This week on "The Colbert Report," Stephen Colbert attacked our War Room show, where we discussed what could happen in worst-case scenarios.
While I suppose he thinks that it's funny to make light of something so serious, he shines light on an incredibly important point. There's another worst case scenario that I refused to bring up at the time and here it is: America is on the road to socialism and I'm on the road to this.
The chin-to-Beck ratio is getting out of control and it's time someone does something about it.
We have reached a crossroads in our time together. There are only two ways to go from here.
Either I eat an occasional piece of broccoli or I just go for it and try to set the record for the fattest man in television history.
There's some charm in both. But it's time to make a decision.
That's why today we launch a new segment on this program.
We didn't ask for this war. We weren't the ones that made marshmallow Peeps fattening. We weren't the ones who opened up so many delicious locations of The Cheesecake Factory. We didn't ask for this war, but we can fight it together.
This war can only be won by focusing on principles and values.
"You can't eat pie for breakfast."
"Cold Stone Creamery works for me, not the other way around."
"Exercise isn't the anti-Christ."
"Don't act like you're making a point when you have dessert on your television set, when in reality you just want to eat while you're working."
Remember, if we don't stand up and fight this war now, we won't be able to say that "we surround them" anymore, because I'll be surrounding everyone by myself.
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