Gutfeld: I hate New Year's resolutions

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," December 31, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: That song doesn't work anymore.

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: Yes, it does.

GUTFELD: It's like 13, 14 years old.

All right. I hate New Year's Eve resolutions because I know that they don't exist. In fact, if every predictable reporter or news reader never brought them up again you'd never hear of them. It's true. The average person doesn't consider them until some chucklehead with a cheery smile plastered across his back brings it up.

"So, Doris, I'm with WKB, what are you giving up this year?"

If only Doris would respond with "lame reporting" followed by a kick to the shin or groin. But I can dream.

Why does the media do this every year? Because they're too fearful of to do anything different.

Resolutions are just a symptom. Think of the trite garbage that passes for thoughtful commentary in the media, exaggerated piffle on the environment, shallow attempts at psychoanalysis when discussing root causes of violence, community harassment disguised as consumer reporting, traffic and weather breathlessly documented, as if the reported had never seen a snowflake before. It's Groundhog Day everyday.

What's worse is their fatuous infatuation with symbolic over the real, which is what a resolution is, which is why I never ever asked anyone what their resolution is. You could say that that's my resolution but then you have license to punch me in the face.

GUILFOYLE: Oh my goodness. I mean, that is real evidence --

ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: Can I punch you in the face because you banned resolution three days ago?

GUTFELD: I did it. I did that on purpose. I banned resolutions so we wouldn't do a segment on it. So, what do they do? They gave me the segment!

GUILFOYLE: I think that's fun and you deserve it. Well done.

GUTFELD: Don't you agree with me. Juan, it's media-generated junk. Like no one ever talks. You don't sit around with your friends going, hey, are you going to give up something?

JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: Never.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: You know what I really like was you were talking about the news, I don't get it. Like the highest rated part of the told I'm told is the weather. I don't care. I'm not farmer. I don't care.

GUTFELD: It's good for travelling.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: I love weather.

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: What do you have against resolutions? It's fun to just -- I'm going to be better at this next year.

GUTFELD: I don't do them.

TANTAROS: Don't you think people are making personal steps to improve themselves? That's a good thing even they give it up. Like for example my resolution 10 years ago was to stop biting my nails.

GUTFELD: Did it work?

TANTAROS: Yes. It did. Only time I made up with and stuck with it.

GUTFELD: Why did you pate for the end of the year? You could have done that anytime.

TANTAROS: Well, I was forced to pick something. So I picked it and it worked out.

GUTFELD: Kimberly, I do my resolutions every day. I resolve to stop spying on you.

GUILFOYLE: Well, could you stick with that? It's getting to be awkward for the community policing group around my neighborhood, right?

GUTFELD: I'm just doing home security.

GUILFOYLE: And the trees sit-ins, yes.

WILLIAMS: The number one resolution of all time is --

BOLLING: Quit smoking.

WILLIAMS: Lose weight.

BOLLING: Lose weight, yes.

GUTFELD: Probably lose weight.

TANTAROS: I probably quit smoking, too. Yes.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: She doesn't smoke.

WILLIAMS: She said that.

TANTAROS: I said generally in the country.

GUILFOYLE: See, I know you misunderstood this. You get email --

TANTAROS: Yes, everyone thought I was dipping last night. I mean, you got to watch what you say.

GUILFOYLE: The chewing tobacco, the bubble gum.

GUTFELD: You mean last Friday, right? Couple days ago?

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: You must be really hammered right now. You think that happened yesterday. You know what? Here's the problem with resolutions and losing weight, you gain your weight back. Because you decide to this and you go on a crash diet for a month and give up, as opposed to just creating a normal eating plan.

BOLLING: Or doing nothing.

(CROSSTALK)

BOLLING: OK, it's New Year's, I'm going to start saving money. Or I'm going to start --

GUTFELD: You are brainwashed by the media to think it must be done.

You are the media.

BOLLING: Media doesn't have anything to do with it.

GUTFELD: Because they're the ones who keep doing these stupid stories.

BOLLING: You're the media and you did your monologue.

GUTFELD: I'm trying to stop it.

GUILFOYLE: You're doing it now. You're doing it right now.

GUTFELD: I'm trying to kill it. I'm trying to kill it.

BOLLING: You are the media.

GUTFELD: Why did I think I could change your mind?

WILLIAMS: You did. You think I'm not going on a diet. The people who sit next to me at the plane and hot tub, especially those diving in the hot tub -- they need to lose weight. The seats aren't big enough for these people.

GUTFELD: These people?

WILLIAMS: Yes, but not me. I'm telling you. The campaign took weight off.

GUILFOYLE: Don't take up more than your fair share in the hot tub.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: Moving on.

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