Sorry, Dana, this is America’s dog.
I know, it’s in Singapore. But, if I have my way, it will patrol every park and street in our country.
Because, as I’ve said before, the only way to save the world is a robot takeover.
They’re just better at being humans -- and dogs.
This remote-controlled robot dog currently enforces social distancing at a Singapore park. It senses where a pedestrian is and then plays a recorded message reminding them to keep a safe distance.
If the person doesn’t cooperate, the dog will sink its metallic teeth into the flesh of the pedestrian and rip out a solid pound of thigh muscle, leaving the person to die -- its corpse later devoured by squirrels.
I’m not sure if that’s true. But here’s what is: the bot's camera will record how many people are in the park.
And because it’s a robot, it will never have to relieve itself, making it the perfect companion for Jesse, who would simply pick up the poop and throw it in his neighbor’s yard anyway.
So God bless our future robot overlords, and remember, my metal friends -- it was I, your friend Greg, who chose you over these stupid humans.
So kill them all… but spare me.
Adapted from Greg Gutfeld's monologue on "The Five" on May 11, 2020.