So like many of you, I came away from President Obama's press conference impressed by his composure, but without any real memory of what actually happened. Mainly because I was drunk. But I also sensed that I'd just been sold something that even the seller couldn't entirely comprehend.

See, while I can't expect a vacuum salesman to tell me exactly how the rotating brush works, at the very least he should know where the power button is.

In other words, I don't want our president explaining the joy of "weatherizing homes." His job is to tell us how this stimulus plan stimulates. Meaning, he needs to answer one question: How do massive government programs jump-start an economy?

Because I don't know. And I'm not sure he does either.

I mean, at first, even he said that you can't rely on the government for economic success. Which is true. Until he added: except for now! That only makes sense if you've just downed a bottle of cough syrup. Which, thankfully, I have.

We've all got to realize that reaming the rich never helps the poor.

President Obama maintains that tax cuts for the rich caused this crisis. But he's wrong. Fact is, while he elaborates on the difference between Wall Street and Main Street, we've all realized: There is no difference. When Wall Street suffers, so do we. When the rich become poor, the rest of us become poorer.

Which is why you should send me cash as soon as possible. It's our only hope, basically.

Also, taffy — send me taffy.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel's (FNC) The Greg Gutfeld Show (Saturdays 10-11PM/ET) and co-host of The Five (weekdays 5-6PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld