Whether it's an “ouch!” or an “oops,” nearly every lover has been there. For both amateurs and seasoned veterans in the sack, few go unscathed when it comes to embarrassing sex moments.
Sex discourse is hard enough, so few can field the teasing, torment, and judgment that accompany the reputation of a sexual screw-up. It’s just not sexy.
After all, bedroom blunders rarely make the “big screen.” Like in Hollywood, our lovemaking and sexual pursuits are supposed to be problem-free. Nothing goes wrong, ever, or so we’re made to believe ... until we find ourselves red-faced instead of romantically red-hot, fielding an unexpected real-life error that kills the erotic scene.
If it’s any consolation, you can recoup from most of these moments. Most partners worth sleeping with will forgive –- and hopefully forget –- instead of wallow in amorous accidents.
Still, how you recover is what can make your misfortune more love-inducing or lame. In recovering from common sex blunders, just remember the following ...
1. Sex Can Be Clumsy
Whether accidentally knocking heads, pulling hair or taking an elbow in the eye, it’s important to remember that our movements aren’t as well orchestrated as that of a symphony. Bodies bumping up against one another can get out of control and out of sync.
This is especially true in tight quarters, like one’s car, where lovers feel lucky just to move around. In freeing a limb or swinging a foot or trying to turn over, something is going to be in the way. Don’t make a bigger deal out of the klutzy situation than is warranted. Just kiss the boo-boo, make it feel better, and get on with things.
2. A Full Bladder is No Fun
For most people, there is no worse time to hold your bladder than during sex. But people do (some people actually enjoy the sensations this provides). They would rather suffer their way through painful sex than call a time-out to hit the toilet. In worst-case scenarios, they wet the bed, which totally ruins the mood. Women pay an even greater price, because they can develop a urinary tract infection.
If you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go. No apologies. Any caring lover will understand the need for a two-minute bathroom break, knowing that sex sans the need to pee will make for more passion. Don’t get hung up on wondering if you will “ruin the mood.” Just excuse yourself with the promise to return and resume. And if you’ve already wet the bed, pretend it’s a wet spot due to other bodily fluids. Few will dare call you out on this fib.
3. Naked Bodies Do Make Noises
By far one of the most heart-stopping noises in the sack is that of a “fart.” I put that in quotes because sounds of breaking wind don’t actually always involve intestinal gas.
Sweaty bodies can catch air as they rub up against each other, making it sound like somebody just ripped one. Air getting caught up in the vaginal canal, more commonly known as a “queef,” also may resemble a farting noise. All of these sounds are common and often unavoidable.
Sure, these sounds aren’t sexy, especially when someone lets out an actual toot. To handle this gracefully, let yourselves giggle about it. Own the mortifying moment by letting out a laugh. After all, these body sounds are pretty funny.
4. Sexual Shakespeares Are Not Made Overnight
Like with so many sex acts, practice makes perfect. The same goes for erotic talk. In expanding your sexual vernacular, a little bit of rehearsal may be required. What this means is that both lovers will have to the bear the brunt of a bad delivery, poor choice of words, and the just plain “cheesy” factor.
If you’re the one being wooed with words, don’t criticize. Instead, mirror their intention or theme back to your lover, but with erotic expressions that work for you. This indirectly indicates what you find hot.
If you’re the one struggling to utter this literal language of love, throw the ball in your partner’s court by stating that you’re so turned on you can’t think straight. Admit that being spoon-fed some libidinous lingo would be much appreciated! Then figure out other ways to effectively use your tongue.
5. Bad Breath Stinks
George Orwell wrote, “You can have affection for a murderer, but you cannot have an affection for a man whose breath stinks.” Well said, George. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about the situation. Whether your breath reeks, or you’re keeling over from that of your lover’s, simply state that you want to be more kissable.
Explain that fresh breath will make both of you feel like getting fresher. Then ask your lover if he or she would like a piece of gum, a breath mint, or care to join you for some toothbrush time. Be playful about it.
6. ‘Drunk Driving’ Isn’t Always Sexy
People like to hook up when they’re inebriated. When barriers are down, they tend to feel super sexy, so they'll often take a chance in getting all over a love interest, even when their digestive system begs to differ.
Unless your lover is into emetophlia (a sexual attraction to vomit), it’s best to abstain from any kind of sexual rendezvous when you’ve had a few too many. And if your passion play actually ever involves projectile (or other fluids for that matter), just remember: Humans can learn from their mistakes. Apologize and send flowers as soon as you’ve sobered up.
7. EMTs Have Seen it All.
Solo or not, people don’t always make the wisest decisions when it comes to experimenting with sex or sexual objects, especially when it comes to putting foreign objects in certain places. Injuries happen. Things get stuck. Don’t be afraid to call for medical assistance when necessary. Emergency medical technicians really have seen it all.
Sexpert Q & A: Tell me more about common-law marriages. Which states recognize them? Click here to read Yvonne's answer.
Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, "Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots."