you ask me.
Anyway, all this laughable outrage about Beattie hasn't even touched on what we said. See, we told the truth and nailed the media on their cowardice — that calling a "she" a "he" only works if "he" ain't pregnant. Because of this, we've been maligned by humorless creeps who only champion tolerance if you agree with them. If not, then they want you dead. One angry person said I have bad breath, but it was probably an old houseboy who's still mad I ate one of his ears.
But here's the thing: If GLAAD says Thomas is a man, then he's really straight — and GLAAD has no reason to defend him. But if they do defend him, then they're saying he's a woman who likes women, which means "Red Eye" is right. But really this controversy only exists in the addled minds of people who fear biology, as well as those cowards scared that they will be seen as narrow-minded.
Seriously people, you're going to have to do better than calling me mean-spirited. Try explaining why you think Beattie is a man. The winner gets a free date with me, in knee pads (we're going rollerblading!).