Slot machines have become mobile and sentient, proving end times are near
Gambling follows you wherever you go!
{{#rendered}} {{/rendered}}I used to laugh when people would say things like "gambling is becoming a real problem in this country."
I mean, sure, it probably isn't the best thing to get addicted to, but back in my day you used to actually have to go somewhere to lose all your money.
{{#rendered}} {{/rendered}}A gambler plays a slot machine at Harrah's casino in Atlantic City N.J., on Sept. 29, 2023. Figures released by New Jersey gambling regulators on April 8, 2024, show Atlantic City's nine casinos collectively reported a gross operating profit of $744.7 million in 2023, a decline of 1.6% from 2022. (Wayne Perry/AP)
Then sports gambling became more and more prevalent, and now you can open an app on your phone and toss a crisp Benjamin Franklin on a player to get a certain amount of rebounds.
A man poses for a photograph with the online gambling website Bet365 displayed on a smartphone, in London on December 18, 2019. (Paul Ellis/AFP)
Oh, but it gets worse!
{{#rendered}} {{/rendered}}Now, apparently, you don't even need to find a way to gambling, because gambling will find a way to you.
That's right, folks, apparently the slot machines in Las Vegas got tired of waiting around for people to play them and grew a pair of legs and a working brain.
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{{#rendered}} {{/rendered}}Oh yeah, that's horrifying.
Imagine being addicted to crack and right as you kick the habit, crack starts following you everywhere asking you to smoke it.
Gone are the days of being able to just walk by a slot machine and think to yourself, "You know what? Not today."
{{#rendered}} {{/rendered}}Now there are slot machines that behave like Jehovah's Witnesses, rolling on up to you any chance they get to ask you if you have a second to talk about our Lord and Savior, triple sevens.
This is truly a sign that the end times are near.
It won't be long until casinos partner with drone companies and people can just UberEats a video poker machine straight to their house for an hour's worth of a dopamine drip.
{{#rendered}} {{/rendered}}You think I'm crazy? I'm sure if we took a time machine to 1986 and told someone that they would be able to pull a device out of their pocket and bet on the Mets to win the World Series, they'd put you in a straight jacket.
Casino drones are inevitable, so just prepare yourselves accordingly.