This is a rush transcript from "The Five," July 6, 2012. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Some researchers say they figured out what makes someone cool. They had people submit words that describe cool and rank them on desirability. This is research, people. The most common traits: attractiveness, friendliness, personal confidence and forehead creeps. Actually, the last one was social consciousness.
The study looked at kids from a Canadian university which makes you want to nullify the results. But you'd be wrong. After all, Canada did give us the 5-pin bowling and the odometer, which is cool.
Now, obviously, if you have to study cool, you'll never find it. It exists without effort, hence cool. We now elect presidents based on this apparently.
But the real joke that social consciousness makes you cool. Come on, that's euphemism. Researchers employed for the word liberal. You know, it meant gathering signatures for Greenpeace, not for your local Republican.
But they have it backwards. Coolness is based on prioritization of caring. The cool person reserves effort for people closest to them. In turn, they leave everyone else alone. They don't tell you what soda size to drink or how to recycle.
Socially conscious folks get in everyone's business as their own lives to go to hell. See Dana Perino, she seems so damn cool. Except to those who have to deal with her. Then you realize she is a pitiless monster who would be stopped.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: My gosh!
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: I thought you said piddleless (ph). Like piddle, like what Jasper does in the hallway.
GUTFELD: I'm surprised you would bring up your dog in this.
PERINO: Yes, he's cool.
PERINO: I want to know your definition of cool. Don't say cruelty to the elderly like you said in the green room, because that's disgusting.
PERINO: Well, clearly, that's what Bob thinks I want to do as a Republican, cruelty to the elderly.
What I don't understand about this is what does personal competence mean? Like that was one of the --
GUTFELD: Good at what you do.
PERINO: Personal competence? I don't know.
GUTFELD: It's like hygiene.
PERINO: OK, got it. What? Personal --
GUILFOYLE: Don't listen to him.
PERINO: If you comb your hair and wash your face? That makes you cool?
GUTFELD: You don't embarrass yourself in public, apparently.
PERINO: OK. Well, that rules you out, right?
I think that the coolest people are the ones that don't give -- about able anything, right? And they're kind of cool. But cool changes over time. What you thought was cool when you are a teenager might not be cool when you're older.
GUTFELD: How astute.
Eric, in the green room, you said the coolest thing you ever did was sneak a theater showing "Spy Kids 2" and that was last year.
ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: No, I didn't, Greg. You know, it's not like some people think being rebellious is cool. People looking up to the rebel, the tattoos and other things.
PERINO: Finicky.
BOLLING: But always, what's always probably being cool throughout eternity and probably will be cool is confidence. If you see someone who's really confident -- attractive, not attractive, whatever -- but if they're confident, it's pretty cool.
GUILFOYLE: I agree with that.
GUTFELD: Bob, clearly, you the coolest person at this table.
BOB BECKEL, CO-HOST: Yes.
GUTFELD: How do you keep your cool?
BECKEL: Well, first of all, if attractiveness is one of the qualifications, I lose. But I do want to say one thing, after our Fourth of July show, there was some talk about me having a toupee.
GUILFOYLE: You're so good --
BECKEL: I may be ugly, but this is all my hair. That's all I want to say.
GUTFELD: That was from your suspenders. It looked like it was something --
BECKEL: I understand that.
I don't know what cool is. I mean, I used to think that, you know, some rebels were cool. But, you know, I don't know what's cool.
PERINO: Were you considered cool in high school?
BECKEL: No. God, no. I was considered a thug then. Considered a thug now. I mean, I don't change much. You know, at last music, I thought cool was keeping up with like modern culture. The last music I remember is Willie Nelson. I mean, I don't, I don't -- I was a drunk for two-and-a-half decades. So, I don't remember much of that. I'm not drunk now.
GUILFOYLE: Look how well you are doing now.
BECKEL: It's cool that I did that.
GUILFOYLE: You are hanging out with the cool kids.
BECKEL: You guys are the cool kids, I accept that.
GUTFELD: Kimberly --
GUILFOYLE: Yes?
GUTFELD: Bottom line, if you are good-looking, then you have 99 percent of it. Isn't that unfair?
GUILFOYLE: I wouldn't know. You're not going to get me on this one.
GUTFELD: Who is cool?
PERINO: I have a recommendation. So, a lot of people here watch a great show on FX called "Justified." And I'm just now catching up. Tim Olyphant plays a guy named Rayland Gibbons, wears a Stetson, he's a U.S. marshal. That guy is so cool, the epitome of cool to me.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: You are like -- you have -- you develop these intense crushes.
PERINO: I know. So, that's why like Dierks Bentley is also very cool. We have a picture of him, too, because I didn't want anyone to feel left out. Yes, Dierks Bentley. So, both of them, I would have had posters of them on my wall in high school, junior high or earlier than that.
GUTFELD: Did you draw their name with hearts on your dream journal?
PERINO: Bubble letters?
GUTFELD: Yes.
PERINO: No, but I think I might start. It might be a good thing to do during the E-block, Bob's --
(CROSSTALK)
BECKEL: I think Tom Hanks -- not Tom Hanks. Who we've been talking about?
GUILFOYLE: Tom Cruise.
GUTFELD: Tom Cruise.
BECKEL: Tom Cruise is cool.
PERINO: What?
BECKEL: Yes, he's a man's man. I mean, he's a cool --
PERINO: Literally.
BOLLING: Can I jump in here?
GUTFELD: Yes.
BOLLING: Very quickly -- I'm Christian. So I say walking on water, Jesus Christ is cool. My wife is cool, because I better say that or I'm going to get in trouble. But my producer Mina is cool. Take a look. She's the one who puts together all those elements in the A block.
GUILFOYLE: You love Mina.
BOLLING: I love mina. Mina, you're doing a great job. She's cool.
BECKEL: Mina, you're responsible for that stuff? I never knew that.
Who is supposed to tease? Greg is. Be cool.
GUTFELD: I am. No choice for cool, Kimberly?
GUILFOYLE: Oh, I did. I said that I thought that George Clooney is cool.
PERINO: What?
GUILFOYLE: Even though he is on the other side, I like him. He's a really nice guy.
GUTFELD: Just because he hit on you, Kimberly. About every time he runs into you, he hits on you.
GUILFOYLE: Yes. Well, can you blame him?
GUTFELD: Can you blame him?
(LAUGHTER)
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