The Most Influential Political Pundits Have Something in Common
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In a profoundly immoral effort to boost its Internet traffic, Telegraph.co.uk unveiled its list of the 50 most influential political pundits in America. Of the 20 names listed so far, I am not one of them.
However, David Gergen is. If you don't know who David Gergen is, imagine a sock dipped in flesh, gargling on a gerbil.
Also on the list: Howard Kurtz, a walking hairpiece.
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And Mark Shields, who was a mime back in the '70s with Lorene Yarnell.
Paul Begala is also there, a giant thumb with sad eyes.
And what’s a list without James Carville, a skull on a lollipop, possessing a vocal delivery that suggests something smaller and far more alien lives inside his mouth.
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I’m sorry, but this is pure discrimination. If you look at the men, you'll find that they all have something in common: they're ugly.
Is it my fault, as a pundit, that I am handsome, possessing a healthy head of hair and can bench press at least two houseboys, depending on the amount of amyl nitrate I have burning through my nostrils?
We live in an age where we can't accept our pundits unless they look like pundits. This "pundism" has created a glass ceiling for handsome gents like me whose only strategy now is to go bald and wear ankle garters.
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But is this right? Truthfully, I'd rather be the Nelson Mandela of punditry and stand up for what I believe in, than succumb to this disease of homeliness that inflicts these so called influencers.
Call me a rebel, call me Rosa Parks, but don’t you ever call me Paul Krugman.
And if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than Jeffrey Toobin.
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Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com