There are bad houseguests, and then there are really bad houseguests.
A woman in the U.K. who recently hosted her husband’s brother has taken her frustrations with her houseguest online, detailing two dozen of the complaints he allegedly made while staying in her home.
The anonymous woman, who posted her list to the parenting forum Mumsnet under the handle “BanKittenHeels,” claims her brother-in-law “moaned about” everything from the number of rugs in her house (there were too many) to her family’s clothing choices (shorts are unacceptable for children, apparently).
His comments weren’t limited to the family’s decorative or style choices, either. During his three-day stay, the woman’s brother-in-law allegedly criticized the family’s Amazon Prime Video account because it didn’t have the newly released film he wanted to see (“Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”), he took issue with the local takeout Thai restaurant for sending along “too many” complimentary crackers with their order, and he wasn’t thrilled with the color of the woman’s blue deodorant.
The full list of his alleged complaints, as written by BanKittenHeels, is as follows:
- Amazon Prime Video doesn’t have the new Quentin Tarantino film that has just come out at the cinema. Ergo Amazon Prime is a waste of money.
- The shower screen in the guest bathroom has a stationary rather than hinged shower screen.
- That someone used the loo in the middle of the night and he could hear them flush - his bedroom door was 3/4 open.
- We have stair gates, so our children don’t break their necks. “Really inconvenient”
- The Thai restaurant sent us too many prawn crackers. They sent an appropriate amount for the number of people, actually.
- My deodorant is blue. And what?
- We don’t have an endless supply of spare clothes in his size and to his taste.
- His hair was still in the shower in his en suite when he went back to use it the next day.
- The towels I put out for him are white.
- Our front gate is too squeaky.
- The planes overhead are too low.
- We have too many rugs.
- He can hear traffic when in the garden.
- Our dogs won’t cuddle him.
- Our children wear shorts.
- The settings of the seats in the car we lent him weren’t to his liking.
- He doesn’t like the preset radio stations on our car radio.
- My [Darling Husband] (his brother) “doesn’t wear a hat”??????
- We don’t have his very specific music taste available to him on vinyl, although we did think to search out appropriate Spotify playlists for him but “that’s not quite the same authenticity.”
- The local swimming pool (in a large city) keeps “provincial, British hours."
- Microwave steamers are “excessive gadgets." Then 30 minutes later, “I suppose you could steam veg in your steamer, have you thought of that?” No s---!
- None of the 3 duvets we offered him were suitable.
- I use my inhaler too frequently.
- Why do I have rosehip oil in the bathroom, it’s of no use to anyone.
Commenters were largely in awe of the man’s ability to find things to complain about, with some calling him “f---ing bonkers” and completely without any “self-awareness.”
Others began suggesting ways to get rid of him, which ranged from banishing him to a hotel to straight-up murder. But even then, one commenter could foresee it backfiring.
“If you did bash his head and bury him under the patio, @BanKittenHeels, the spade would be the wrong sort for relative-bashing, the hole would be the wrong shape, the sheet you wrapped him in would be too low thread count, and the patio surface would be the wrong sort of stone/brick.”
BanKittenHeels later confirmed that her husband did speak with his brother about his constant complaining, although that did little to deter him from subsequently complaining that the family didn’t keep chickens, or that the streets were wet when he was finally leaving.
Unfortunately, BanKittenHeels claimed her brother-in-law was due back for a second visit at the end of that week (the brothers are currently dealing with a “family crisis”), although she has a plan for when he comes back, courtesy of one of the commenters.
“Please write these out as a list, and next time he moans, don't let anyone say anything (hush them) until you've written it on the list,” suggested one Mumsnet user. “Make it as obvious as possible while you're doing it, repeat his complaint slowly out loud as you write it. Do it every time and leave the list on the table.”
BanKittenHeels and her husband, who doubled over with laughter when he read this idea, say they’re willing to give it a try.
“I actually feel like I could do this and pull it off,” she wrote.