Dennis Miller on Harry Alford-Barbara Boxer Feud

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," July 22, 2009. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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BILL O'REILLY, HOST: In the "Miller Time" segment tonight, let's bring in the critic of chaos from Los Angeles, where he's closely watching the Barbara Boxer racial controversy.

So I've got to set this up, Miller. Harry Alford, head of the Black Chamber of Commerce, took exception to Barbara Boxer using other black groups to refute his disenchantment with various Obama policies, and you say what?

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DENNIS MILLER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: This is the most cathartic thing I've seen in the last 10 years of my life. I mean, Harry was on my radio show today. He's beautiful. He said, "I'm there to talk cap-and-trade. She wants to go to Colored Town."

O'REILLY: Colored Town.

MILLER: That's the greatest thing I've ever heard. I haven't seen a Boxer bloodied like that since Chuck Wepner, and it's about time it caught up to these people on the left. This is like Bill Clinton splitting South Carolina during the campaign. On his way out they asked him what he makes of the results, Barack Obama coming in ahead, and he says, "Well, Jesse Jackson did well here, too." And I'm thinking what's the connection there? What are they, just one big black guy to these people? It's unbelievable.

O'REILLY: You know, it's very interesting, because as it evolves it becomes clearer and clearer. I must say, when I first saw it, I was more focused in on Harry Alford's response, as you — and we went, "Whoa, look at this guy, taking her down." But then I started watch the Barbara Boxer presentation, and what is clear is what you just said. That instead of arguing the merits of cap-and-trade, why it's good for the United States, Boxer used black Americans against another black American. And that is what Alford picked up on right from the jump, and a lot of whites I think missed it. It's like she didn't debate the merits of cap-and-trade.

MILLER: I didn't miss it.

O'REILLY: You got it, because you're brilliant. But a guy like me, it took me three or four times.

MILLER: Listen, nothing pleased me more than when she said, "I've got some stuff here from the NAACP," and Harry goes, "Why?" That was...

O'REILLY: I thought we were talking about cap-and-trade.

MILLER: "I'm here to talk cap-and-trade. What are you doing?"

O'REILLY: It's America here. OK, so...

MILLER: Listen, I talked to Harry today. Real quickly, Bill. I said "Harry, would you rather have your racism come at you in a sheet with a burning cross or like this?" He said, "At least with a cross I know who to keep my eyes on."

O'REILLY: OK. It was very interesting.

Now, on the subject of cap-and-trade, Prince Charles, that noted ecologist, went to the annual Richard Dimbleby lecture. You know, Richard Dimbleby, he's a big guy. And he said that the earth has 96 months to avert irretrievable economic — ecosystem collapse. Not economic. Only 96 months left, Miller, and we're all going, according to Prince Charles at the Dimbleby lecture…

MILLER: Good. I won't have — I won't have to listen to this mindless crap anymore. Good. Incinerate me. Prince Charles has said the only reason this isn't completely up his arse is his ears are so big. What has this guy ever done? He lays around. The one time he had it in his life was when he was with Princess Diana. He decides to cheat on her with an even more beautiful woman, and all of a sudden he's an expert on this stuff. You know, I know he has investments in this with the prince's trust. It's as incestuous as his family tree, for God's sakes.

O'REILLY: OK. Now, do you want to get into Dimbleby, so we can say it a few times, because I just love saying "Dimbleby"? I don't know why.

MILLER: Well, listen, I saw "Harry Potter" last week. Dimbleby, he's one of my favorite characters.

O'REILLY: I know your heart is breaking that Paula Abdul may leave "American Idol."

MILLER: Listen, here's my feeling. She's the wise Latina woman. She should leave. Sonia Sotomayor should take over "American Idol," where she doesn't judge people on singing but has some pre-arranged quotas. They don't even have to sing. You change the name of the show to "American Idle," I-D-L-E. And then you take our man Harry Alford and put him on the Supreme Court.

O'REILLY: Do you know Paula Abdul? Why would she want to leave a program that has made her very famous and wealthy to go to exactly what? What else is out there for Paula? I'm not exactly sure?

MILLER: Well, listen, Paula's been pretty good at whatever she's touched. I'm not saying she's Madame Curie, but she's good on that show. They offered her 10, she wants 20. Seacrest got 15. Simon's obviously the indispensable party. You've got to give him a hundred, because it's a billion-dollar commerce factory. So you give Simon 100, Randy's the cool one, you could tell he played bass in a band. He just lays back and prints the checks, takes the gig through 2011. I think you can have Paula for two — or for $15 million. And you know something? She's a nice counterbalance to Simon. Simon's the real world. She's the real world of Pegasus and Doug Henning, and you need that balance there. So she'll probably get a few more mill out of it, but I don't think she's going anywhere.

O'REILLY: I don't think she's going anywhere. That is the biggest…

MILLER: Where are you going to make $15 million on TV other than "Idol" and "The Factor"?

O'REILLY: It's a hard world out there right now, so everybody should know...

MILLER: No, I meant me. I meant me.

O'REILLY: Now today for lunch I had two Hebrew National hotdogs, OK.

MILLER: Nice.

O'REILLY: And they were delicious. They were the best. But I go home, and then the Cancer Project is telling me they're going to file a lawsuit on behalf of some Jersey people saying that hotdogs cause cancer, and they have to be labeled like cigarettes. Hotdogs. So at the ball game, it's "Get your frank here. Could cause cancer here." Is that what we want?

MILLER: Listen, here's my feeling on hotdogs. I know they're crap. That's what I dig about them. I don't need a warning label on it. Just like when people that smoke cigarettes say there was no warning on them. You want to say, if they didn't know they were dangerous, they're lying through the hole in their trachea. I dig the fact that hotdogs are crap. And guess what? Maybe I don't want to stay alive forever to be with these nimrods who want to tell you what to eat, sleep and drink every day of my life. For God's sake, who's the wiener here?

O'REILLY: So you would not put warning labels on hotdogs? Frightening the children?

MILLER: Only if they were — only if they were delicious and when I bit into the warning label it had a nice snap to it.

O'REILLY: I mean, this is just going to redefine baseball games, picnics, barbecues. I mean, you just can't win, Miller. You can't win.

MILLER: We're losers. We've turned into a loser culture.

O'REILLY: We are.

MILLER: We're whiny losers.

O'REILLY: You know, we're cap-and-trading. We're having health care things that nobody knows about, and now we can't eat hotdogs. Dennis Miller, everybody.

MILLER: I'm going to start eating hotdogs with cigarettes in them.

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