Charlie Sheen has penned a fictitious conversation with President Obama regarding the 9/11 attack.

See, the star of "Scary Movie 3" — and "Scary Movie 4" — believes that Bush/Cheney planned it all and feels Obama should investigate it immediately, in an effort to answer a "bottomless warren of unanswered questions."

Now, never mind how repulsive this is to anyone personally affected by the terror attack. Sheen is just awesome for revealing what makes conspiracy theorists so pathetic.

First, the egomania. In this "open letter," Sheen writes that the president admits liking "Two and a Half Men." And here I thought Martin was the crazy one in the family.

Second, there's the mental masturbation. When it comes to "truther" obsession, the questioning will always be — as Sheen says — "bottomless." That's the joy of conspiracy: It's an endless bag of Doritos, except instead of chips you get comebacks like "that's what they want you to think," and "open your eyes, dude."

It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad.

And third: the contradictions. Sheen claims that 9/11 was the pretext for the "systematic dismantling of our Constitution." He says this without realizing that since 9/11, not a single person has shut him up. His relentless babble has done more to prove there is no cover-up than anything, ever! Damn, I wish the government would silence him or at least get him a haircut better suited for a middle-aged man.

But look, I love Sheen because he's a man unencumbered by self-awareness. Think about it: The world's most famous clueless druggie, gambling-addicted, whore-banger thinks he's uncovered a conspiracy and we should all believe him.

How cute is that?

And if you disagree with me, then you're probably a racist.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com