FOXSexpert: Dealing With a Selfish Lover

Occasionally, you are “that” lover. Then there are times when your partner becomes “that” lover. But when being erotically egocentric isn’t the exception to the rule, having a selfish lover can be a bit of a problem.

Despite the adage that “to give is to receive,” supporting only one person’s wanton welfare gets really old really fast.

At first, it’s hard to fault a lover for being self-consumed during sex. After all, it’s a bit of a compliment — a sign that he or she must be having a really good time. It’s sweet ... until you realize that you’re the one always left hanging. With your lover lost to the pleasuring, you’re getting zero help in becoming sexually satiated as well.

Selfishness happens. But when it’s habit, how do you handle this lover?

People are selfish lovers for different reasons. So dealing with this intimacy killer is going to come down to the type of situation you’re fielding ...

Scenario: Your lover doesn’t know how to give pleasure.

Some lovers don’t know how to have good sex, or at least not with you. Sexually ignorant, they think it’s OK to focus on the self. In this case, a “show and tell,” with explicit explanations, is in order. While your partner watches, you’re going to pleasure yourself, making sure to give plenty of instruction on what feels good.

Eventually, you’ll want to let your lover take over, giving direction when necessary. This can be done by taking your lover’s hands and moving them in ways you like to be touched. Alternatively, you can place your partner’s hand over yours in feeling the movements you like best.

Scenario: Your partner won’t reciprocate.

Your lover gladly accepts oral pleasuring, but return the favor? — no way. How should you respond? The next time your lover makes a request, respond with, “Okay, but me first!” If you don’t get what you want, go on strike.

Launch this by defusing the situation, acknowledging that selfishness happens on occasion. At the same time, one partner cannot be expected to continually make sacrifices for the other. Acknowledge that you can understand that your lover gets incredibly excited by your abilities — and that it’s quite nice to go to town — but that you need some attention too. Then outline the terms of your equal erotic rights campaign, stating your needs, especially as they relate to sexual gratification.

Scenario: Your lover can’t wait to get to home plate.

Caught up in the excitement of a pending orgasm, it can be all too easy to focus on the destination, forgetting about the ride. This goal-oriented lover needs to learn the importance of foreplay in building both sexual response and intimacy. You can start the process by being a tease, making your partner wait for the next pitch. For example, ask for a sensual massage.

Explain that neither of you is going to batter up till you warm up. If your lover doesn’t respect your needs, and continues to rush, bolster your efforts by stressing that togetherness makes for the grand slam. Yes, it can be fun to hit a solo home run, but it's even more satisfying when there are others on base.

Scenario: Your partner could care less about your pleasuring.

I saved the diciest for last, since working through this one requires the most work. If you’re involved with someone who isn’t into mutual pleasuring, remember that there’s a lot more fun to be had in grabbing your favorite enhancements and hanging a “Do Not Disturb” sign on your bedroom door. If the energy you’re putting out is depreciating in returns, save it for yourself.

Do not spoil this individual by maintaining this one-way street. The two of you should do no more than talk until this person realizes that it takes two to tango. In having such a discussion, make the point that you feel that your partner isn’t engaged. Don’t come at this in an accusatory way saying, for example, “You’re only out for yourself during sex.” Your partner will feel under attack and likely shut down.

Instead, strive for a better response by sharing your emotions, “I feel like we’re not connecting when we have sex. I’m sad that my pleasuring seems secondary.”

If your partner seems unsympathetic, bring out the big guns. Nothing gets a lover listening more than, “I’m frustrated that I have yet to have an orgasm with you.”

While a buzz kill, this is sure to get the attention you’re after. People take such matters very personally, and knowing one’s performance is substandard may be all the motivation needed.

In any of these cases, as you retrain your partner, you want to reward good deeds. This can be as simple as a positive affirmation when things go in your favor. (Note: “ooo’s,” and “ahhhh’s” are quite effective.) Other erotic awards should be based on what your lover enjoys, such as a nice rubdown during afterplay. Once selfish lovers realize that a pleasure shared is doubled, they’re likely to see that as the biggest prize.

Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, "Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots."

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