Nothing stays the same

Nothing stays the same.  We know that's true with life, we know it's true with cancer, and I became painfully aware of that on Saturday when I wanted to un-invite my friends to my Sunday hair cutting party.  It seemed like a great idea at the time to bring my friends together for the ceremony of cutting all my hair off and trying on wigs.

I thought it would make me feel better and distract me from the truth.  What was I thinking? Saturday, I had an emotional flip-flop and really did not want anyone around when I had my hair cut off.  I just wanted to be alone.

So, I have learned two new things about Noreen:  While on this Abraxane treatment I should only make plans day-to-day—nothing in advance because I do not know if I will be too tired physically or emotionally. The other thing I learned, regarding the loss of my hair, is that for me, it wasn't about vanity.   It was more about my fear of looking like a cancer victim: no hair, eyelashes, eyebrows.  And yes, today, I look like that person, and I am avoiding the mirror like the plague.

I now have to turn that around.  I need to put on some nice clothes, blush, lipstick and the wig, and get on the upside of this new look.  I cut myself short by not having all my accoutrements  in order.  I need a wig cap which goes under the wig so that it won’t itch. I also need some cotton scarves.  The silk ones slide around and get cockeyed. I need to go buy some fun hoop earrings.

I am just so tired from this chemo.  I have confidence that I will figure this out and get on top of it.  One day at a time.

Noreen Fraser is living with Stage IV metastatic breast cancer. She is co-founder of STAND UP TO CANCER and co-produced the TV show, which raised 100 million dollars for