'Gutfled!' on de Blasio's NYPD 'customer service' model

This is a rush transcript of "Gutfled!" on October 1, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: All right. It's Friday, everyone in our last show in Nashville. Then, I know, then it's back to New York City. I wish I could express how I feel about that.

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GUTFELD: Please don't let them take me. Can I just stay a little longer? I'll sleep on your couch. I'll just sleep on the couch. I won't take up a lot of room. I sound like Kat arguing with her husband. But tonight we're going out with a bang. Look who's here tonight. Yes. It's Miss Dana Perino. So glad really happy she made it here. Here she is arriving in Nashville.

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GUTFELD: Such a queen but with both of us here I wonder what "THE FIVE" was like today. They're already in bed.

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS POLITICAL COMMENTATOR: That's good.

GUTFELD: Yes, he does. Finally shaved. By the way, Perino is Italian for the only person smaller than Gutfeld. As you can see, Kat's here. Hooray for that. Good to see. Good to see you made it to the -- to the studio given last night's antics.

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GUTFELD: You know, she may be clumsy, but her opinions are as clear as the terror in her husband's eyes. So, before we get to the monologue, it's time for.

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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Greg's Seven Jokes.

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GUTFELD: Number one. Shocking news from the set of The View. Hosts Ana Navarro and Sunny Hostin tested positive for COVID. Even worse, The View tested positive for Joy Behar. It's incurable. They still had to rush Kamala Harris, far away from the studio. It was pretty easy. They just told her it was the southern border.

Yes. Dog the Bounty Hunter has joined the search for fugitive Brian Laundrie. Police consider his help crucial as they believe Laundrie may be hiding inside a mullet. Good news a New York Post headline reports McDonald's McRib is McBack. The bad news is so is my McDiarrhea. According to new research, scientists say three masks protect you the most. Well I can't wait to hear the results of their condom study. Same principle.

Amazon unveiled the new household robot for 999 bucks, but if I'm paying two grand for a robot made I better be able to have sex with it. They'll call it the Schwarzenegger. And number seven, U.S. Airlines are now considering weight limits for passengers. And other news Brian Stelter I hope you like trains. And that's Greg's seven jokes. All right. Back to the screaming hells cape called Manhattan.

Did you hear as kids get shot, junkies take over and the elderly get mugged by gangs of thugs? Also known as Democrats. The mayor has redefined policing as customer service.

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MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO (D-NY): Literally the question from the NYPD to the people they serve. How did we do? Fundamental customer service idea. It's never existed previously in the NYPD, but it's going to be the future of the NYPD. Even the very fact that we're talking about customer service in the context NYPD, that's revolutionary.

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GUTFELD: It is. I'm still wondering how did a festering Lincoln log become mayor? What is it with Democrat leaders once they win? Do they take a secret oath to destroy everything? You couldn't ruin a big city faster if you were Mothra. De Blasio is turned a once great city into a cesspool of chaos, which is a lot like her all those hot tub. And like -- and like Geraldo's hot tub NYC is filled with half-naked crazy people and it's prone to flooding.

So the police is now customer service. That's great. It's no longer to protect and serve, it's let me help you return that defective garden hose to Home Depot. At least after you get mugged you can stay on the line and update your car warranty. Meanwhile, the mugger has already been released and onto his next victim while you're on hold listening to Air Supply. So as crime explodes the mayor wants community guides.

Community guides to greet visitors at City police stations. This is because you heard that the police were gruff and dismisses -- dismissive. Well, Mayor so are the muggers and the rapists. Well, you just described everybody who lives in New York, the only New Yorkers who aren't gruff are dead. Thank you, Andrew Cuomo. Gruffness. That's the problem here. Not murder or assault. So now we turn cops into Wal-Mart greeters.

That's the problem with cities run by leftists. They conflate law and order with brutality. So the solution is emasculation whereas we're not even calling crime crime anymore. See, this is in crime. It's reallocations of goods.

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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, look at his. Oh. Hey, look at this. Insane. Insane, yo. Yo, this is the middle of the holster right now.

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GUTFELD: He has a future as a crime reporter. But, you know, the good news is if you play that video in reverse, it actually looks like these guys work there and are stocking the shelves.

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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, look at this. Oh. Hey, look this. Insane. Insane, yo. Yo, This is the middle of the holster right now.

