Amazon names its HQ2 winners
Online retail giant Amazon confirms it will split its second headquarters between New York City and Arlington, Virginia.
Well, it’s official. Over the past 14 months, hundreds of great North American cities competed for the honor of being named Amazon’s second headquarters. Right to the end, the 20 finalist locales in the HQ2 sweepstakes carried themselves with the breezy confidence of winners just waiting to hear.
And why should they not have? It was an honor just to be in the running. After all, “The Godfather” may have won the Best Picture Oscar for 1972, but everyone remembers the names of the other films that were up that year, right?
Alas, it’s a rough world out there. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, and America, who in 1781 beat the spread at Yorktown when it counted, loves a winner. And those winners – two of them, it turns out – are Long Island City and Crystal City, located in the greater New York and Washington metropolitan areas.
I say good for both of them. It’s about time the residents of those two hard-luck regions caught a break. But that’s not all I have to say. I’m here for the remaining eighteen cities – they who did not go home with the hardware – not to curse the darkness but light a candle. And I speak from experience.
My home city of Charlotte, North Carolina found itself up the Amazon without the proverbial paddle. Why, I didn’t even have time to buy a vintage Seattle Sounders FC scarf from a thrift shop to show my support. That’s how early we were bounced, well before the Lightning Round.
What this means, citizens of HQ2 silver-medal cities, is I have been through the popularly known five stages of grief. I’m here to help get you through the same:
Denial. The first stage hits you like a two-by-four squarely to the melon. For a while you’ll think it’s not over, that somehow you’re still in the running. Trust me, it’s over – don’t make it worse by waiting by the phone. Amazon will not call. Amazon is just not that into you.
Anger. Mercy, does this burn, for I know what you’re thinking: Just what are we supposed to do with all these ride-share bikes and scooters we pretended to like? Our fair city looks like the parking lot at some pre-teen Woodstock. But you mustn’t let the anger consume you. (See Acceptance below.)
Bargaining. The temptation to bargain will be strong. Amazon, if only you will reconsider, I’ll stop messing with your algorithm by streaming “Red Dawn” and “Harold and Maude” back-to-back. Feel free to bargain this way if you like – it’s fun to rage against the machine – just know you won’t change the outcome.
Depression. Here it’s all about keeping things in perspective. One the one hand, yes, it’s a shame to miss out on the jobs and infrastructure investment. On the other hand, on sunny Saturdays not every inch of green space will be tied up with impromptu Quidditch matches.
Acceptance. This is the most important lesson, for you to learn from experience and move forward, just as we in the Queen City did. The takeaway is we mustn’t so readily give our civic hearts away. No, we must hold fast to our principles, even when…what’s that, Apple is calling? I’m sorry, I need to take this call.
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