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Dr. Laura Berman shares secrets for anyone who wishes their partner wanted more frequent sex
Do you ever wish your partner wanted more frequent sex?
Mismatched libidos – or when one partner has a higher or lower sex drive than the other – are one of the most common reasons why people seek sex therapy. It can be very difficult to feel fulfilled and connected to your partner if she is always turning you down. Soon you might reach a point where you don’t even want to initiate sex because you feel like she is just doing you a favor, and she doesn’t even want to be intimate with you. That can be very difficult for your self-esteem and your relationship, understandably so.
Thankfully, there are many things you can do to help your partner be more in the mood for sex. Consider these tips for boosting her libido and increasing your sexual pleasure:
Take something off her plate
A survey featured in Parenting magazine found that 15 percent of women are aroused when their partners pitch in around the house. Known as “choreplay,” helping out around the house can help ensure that your partner has the time and the energy to relax and reconnect with herself.
When you step up and help around the house – such as by cleaning up after dinner or putting the kids to bed – she will have an extra hour to take a bath, read a book, and relax. This means that when you come to bed, she will have that much more energy and desire for sex. And she will be turned on by seeing how helpful and considerate you are.
Encourage her to put herself first
Mothers tend to suffer from a lack of “me” time. They put everyone else’s needs ahead of their own, and that means that they don’t take the time to practice good self-care. They don’t go the gym or hit the salon, or spend time with their girlfriends. As a result, they tend to start feeling very un-sexy; after all, it’s hard to feel in the mood when you are in sweatpants with baby spit-up stains.
Remind your partner to stop ignoring her own needs. Offer to watch the kids for the day so that she has time to hit the gym or spend time with girlfriends. Make sure she has time to unwind and care for herself, even if it means you have to skip one of your own poker games with the guys. As a result, she will look better and feel better, and that will translate into more desire and energy.
Be more romantic
If men are like ovens, women are like slow-cookers. In other words, she needs more time to get warmed up and in the mood. And, unlike men, she can’t be stimulated via sexual stimulation and visual cues alone; she might need to feel an emotional connection too –through compliments, romance, affection, foreplay and appreciation .She can’t go from 0 to 60 mph in the bedroom, especially if she has spent the whole day working and taking care of the kids.
So start your seduction early. Kiss her deeply before you leave for work, send her sexy text messages, and stay connected by touching her and complimenting her whenever you can. Keep the fires stoked, and it will be much easier to initiate sex later on.
Instead of thinking, “How can I get more sex?” start thinking, “How can I make her feel good?” What can you do today to make your partner feel more loved and more appreciated? What can you do in the bedroom to make her feel more desirable and more valued?
Be a generous and considerate partner and don’t just focus on the finish line. Instead, just be present and enjoy touching and kissing her, even if it doesn’t always lead to sex. After all, it’s about the journey, not the destination.
Help her find her hotspots
It can be hard for women to reach orgasm during intercourse; it is estimated that only 30 percent of women regularly do. Most women need some other type of stimulation and attention in order to reach climax. Attend to her needs and help focus on her hotspots, either before, after or during sex. The more pleasurable you make sex, the more she will want to have it.
Beware of physical causes
Hormones can play a big part in our sexual desire. If your partner suddenly has declining desire, look to her medicine cabinet first. Has she recently started a new medication (such as birth control pills)? These are notorious for interfering with a woman’s desire.
She might also be suffering from shifting hormones due to menopause, so a hormone panel at the doctor’s office might be in order. Once she finds out the culprit, she can better treat it and reclaim her desire.
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