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GUTFELD: Problem solved. And if we only had the police there to greet them and help them load this stuff into the stolen truck. Yo, starts mind grabbing the end of this flat screen. Meanwhile, as we excuse the criminals who are the real threats, parents, the National School Boards Association, which represents over 90,000 school officials beg Joe Biden on Wednesday to protect them from angry mobs of parents upset over vaccine and mask mandates that are forced upon their kids.

Saying the parents should be treated as domestic terrorism by extremist hate organizations. You have to these buffoons, a 28-year-old single mom looking out for a kids is the same as a one-eyed monster with a hook for a hand. So they implored Biden to mobilize the FBI and Secret Service to guard school officials. The sad part is, so probably listen. The Teachers Unions realize that the worst thing about COVID is parents realizing how bad the Teachers Unions are.

And now that parents are taking a more active role in protecting their kids from these idiots. They're now considered a threat. But these days anyone who disagrees with these Craven self- righteous sanctimonious a-holes can be considered a threat. Remember the soldier who spoke up about the Afghanistan debacle? He's still in the brig. And how about that U.S. Marine who rescued a baby in Kabul during that bus withdrawal?

He's allegedly under investigation after he was invited up onto a stage by Donald Trump last week.

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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I am the guy that pulled the baby over the wall and it's definitely probably one of the greatest things I've ever done in my entire life.

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GUTFELD: Well, not so fast, buster. Hopping up on that stage might have violated policy, even though he was invited on the stage by a former president. Still they treat him like he's John Hinckley. It's like the Biden administration is attempting the biggest purge since Tyrus went on that juice cleanse. So, you see what's happening here? We are criminalizing citizens and decriminalizing crime. It makes no sense. But maybe it's the only way Democrats can lower crime statistics, the jerks.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. She's the nicest host at Fox News, and if you disagree, she'll stab you in the face. America's newsroom co- anchor and "THE FIVE" host, Dana Perino. And there's nothing wrong with your screen, that's just how he looks. Writer and comedian, Joe DeVito. She's like an armadillo, tough exterior but prone to curling up in a ball. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf.

And finally, his watchband is your waistband. My massive sidekick and the NWA World Television Champion, Tyrus.

Dana, welcome to Nashville. I know that you've never really been down south before. This quite an exciting experience. You've been arrested numerous times for horrific crimes. This must be a relief that the cops will be greeting more and cuffing less.

PERINO: That'd be great. You know, I was thinking when they said that they were gruff and dismissive.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: I've lived in New York 10 years. I've even become gruff and dismissive over that time. No, not really. I'm not. I was thinking though this might be good news for those business owners that have homeless people sitting outside their shops for years on end. There's this one girl, she has been sitting outside the juice generation for like, I don't know, eight years.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: And she's pregnant.

GUTFELD: Wow.

PERINO: For eight years.

GUTFELD: She's begging for two.

PERINO: Yes. Yes. So I think that if you have customer service now that maybe -- that made me know the business owners can be helped along.

GUTFELD: Oh my god, so maybe you're saying that this could be a good idea on that and I -- and then I might be wrong.

TIMPF: Oh, I didn't see it like that.

GUTFELD: Why? How did you see it?

TIMPF: I thought like they were implying that there's people that would talk to the cops but worried that they're rude. Like this -- I would snitch on my mob boss, but I heard the cops don't say please and thank you.

GUTFELD: Yes. And also again, it's like that that liberal thing where they sniff around the edges of a huge problem. And then they say problem is solved by solving something that didn't need solving. I don't want a non- gruff cop, Kat.

TIMPF: No, I think you're supposed to be gruff when you fight crime.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: It always be weird and passive aggressive if you weren't.

GUTFELD: Yes. Wasn't the crime fighting dog McGruff?

JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Yes.

TIMPF: He didn't smile.

GUTFELD: No, he didn't smile at all. Why would you when you know you're going to be dead in 14 years?

PERINO: Oh.

GUTFELD: Probably not a good joke. Joe. Joe DeVito.

DEVITO: Thank you. Dead dog to me.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, yes. Well, it reminds me of your beard.

DEVITO: I wish you could show that clip of de Blasio backwards so the (BLEEP) go into his mouth. It's so -- the idea that the police are supposed to do customer service. How exactly does that work with your fifth assault conviction, you get a free ice cream sundae.

GUTFELD: Yes.

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DEVITO: It's amazing what he's done to New York City. It's like in the movies where you see the character throw the match over his shoulder, and everything explodes behind him. That's Bill de Blasio every day when he leaves the house.

