Change Comes to ACORN

After a wave of scandals rocked the ACORN folks, they did what any normal organization would do: They got rid of the staff and replaced them with honest, hardworking people.

Nah, just kidding. They just changed their name. So, you know, that way no one will remember who they are.

Right now the group's affiliate in California has become the Alliance of Californians for Community Empowerment. In New York, ACORN has become New York Communities for Change.

Ah, empowerment! Change! The only thing missing is hope and not just in the title.

Which leads me to wonder: What was that meeting like when they came up with all those new names?

Perhaps the "Red Eye" Robots can act it out for us all — with British accents perhaps? Yes, with British accents:


"RED EYE" ROBOT 1: So Marcus, now that we are no longer ACORN, I have some suggestions for new names.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 2: Let's hear them.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 1: The Organization of Good Things and Fun Stuff.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 2: I like. How about the United Fund of Free Crap and Kittens Made of Glitter?

"RED EYE" ROBOT 1: Better. How about the Tree House of Sexy Leprechauns?

"RED EYE" ROBOT 2: Sweet. But what about Free Hookers and Cocaine; it's direct.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 1: How about: Come in Here, We're Lonely?

"RED EYE" ROBOT 2: That's too depressing. How about: Abigail Breslin.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 1: Isn't that an actress?

"RED EYE" ROBOT 2: Yes, everyone likes her. If we are called Abigail Breslin, everyone will like us.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 1: How about: You Suck, We Rule.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 2: The Den of Eternal Love Tomatoes.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 1: The Association of Cool People With Great Hair.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 2: The League of Wonderful Rainbow Makers.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 1: The Brotherhood of Cut-up Hotdog Lovers.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 2: I love cut-up hotdogs.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 1: Everyone does. How about: The Administration of Happiness and Combos.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 2: I love combos.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 1: Me too.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 2: I love combos more.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 1: I find that hard to believe.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 2: [Expletive] you.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 1: No, [expletive] you.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 2: I'll cut you.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 1: Not if I cut you first.

"RED EYE" ROBOT 2: Let's make out. I'll bring the tarp.


Awe, they're so adorable when they swear.

Look, if you ask me (and you should have) this name changing business smells like a super-sized version of witness relocation. It's a large scale shell game where the acorns become walnuts and you can't find the pea. Or where to pee.

And, if you disagree with me, you're probably a homophobic racist who wears fur.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: