Gutfeld: The problem with 'Batman' isn't Batman

Published Friday, August 23, 2013 / The Five

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," August 23, 2013. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Ben Affleck is playing Batman. He's the guy on the left.

Batman, as you know, a rich man who fights evil, sounds kind of Republican to me. I mean, imagine if Batman were the man our media wanted him to be -- he'd be a grad student, a leader of drum circles who pickets fracking sites while vandalizing Monsanto labs. His Robin would be his tapeworm, his daddy's trust fund acting as Bat-mobile.

Or perhaps he'd be sexually confused whistleblower leaking key info to our enemies. The evil he fights would be the U.S. because it always is, for those who mock the war on terror. Instead, we get a rich white guy, Mr. Affleck, playing a rich white guy who stops bad guys, because it sells. Hollywood may deny the existence of real evil in the world other than other rich white guys.

But it knows that on-screen morality makes financial sense, even if they laugh at it privately. No one wants a superhero who frets over gray areas. We want exceptional men who kill. But the problem with Batman isn't Batman at all. Each film depends on a new evil, a villain beyond shocking who justifies our repulsion.

The problem is, reality is evil now outstrips movie evil. When boys kill an Australian ballplayer for fun, when boys kills a war hero for fun, when scum rape and mutilate a young couple, for when a young girl is shot dead for fun, when a young man is rewarded a Rolling Stone cover for blowing up children, you get pretty jaded. I mean, who does Batman fight now when what we are fighting right now seems so much worse?

All right, let's go around the horn, good choice with Mr. Affleck?

KATIE PAVLICH, GUEST CO-HOST: I think it's fine. I liked him in "Argo," thought it was an awesome movie. So, I don't have a problem.

(CROSSTALK)

PAVLICH: (INAUDIBLE), but I don't have a problem. I don't know why.

GUTFELD: Do you think "Argo" was a little dishonest?

PAVLICH: A little, but if we're going on acting here. So, if we're going based on skill sets and getting someone for the movie, I think Ben Affleck is fine.

GUTFELD: All acting is dishonest.

PAVLICH: True.

GUTFELD: Bob, your brother is a fantastic actor. He should be Batman. Who would you like?

BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: You know, I have never seen a "Batman" movie. I have no idea what this guy everybody was so excited about this for. I know, you said, Bob, you need to get up on pop culture, which is so like saying, Bob, you need to get a PhD that's real. I have seven of them, for honorary.

I don't know. You made a good point. Adam West is the guy, remember from TV, if he is still alive, bring him out. I could give a damn, to be honest with you. I mean, who cares?

GUTFELD: Oh, my goodness. The original "Batman" TV show was fantastic, Adam West, hilarious. Great villains, Vincent Fries, Otto Preminger --

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Boom, pow.

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: It was funny, too.

(CROSSTALK)

BECKEL: How did it go again? Show us again.

PERINO: Boom, pow! Taking the shot.

GUTFELD: They're not take the shot of her beating me.

Eric --

BOLLING: Yes, can I make a couple of comments, Adam West, by far the best I just liked the fun of the Batman TV show. My choice for the next Batman, Willie Robinson --

PERINO: Yes.

BOLLING: Taking the bottom, it would be awesome. No one knows who he was.

GUTFELD: Interesting, how about you, Dana? I know you have a huge crush, maybe on this person -- yes, her. You people.

Anyway, what is your choice?

PERINO: Well, when we were talking about this, I was really into it. I said Timothy Oliphant from "Justified" would be a great Batman. He is a great bad guy, but a great good guy, he is "Justified."

GUTFELD: Yes, he was the villain in "Die Hard" as well. They shave his head I believe. He's a great actor. He's our new Clint Eastwood.

PERINO: He was also the (INAUDIBLE).

GUTFELD: Yes, very good --

PERINO: But he was a good, bad, good guy in "Justified."

GUTFELD: Yes. All right. We get the point. You're in love with him.

BOLLING: I'm not supposed to say this, Greg.

GUTFELD: What?

BOLLING: The only Batman with the anatomically correct breast --

PERINO: What?

GUTFELD: Who?

BOLLING: You know?

PAVLICH: I don't know.

BOLLING: George Clooney?

BECKEL: What do you mean anatomically correct breast?

PERINO: Like it's not a suit? Works out a lot.

GUTFELD: Oh, OK.

BECKEL: Drop that and walk away.

GUTFELD: Here is who I thought should have been Batman, there you go! No, that is not it. God, you people are high.

You know what? We're just going to get that because you have already struck out. All right? You guys.

BECKEL: Let me guess --

GUTFELD: Now they do it.

BOLLING: That is Oliphant.

BECKEL: It's Greg.

GUTFELD: No, it's me. Some guy did this on the web yesterday. It's not funny anymore. When you screw up, it's not funny.

BOLLING: They don't have George Clooney one?

GUTFELD: No, they don't. They checked out. It is Friday afternoon.

PERINO: Here's the thing, Greg. You should know this very well, they are short staffed.

GUTFELD: Ah, is that a joke?

PERINO: It was.

GUTFELD: All right, good for her.

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