GUTFELD: Yes.

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DEVITO: -- New York City and some new and exciting way.

GUTFELD: That's like me when I -- when I leave a restroom.

PERINO: They (INAUDIBLE) a match.

GUTFELD: Yes. I risk the world when I light a match. I probably shouldn't have said that out loud. Probably should have thought about it and then gone to Tyrus and said, hi, Tyrus.

TYRUS, FOX NATION HOST: Hi, Greg.

GUTFELD: Love the hats.

TYRUS: Funny joke, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes. You got the boots and a hat?

TYRUS: Excuse me while I whip this out. Always wanted to say that. You know, I'm kind of mad about this. Because in my youth, when I was a knucklehead, it will be nice to like freeze, get on the ground. I'd like to speak to a manager for that. And the cop, sorry, sir. We'll be right back. You know, more time to get away. We've just lost our mind.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Customer service. Protecting you from criminals is customer service.

PERINO: Yes.

TYRUS: Kicking in the door and saving you is customer service.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: If anyone needs customer service, it's our men and women in blue that need customer service than politicians. And I would just like to say to the family of snakes that gave all they could. Thank you.

GUTFELD: That's snake skin?

TYRUS: It was.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: It's my skin now.

GUTFELD: One last one because we didn't really talk about how the Teachers Group are calling parents potential terrorists. We are now -- we are now entered the stage where we're weaponizing the potential threat. Have you noticed this? Now everybody, anybody can be a potential threat. I'm a potential threat for even pointing this out. It's now like -- ever since they did this whole like there's this invisible terrorist threat domestic threat. Now anybody can finger -- it can be fingered. And not in a good way.

PERINO: Oh god.

TYRUS: Well, no --

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TIMPF: (INAUDIBLE) on, Greg.

TYRUS: Look, as a -- as a parent, this is a double-edged sword. They cry when we don't get involved in our kids' school then when we get involved, how dare you question when I'm going on? You're a terrorist if you call me out.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You're a terrorist if you don't agree with me. You're a terrorist if you hold me accountable. Well, just -- I'll change this, what's the new hat terrorists were these days? Give me one.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: They want to Patriot Act.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: To go after United States citizens. I mean, how do you think this ends?

GUTFELD: That doesn't end well.

PERINO: Right.

GUTFELD: But the segment ended well because up next we got a great segment. A Gold Star family mourns while the reporter scorns.

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GUTFELD: She showed no remorse for riding her high horse. Yes. A nosy journalist drops a dime on a family that's committed no crime. It can only mean one thing.

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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Nation of Narcs.

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GUTFELD: Tonight's episode, Heather Caygle supposedly covers Congress for Politico, but moonlights as the mask police. Yesterday she tweeted this photo with the caption, mask requirement in the house, tours not allowed yet here we are group of nine only two masks. Oh sweet, naive dumb Heather. Anthony Weiner sent less ill- advised tweets. If only you had known that this is a Gold Star family grieving the loss of their loved one, Marine Sergeant Nicole Gee, one of the 13 American heroes killed in the Kabul terrorist bombing in August.

You remember the operation that Biden called the success? So instead of asking a few questions, Heather decided to squeal like Miss Piggy with an apple in her mouth. Once another Twitter user pointed out the people in the photo were -- who they were, she actually doubled down replying, how does that exempt them from wearing a mask? In theory, it doesn't. But in reality, you're (BLEEP)

Sometimes there's just no word that fits except for that word. Why -- Joe, why can't people just mind their own damn business? What is the inclination to go on a public? Well, it's a story of Twitter, but to go on and do that.

DEVITO: Yes, you know, it's funny. I remember when journalists used to be people, they walked around with pads and pens. And when they had questions, they asked people. They wrote things down. They weren't people who look for oh, what's something I already agree with? And who can I get into trouble?

GUTFELD: Right.

DEVITO: And for her to do that, it's just --- it's so stupid that she didn't ask what's going on here because this is like someone who's like, oh, it's the middle of the day. Why do all these cars have their lights on? Well, it's a funeral procession. So a little respect. And, you know, and she's a journalist. Well, I got a -- I got a hot tip for her. If you want to narc on people who aren't wearing masks there was a secret meeting called the Emmys.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: And there a lot of people and I heard about this very private party in Martha's Vineyard. A very few people were wearing masks except for the servants they treated like appliances. So maybe that's the story she can go cover. She wants to count people's masks.

GUTFELD: Yes. I wonder if she counted them during Obama's birthday.

DEVITO: Yes.

GUTFELD: You know, she probably wasn't tweeting then. Kat, why didn't you just take the L? That's what the kids say. should have taken the L.

TIMPF: You're very hip. She didn't because I'm not sure she gets it. If you do that and you make that mistake and you are a normal well-adjusted decent human being, you have to be horrified. You have to feel so bad but she says I still don't get how that exempts them from wearing masks. If that's your reaction there's nothing I can do to explain it to you because there's just something so fundamentally wrong with your brain.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. You know, Tyrus, I've been guilty of something similar to this. You know, like when you're in a car and the cab is in front of you and it's not moving and you start honking and then it turns out there's a little old lady getting out of the back. You feel she's got a little walker, so you keep honking even more?

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Get out of the way old lady.

TYRUS: No. It usually happens to me when I come up with a stop sign someone locks it.

GUTFELD: Well, you shouldn't be in a car tires.

TYRUS: No, the taxis never stopped. I can't figure it out. I guess they don't hear me or see me. I literally like the biggest reincarnation of the American Dream, Dusty Roads ever. But, you know, whatever. You know, I'm willing to bet. I don't know this is true, but I feel it the fact that when she was doing that she wasn't wearing a mask.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: So would have been really cool would have been someone's like, aha, as you took that picture. I took a picture of you without your mask. So hypocritical. Tattletales, you know, follow was on the other night, he talked about what was missing with tattletales. Where are bullies at? What happened? Like where are the wedgie guys? Where's someone like -- we're the Mean Girls? Where are our superheroes?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You go after these people.

GUTFELD: Tattling. Tattling is the new bullying.

PERINO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Because you've assumed this kind of fake authority like you're like policing society for the betterment of society. But this is something -- I mean, how can you -- she cares more about like calling out these maskless people then what about the deaths of the soldiers? I mean, I don't -- I mean, it's like -- it's -- it. I don't know (INAUDIBLE)

PERINO: If you're a Gold Star family as far as I'm concerned, you can do whatever the hell you want for the rest of your life. This reporter needs to take a page out of my book. Remember I have a future book.

GUTFELD:

PERINO: Tweets I never sent. Because it will never be published. I have a feeling that she knew in her gut that she should apologize. But she's under the impression that you don't do that anymore.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: And so she made it even worse. Now that just a little callback to remember there was a press secretary for a Republican House office who tweeted that one of the Obama girl should have worn a more appropriate outfit in the Rose Garden. She got fired.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: Because the condemnation of her was so strong. Where was the rest - - where was the -- where was the condemnation of this?

GUTFELD: No, you're absolutely right. Double standard. I just invented that term.

PERINO: Good one.

GUTFELD: I come up with them all the time, Dana, you only listen to me.

TYRUS: Hey, Dana. Can I write a book after yours called (INAUDIBLE) I got your ass kicked?

PERINO: You know, we'll have a series.

GUTFELD: There you go. All right, up next, a hoax meant to so division ends in an absurd decision.

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GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Yes, all right. The crimes were fake, but the school's reaction takes the cake. Yes, another crime hoax brings out these stupid folks.

A black student has admitted to writing racist graffiti in several bathrooms at Parkway Central High School in Missouri, which led to more than a thousand students walking out in protest. Now, the kid who wrote, "Hope all black people die," among other racist crap, faces severe disciplinary action, an internship with Joy Reid.

Look, teens do dumb stuff all the time, like trying to escape from my basement. But as usual, it's the adults involved who come off looking just as idiotic. That's because the school district superintendent wrote to parents that even though it was all a hoax, "This does not diminish the hurt he caused or the negative impact it has had on our entire community. More work is needed to ensure our school is safe for each student regardless of their race." So, with that logic, there's also work to be done to keep their schools safe from Hobbits and Bigfoot.

Actually, it sounds like more work is needed to recognize a hoax when we see one because they happen all the time. And the hurt still exists for the suspicion falsely directed at white students. So, it seems these hoaxes are getting out of hand because the supply of real racism won't meet the demand. I wonder if the angry black male has some thoughts.

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TYRUS, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: What Gutfeld? Never seen a brother working in a Honky Tonk before? There's been a lot of lies told in this country lately. This isn't one of them. You see, I'm not an angry black man, but he is.

JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: I am livid, Sir. Who is the toughest man in Nashville? I want to know.

TYRUS: Hey, you're here. Y'all better get out here. He finished that. He's going to want to fight somebody?

MACHI: Oh, God, I can't chug another one of this.

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GUTFELD: Tyrus, do you have anything to add after what we just saw?

TYRUS: Joe Machi, ladies and gentlemen. Joe Machi. These are (INAUDIBLE). No, you know what, Greg, the problem with that is even the response is the problem.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, because we don't put accountability more. We do have issues with kids seeking attention. But now they know if they make it a social issue. He's going to be Prince for the day. And then when he gets caught, they're going to say, well, it's still a problem.

GUTFELD: It's a learning experience.

TYRUS: Instead of making him apologize back in my day, is the last I've been walked out in the school yard and apologized the entire school for what he did and his mom probably the gave him whooping, and then his neighbor would have given him whooping back when does -- oh, it didn't happen? And he wouldn't, he wouldn't have done it again. But the problem is, there is no accountability. So, we're continuous things like that because it's easy.

GUTFELD: Yes, that's the, that's the problem, Dana, it's like, if the hoax in the real thing, there's no difference, then that means that you can still continue to this, you will never get any accountability. And it will, it will just continue on, and on, and on, because the press only reports the first part, right? They never report the second part.

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: So, if you make victimhood a virtue, then young people seeking popularity will try to become victims. And they have to sometimes make it up. I think the fact that the Jussie Smollett is a really good example. There was a ton of coverage initially, right? How many days we cover that in a row?

GUTFELD: Right?

PERINO: But then when it turned out to all be fake -- we haven't heard much about that.

GUTFELD: Do you -- I remember, this is so funny. On "THE FIVE" in the green room, we were -- like the day that the Smollett thing happened, we all knew it was fake, but we couldn't say anything because we were so terrified.

PERINO: For like three days.

GUTFELD: Yes, for three -- we had to just buy and they were going, we know it's fake, we know it's -- and even, I knew it was fake. I could start seeing the liberals actually going yes, it's fake. It's fake. And when the liberals were admitting. Kat, have you ever been part of a hoax?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: No.

GUTFELD: no?

TIMPF: No. I mean wearing a padded bra, but other than that. Any more any more questions?

GUTFELD: By the way. OK.

TYRUS: Enough said.

GUTFELD: When you when you hear a story like this, though, it's always a safe bet that it's false, especially who does graffiti in the bathroom anymore when you have Twitter?

TIMPF: I think that there are real problems in the world that you could devote your time to trying to solve. rather than creating new ones for attention that means you have you know, that's a serious problem and you've got a mental issue that you should probably get some help with.

GUTFELD: But that's what but that's the excuse that they use, right? They go -- this person is like, so they give them therapy.

TIMPF: He's also an (BLEEP), yes.

GUTFELD: But you know maybe being a (BLEEP) is a medical problem. It is for me.

TYRUS: It is now, Gutfeld. Way to go.

GUTFELD: Joe, what do you make of this?

JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Well, I want to make one thing clear that a padded bra is not just a hoax, that's a hate crime. This, this is what bothers me about these, these hoaxes are that when they're announced, it creates this bad negative energy. It's like a like a burning smell. But then when we realize the hoax was nonsense to begin with, that bad energy sticks around right? People still emotionally are hurt by this. And we can't allow this stuff.

I mean, and what fascinates me is when you look at Jussie Smollett, the idea of what they think his idea of who the enemy is, it's these cartoonish had twirling their mustache type, right? That we were supposed to believe in that case that there were MAGA country, Trump supporters just having to carry bleach in Chicago when it's 40 below zero.

GUTFELD: At 2:00 am.

TIMPF: And he wants a Subway.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: It was still an accurate movement to think like and they recognized him from that stupid show. So, when we have things like this it's, it's really bad and there needs to be severe public punishment for the people who create a public crisis like this.

GUTFELD: If you, if you create, you create a hate crime hoax that should be treated as a hate crime as a hate crime. Same like the same penalties and that should solve the -- I like solving problems.

TYRUS: You know, speaking of problems though, but as a black man, we were laughing at -- we knew it was fake from jump.

I've never seen a racist fighting a snowstorm. Never. I'm telling you right now: Me and the Klan and it's snowing, I'll see you in the summer.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: But right now, let's cuddle. It's cold.

