Every year about this time, I offer my Christmas shopping advice.
Ladies, I'm sorry, but this isn't for you. This is for the men in your lives.
I don't care if you think it's sexist.
The facts are the facts.
And the facts are women don't need my shopping advice. Men sorely do.
So guys, here now, my 2005 shopping tips for you:
Tip 1: Don't comparison shop. It's a waste of time. Like I've said, who cares if you're on a checkout line and the woman behind you -- and it's always a woman -- tells you that you can get the same exact sweater half price at the store at the other end of the mall, don't move. Like I said, it's at the other end of the mall.
Tip 2: Don't look for this year's hot gifts. They're hot for a reason: Everyone's got them. They're not stupid like you and waiting until the last minute to find them. They've been found, you've been had. Deal with it.
Tip 3: Don't go weird. There's no way in hell your wife will ever like a combination eggbeater and blender. You know it deep down. Just because you're desperate doesn't mean you should be stupid.
Tip 4: Don't buy gift certificates. Sure women love to shop, but they like to think they're worth a little more legwork than you signing your loser name to some silly coupon. They want a present, not a voucher! And besides, it's Christmas, not "Let's Make a Deal."
Tip 5: Don't buy anything on sale... ever. Women instinctively know you bought it on sale, wonder why you would buy them something on sale, why they weren't good enough to warrant you buying something that wasn't on sale. I don't care what they say, women will never give you credit for being a savvy shopper. They'll just think you're cheap. Just put the overly picked off, unfolded and refolded item down, move slowly away from the sales bin, suck it up and pay up... elsewhere.
I wish I could offer you more such pearls of wisdom, but you've got shopping to do. Make me proud. Make your lady even prouder. I'm counting on you, guys. God speed!
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