Right about now, they should be getting the letter.

Every major health insurance company CEO in America, is opening up the letter — the one from Democratic Congressmen Henry Waxman and Bart Stupak. The one demanding these villain de jour health insurance CEOs give them every financial detail: From how much they're paying their folks to where they're taking them for retreats.

The congressmen are quick to point out this isn't a subpoena — just a request. So let's say I'm a health insurance company CEO receiving this and I just write a letter back. It'd go something like this:

Dear Congressmen Waxman and Stupak,

What a pleasant surprise. Here I thought you were too busy crafting a health care reform package, but you took the time to write me. My bad, assuming you were too busy crunching numbers to pay for this without going on a witch hunt, seeking numbers that really have nothing to do with this.

Regardless, I'm happy to comply.

But while we're needlessly rifling through our records, readily available for you on the Internet, would you mind doing the same? Because we've had a devil of a time finding your records on the Internet or anywhere else. Specifically, Congressmen, when you ask about our corporate retreats, might we inquire about yours? When you demand to know how we got to those retreats, may we ask which of your private planes got you to yours? And when you're asking us to account for policy premium money spent, might you be so kind as to forward the same information about the considerably larger taxpayer sums you've been spending?

Or, perhaps, Congressmen, might we put all this nastiness aside if you merely accept the enclosed check as a down payment, if you will, on our industry's new ad campaign supporting your reform efforts?

We know that seemed to do the trick for our golfing buddies in the drug industry. They had told us this would be so much easier. Silly us for quibbling.

Again, Congressmen, I'm sure we can work something out. After all, who has time to check paperwork, when a simple check will do?



Lucifer Life,
Chief Executive,
Evil Health Insurance Corp.

P.S. We regret to inform you that regardless of the above, there simply is no coverage for pre-existing political weenies. But we'll do our best to find something suitable for your slimy condition.

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