GUTFELD: It's like the Taliban. You have a fighting season. Coming up, she's an iconic personality. Stick around for Kathie Lee, not the best one.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: When throwing down your booze is as easy as 1, 2, 3 when you want to get so plastered, you can barely see. When you dump a pint of vodka in your afternoon tea. It means it's time for "DRINKING WITH KATHIE LEE."

KATHIE LEE GIFFORD, AUTHOR: I expected --

GUTFELD: I got you a gift.

GIFFORD: I expected more from you than that.

GUTFELD: How can you expect -- don't ever expect a lot from me? I deliver the bare minimum.

GIFFORD: I didn't say a lot. I expected more.

GUTFELD: Yes.

GIFFORD: What the heck did you give me?

GUTFELD: That's --

GIFFORD: Oh, this is John Rich's stuff.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

GIFFORD: Oh, he's a sweetheart but I don't drink whiskey.

GUTFELD: Now, you know what? You were drinking like you're pounding the wine. Did you see her back there?

TYRUS: I don't drink whiskey.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

GIFFORD: I don't drink whiskey. Oh my gosh.

GUTFELD: Neither do I. I use depository. You know, you moved. You moved from the East Coast down here. Are you happier down here? What is it like?

GIFFORD: You know, I didn't -- I thought I was moving sort of a temporary, not temporarily, but I thought it was going to bide my time half and half, and still keep my home in Connecticut. And I found a little piano tear here in the --

GUTFELD: What's that? Is that like an animal?

GIFFORD: It's French, it's French for something that you can afford. And so, I -- you know, I don't make the big bucks like you Mister Night Time.

GUTFELD: Oh, please.

GIFFORD: I'm so excited for you, Greg, we've been friends a long, long time. In fact, I'm kind of glad I moved away because usually he'd come to my house, sit in my garden in Connecticut. Watch the sailboats go by and he would be invited for lunch and I couldn't get rid of him until way after dinner, in his beautiful Russian (INAUDIBLE) wife would go: "Greg, Greg, you must go home. Get in the car. Get in the car, Greg."

GUTFELD: Thank God, she's not watching right now. That's an amazing --

GIFFORD: You're safe, she's in Moscow.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. Should we do one story?

GIFFORD: If it -- did --

GUTFELD: All right, first up, a man was in tardy to his own search party. A Turkish man --

GIFFORD: Aren't they all?

GUTFELD: Aren't they all -- reportedly got so drunk he didn't realize he had joined in emergency crew who were looking for him. Apparently, a drunkenly stumbled into the woods only to end up trying to find himself. Sadly, they didn't let him claim the reward money.

GIFFORD: That's just wrong.

GUTFELD: And here's more, more news about booze. This is interesting. Mick Jagger this week rapid quick beer at the thirsty beaver.

GIFFORD: Oh no. Oh no.

GUTFELD: Who hasn't had one of those? So, a lot of people have beavers as pets.

TYRUS: Nope, as well as the animal. So, he posted this photo on Instagram, KLG, it's the first time someone's actually use the filter to make their lips look smaller. The bar's owner says no one recognized the 140-year-old rocker proving that even world famous rock stars can enjoy a beer in peace.

GIFFORD: Oh, I'm happy for --

GUTFELD: Yet, meanwhile, at another local bar, Keith Richards enjoyed a tall cool glass of embalming fluid. So, here's my here's my question to you, KLG.

GIFFORD: OK.

GUTFELD: Isn't this proof that when men get really old, it doesn't matter how rich you are, no one can see you. We are a nation that adores in -- adulates youth, and frankly it makes me sick.

GIFFORD: Everything makes you sick.

GUTFELD: It's true. I had the worst -- right away.

GIFFORD: The truth is, say the first part of that about that they don't see them

GUTFELD: They don't see you. You become invisible after a certain age.

GIFFORD: Well, no, but no, no -- when I first came to New York 40 years ago, for Mike, I've almost every man that I met or dated and there weren't that many but every single one of us and you're the first woman I've had met here in town that isn't after my money. So, they don't -- they may not see the man but they see the money.

I'm not every woman, there are great women everywhere but, but certain places, it's a, it's a button, it's a button. It's a tender spot, so to speak. And, and that's what they're after. And you know, you're either interested in that, that's what you come for. You come to -- for like Mary Tyler Moore for your dreams to come true.

