Dennis Miller on Clinton Sniper Fire Fib, Jesus Look-Alike Contest

This is a rush transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," March 25, 2008. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight: Our guy Dennis has been following the treacherous political landscape, where even Judas is now involved, along with Jesus being used as a gimmick in San Francisco. The star of "Amnesia" and talk radio joins us now from Los Angeles.

All right. So, Hillary was under fire but then not, and what say you?

DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, Bill, I think Hillary has fallen into that unfortunate syndrome. I believe the strict Latin derivation is Pinocchius absentius, where you don't even realize that you're lying any more, quite frankly. That's where she's come to in her life.

I don't believe anything Hillary has to say. I think when Hillary cried on her way out of the womb she was faking that to guilt the doctor into giving her a front-row bassinet in the display case. I don't believe anything she says. I don't even know if she knows she's lying anymore.

O'REILLY: Now, have you always been that...

MILLER: I don't know if we can afford to have that as a president.

O'REILLY: Have you always been that judgmental about Senator Clinton? Or was there something that you saw in her at some point that made you form that opinion?

MILLER: Jeez, Bill. Never have you more blatantly played devil's advocate. There's a residence coming off you.

Let me say this: I read Hillary's book. I got to the chapter where she said she had no idea Bill was running around on her, and I remember thinking, "Really? I'm pretty sure you're not smart enough to be my president then, honey." Because that is a massive Macy's balloon-sized tea leaf that you failed to read there.

O'REILLY: Well, look, Miller, no, wait a minute. If you were under fire like that, if you were pinned down, you wouldn't know what your spouse was doing either, Miller.

MILLER: You're saying she was pinned down?

O'REILLY: No, I'm saying that she thought she was pinned down so how could she possibly know that was what was going on on the home front?

MILLER: Bill, this, you think this — you think Monica Lewinsky was the first one? Now come on.

O'REILLY: I'm being facetious, Miller. The devil has a sense of humor, too. OK?


O'REILLY: I think that went right over there.

MILLER: You're too sly. It's a shot over my head like the sniper that's in the studio with me right now.

O'REILLY: Look, I just want to caution you. You keep doing this "Amnesia" thing, you're just going to keep losing it and you're not going to remember anything ever.

MILLER: What's the name of this show, young man?

O'REILLY: Judas — I was shocked when James Carville, who I believe was at the Last Supper himself, called Governor Richardson "Judas." Were you as appalled as I was?

MILLER: I look at Carville's picture there. I'm just shocked when you squint that much you still need glasses.

Listen, the Clintons run with rough guys. But gala, that is the most hateful smile I've ever seen. A big toothy cleaver. When you're talking about Skeletor here, he plays rough. You better wear a cup.

O'REILLY: Skeletor?

MILLER: Yes. I always look at Carville, and he's like a Muppet that was accidentally washed on hot or something. There's never any rational discourse with Carville. You just ask him a question and you might as well yank the pull starter on that ugly garlic knot of a head of his. He starts yipping away like some satanic Chihuahua under a strobe light. And he's PO'd here. He's more unhinged than a tater cellar door in a Cat 5 hurricane. Richardson got under his skin.

And by the way, I want to compliment Richardson for showing up to get the Mexican vote in the El Diablo goatee. I mean, for God's sakes, why didn't he just show up in a Mexican wrestling mask?

O'REILLY: All right, let's recap. Some kind of satanic Chihuahua under a light with a Mexican wrestling mat. I caught most of it. I caught most of what you said. But that was really fast. You know what we're going to have to do? We're going to have to rerun that and kind of slow it down a little bit.

All right. Let's...

MILLER: Let me send you the Cliff Notes, Bill. Let me send you the Cliff Notes.

O'REILLY: I got the Chihuahua under the light though. Because we have the "Dog Whisperer." So I'll ask him that.

All right. Now, we're going to segue from Judas to Jesus in our favorite town, San Francisco, which despises any remnants of Christianity or Judaism or any organized religion on Easter Sunday. The hunky Jesus contest was launched. What say you?

MILLER: I say that whatever covenant I have with God — and I assume most people do — it's not impinged upon by moron homosexual guys having parades in San Francisco. My sanctum Santorum I set the cover charge. Idiots don't get in. And if they want to do this, fine. Nobody should get involved except God. If God wants to smote them, if he's still in the smoting business, he should. Other than that, it matters not a twit to me. These guys looking for a gay parade theme every week.

O'REILLY: Tell me the truth, Miller. I want you to answer this question truthfully.

MILLER: I am telling you the truth.

O'REILLY: Wouldn't you love to see all of these people turn to salt? Wouldn't that be just great?

MILLER: I don't know, Bill. It's just — it doesn't matter to me.

O'REILLY: Just for a day. Just for a day. Turn them to salt for a day. Then they can go back to whatever they're doing.

MILLER: As long as it's sea salt, Bill, because I want healthy people turned into salt.

O'REILLY: Good point.

MILLER: There was one positive story this week. I have to get this out, Bill. In times when the Sturm und Drang of politics brings us down, I have to salute the New York governor. Turns out he had many affairs. He was doing marijuana. He was doing blow. And I just want to say to all the visually impaired people out there, this is proof-positive that, if you set your mind to it, you can do anything. So God bless the governor.

O'REILLY: Miller, you didn't say that on national TV, did you?

MILLER: Well, I'm just saying, it's an inspiration to blind all across this country. Go for it, kids.

O'REILLY: Ai! All right. Dennis Miller, everybody, with the satanic Chihuahua under a heat lamp and encouraging sightless people to follow in the governor of New York's footsteps or something. We'll see you next week, Dennis. I hope. You may be arrested.

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