Nothing stays the same

Nothing stays the same.  We know that's true with life, we know it's true with cancer, and I became painfully aware of that on Saturday when I wanted to un-invite my friends to my Sunday hair cutting party.  It seemed like a great idea at the time to bring my friends together for the ceremony of cutting all my hair off and trying on wigs.

I thought it would make me feel better and distract me from the truth.  What was I thinking? Saturday, I had an emotional flip-flop and really did not want anyone around when I had my hair cut off.  I just wanted to be alone.

So, I have learned two new things about Noreen:  While on this Abraxane treatment I should only make plans day-to-day—nothing in advance because I do not know if I will be too tired physically or emotionally. The other thing I learned, regarding the loss of my hair, is that for me, it wasn't about vanity.   It was more about my fear of looking like a cancer victim: no hair, eyelashes, eyebrows.  And yes, today, I look like that person, and I am avoiding the mirror like the plague.

I now have to turn that around.  I need to put on some nice clothes, blush, lipstick and the wig, and get on the upside of this new look.  I cut myself short by not having all my accoutrements  in order.  I need a wig cap which goes under the wig so that it won’t itch. I also need some cotton scarves.  The silk ones slide around and get cockeyed. I need to go buy some fun hoop earrings.

I am just so tired from this chemo.  I have confidence that I will figure this out and get on top of it.  One day at a time.

Noreen Fraser is living with Stage IV metastatic breast cancer. She is co-founder of STAND UP TO CANCER and co-produced the TV show, which raised 100 million dollars for cancer research. Noreen went on to create the Noreen Fraser Foundation to raise money and awareness for women's cancer research. The 'Men for Women Now' program enlists men to ask the women they love to make appointments for their mammogram and pap smear. Noreen can be reached