GUTFELD: And then you throw your hat in the air.

TYRUS: Hold on, Greg. Hold on. Mick Jagger wasn't meeting -- he was just waiting on a friend.

GUTFELD: Oh.

TYRUS: Boom! Nashville, Nashville!

GUTFELD: You know.

GIFFORD: You know what I mean, I mean that it's true, we all get more invisible the older we get.

GUTFELD: Yes, I like it. I can go anywhere I want.

GIFFORD: You know what I miss? I miss it very much.

GUTFELD: You miss New York?

GIFFORD: No. I miss some of the people in New York very much. I miss Hoda. I missed a lot of my crew from the from "The Today's Show." Obviously, Miss Regis and he's, he's with Jesus --

GUTFELD: There's a great rhyme.

GIFFORD: Having a -- Regis and Jesus. Having a good laugh.

GUTFELD: (INAUDIBLE) and Jesus.

GIFFORD: But did you know what I miss?

GUTFELD: What?

GIFFORD: I used to walk by, you know, construction sites you know, and pretend that, that I was -- when guys would go, hey babe, all that stuff. Nothing now. I miss it. I miss it. Talk about invisible.

GUTFELD: Oh, tell me about it. A few places I have to walk by one -- back and forth just to get a, just to get a stare. All right, what am I talking about? We got to go. Kathie Lee's got a new book.

GIFFORD: I do?

GUTFELD: Yes. It's called "The Jesus I Know." You didn't know this? Jesus knew this and it comes out next month.

GIFFORD: He's down here to promote.

GUTFELD: Yes, too late. Buy the book or you going straight to hell.

GIFFORD: Oh, stop it. It's not that kind of book.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Welcome back. All right, so this is the part of the show where we had stand up comedy all week, but we ran out of comics, so I decided why not read from Steve Doocy's new book of recipes? Who doesn't love a good recipe? Am I right?

TIMPF: Greg, I can do it.

GUTFELD: Yes. So, it's cool, Kat, but we're going to devote a whole segment to Steve Doocy's new book?

TIMPF: I can do it. I brought my microphone already with me.

GUTFELD: I promised Steve Doocy I will talk about his new book of recipes.

TYRUS: Ladies and gentlemen, would you rather hear about gluten-free spaghetti or listen to the one and only Kat Timpf?

TIMPF: I've been carrying this microphone all week waiting for my shot. Thank you. See how this goes. So, no matter how bad your life is going, there's someone on the Internet who has it worse, and is being very open about that. I have a few friends on Facebook that always just blow it up my feed with most depressing stuff in the world. Like, guess it's just another night alone. Watching T.V. by myself. In case somebody wants to call me, but they won't because no one ever.

So, like, that's because you've made it very clear that you suck. No one is going to invite you to their party if they're worried you are going to sob violently at it. So, on Facebook, you pretend everything's going amazing. Make everyone think things are going better than they actually are. It is like a padded bra for your life.

The Internet can make you sad sometimes too, though, because well there's a lot of very hot people on there. I clip fake hair into my actual hair every day. Because I feel like I have to keep up with the Kardashians, right? But I'm not sure how much it really matters because in all of my experiences with men, I know men cannot tell if a woman has good hair. They don't know. I've never seen guys at a bar pointing at a girl, like did you see that girl Brian's talking to? Her hair has like no volume, bro. Should have seen the hair on the girl I was with last night, the sheen, bro, the sheen.

Women we are way too insecure for no reason. I do not mean that in the body positivity way because the body positivity they make it those people everything worse, right? Do you remember the Dove's soap normal bodies campaign, right? The women in the ads were like: we are bodies normal in our underwear by are soap. Really? OK, OK cool. Cool. How is that supposed to make anyone feel any better, right? Saying your body is normal is not a compliment. The John Mayer song was like, Your body is normal. Normal body no." Don't think it would have been as big of a hit, right?

My husband told me I looked normal once. I cried so hard, my fake eyelashes fell off. You might have heard about that because I did post about on Facebook. Nobody invited me to their parties that week. Great. Thank you, guys. Bye.

GUTFELD: Kat Timpf, everyone. We'll be right back. Great job.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: All right, we are out of time. Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. Thanks to Kathie Lee Gifford, Dana Perino, Joe DeVito, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience. Nashville, you've been awesome. We love you. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with evil Shannon Bream is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you America and Nashville.

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