This is a rush transcript from "The Five," January 16, 2014. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Tuesday night the great "Daily Show" correspondent Samantha Bee attempted to unravel the charms of the massively successful show "The Five" through the magic of performance art, lampooning the cringing one-woman shows you find off Broadway.
She revealed one secret of the success -- a struggle between good and evil, the innocent and America's bad boy. Behold, beholders.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE, "THE DAILY SHOW")
JON STEWART, HOST: In 2011, Fox News premiered a novel new show "The Five." With more on "The Five," it's our own Samantha Bee.
Samantha, nice to see you.
SAMANTHA BEE, CORRESPONDENT: The truth about "The Five" is that it's as story as old as time, a story of love.
It's a tale of a winsome blond ingénue, Dana Perino, a young girl new to the big city, with big dreams and a heart so pure she makes Mary Poppins look like a disgusting (EXPLETIVE DELETED) bag.
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: Should the detainees be given the "E" word in the first place. We're going to discuss on "The Five."
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: Erotica?
PERINO: I can't say that.
PERINO: The reason they don't start families is because they feel like they are not financially secure enough to start a family yet. Not that they are not having S-E-X.
BEE: She can't say S-E-X.
Now, nobody falls for a good girl harder than a bad boy. And no boy was badder than the rebelicious Greg Gutfeld.
GUTFELD: I was on Percocet for seven days, best week of my life.
I'm drunk now. I've been drinking since two.
I gave three people hepatitis.
BEE: A pill-popping afternoon drunk who is riddled with hepatitis? There's got to be a catch.
Greg and Dana were total opposites. They should never have even been seated together, but once they were -- electric.
PERINO: Why do you do that to me? How do you have that power?
GUTFELD: I don't know.
BEE: She's not going to have just one suitor.
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: It's a game of high stakes international chess, so I put together a big old chessboard right here.
Can camera two take this? Because this is what you agreed to wear?
BEE: Really, Eric Bolling, prop comedy? That's not going to work on Dana.
Greg and Dana's love couldn't be denied. Not that others didn't try to pull them apart.
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: We put Gutfeld on here, we could have grilled Gutfeld -- no.
GUTFELD: That will be the best meat you ever had.
BECKEL: I'm sure it would be. That's what Dana tells me. Is that --
BEE: It turns out Greg and Dana had worse problems than scum Bob big pants.
GUTFELD: I want to wish a happy ninth anniversary to my wife Elena.
BEE: He has a wife?! You have a wife?!
You've broken all the hearts! Here, just take mine! I don't need it anymore!
GUTFELD: I have like about 40 seconds left on here to talk, but I can't.
PERINO: It was great. She was hilarious.
GUTFELD: I will say it's an amazing tribute to the show. And also, it talks about the nature of obsession from "The Daily Show" and other TV shows that are like -- have this amazing interest in Fox News.
BECKEL: Do you realize how much time "The Daily Show" spends on this one, Mr. Bolling? It seems like every other show they have Eric up there, and they are taking him on, right?
GUILFOYLE: "Colbert," "Daily Show."
BECKEL: They don't like you as much. Don't like sponge Bob big pants.
BOLLING: Man, what a tribute. What a tribute to the show. A tribute to you guys.
GUTFELD: Pretty funny.
BOLLING: Can I ask?
BOLLING: Are your respective spouses upset with that at all?
PERINO: Thankfully, Elena is in Russia.
GUTFELD: Yes, she's --
GUILFOYLE: What do you mean by that, Dana?
GUTFELD: We Skyped that morning, and she was fine.
PERINO: I had jury duty the last two days.
But you know what we decided to do yesterday morning because I thought -- I thought it was so well done. We sent her some flowers yesterday from our heart to hers, to Samantha Bee.
GUILFOYLE: Since she ripped hers out for you, it's only fitting.
PERINO: She really put her heart into it, really, you have to say.
GUILFOYLE: And we like those turtlenecks, with the little "The Five" --
PERINO: Could we get some of those over here?
GUTFELD: One thing, A, she has a shirt that we don't even have.
GUTFELD: By the way -- what was I going to say? Oh, the reason why this is so good is that if "SNL" was doing --I was talking about this with Bob -- if "SNL" had done this, they would have found a person to play each one of us and it would have been clumsy. She actually did it as performance art, which was so clever and different and different and refreshing.
And every time somebody sends me a link to it, I have to look at it!
BECKEL: You know, it's amazing to me that they are able to put those cuts together to make that thing work.
GUTFELD: Somebody is watching this show.
BECKEL: They have to be, because how many people remember that barbecue, that was a July 4th day.
BOLLING: Two years ago.
GUILFOYLE: I remember when you went down to the chicken wing eating contest.
PERINO: Almost three.
BECKEL: Almost three years ago and somehow or another, without that piece, it wouldn't have worked with the --
PERINO: Here was one major failing of her piece, though.
BECKEL: What was that?
PERINO: That Jasper is not brought up at all.
BECKEL: We almost got through this show.
PERINO: Four days in a row, you didn't have Jasper talk.
GUTFELD: By the way, two inaccuracies about the pills. That was taking out of the context. I was talking about when I had my appendectomy. I said I had an appendectomy.
GUILFOYLE: You're worried about the pills? What about the hepatitis you gave three people?
GUTFELD: I still regret that.
BOLLING: So, do you think they're done?
GUTFELD: I don't think you can do anything better than that.
BOLLING: Well, they -- there's a couple others they might go after.
GUILFOYLE: Me and Bob? Oh, my God, please.
BOLLING: I think there's -- they have a lot a fodder.
GUTFELD: They're going to do "Special Report" because there's a palpable tension between George Will and Krauthammer that cannot be denied.
PERINO: I agree. Who's smarter? Who is smarter?
BECKEL: I didn't notice that. Really?
GUTFELD: I'm joking.
GUILFOYLE: He's being facetious.
GUTFELD: All right. That was fun.
GUILFOYLE: Well done, "Daily Show."
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