So apparently the Obama administration will be reviewing the terror alert system put in place by George W. Bush after 9/11. That's the system that matches increased risk levels with five cool Gatorade flavors.
Now, I agree this system should go; it's based on color, which reeks of racism, by the by. But I think we should replace it with something that incorporates Obama's own "root cause" philosophy on terror.
I favor levels of indignation.
The first level: "hate." Generally this is how our enemies feel about us constantly — and rightfully so. At this level, you should ask yourself: How can you alleviate their anger? And, what have you done to cause it? It's really up to you and your own innate prejudices.
The next level: "fury." This means you've really pissed some people off. Once we hit this level, a mass apology written by all airline passengers must be sent to the offended group. A small gift might be a nice touch.
The final level: "rage." This is a serious stage — one that could have been avoided if you only had disavowed your stupid country and/or silly religion earlier. Grounding of flights (to be replaced by a large scale encounter group) is recommended. Deepak Chopra should handle all negotiations. It's worth it, just to see him in the caftan.
Finally, if an actual human-caused disaster occurs, simply remember that it's your fault. Then pick up Chopra's "The Magic of Healing" CD. It's only $24.95 and possesses "the ancient principles of healing sounds."
It goes great with a bubble bath.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 9-10PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld.