Political correctness jumped the shark many years ago in this country.
What started out as a noble endeavor has turned into a convenient excuse for frivolous lawsuits, created a cottage industry in workplace labor law and has created a majority out of the minority.
But none of that has anything to do with this column. No, I'm using PC absurdity for a little tongue-in-cheek fodder, and I've got my sights trained on the fast food industry.
Therefore, I'm offended by the following hamburgers, chicken sandwiches and tater tots.
The 4-Alarm Spicy Chicken Sandwich
How dare the marketing executives and sandwich gurus at Wendy's take a very serious fire indicator — 4-alarm — to describe how hot and spicy their new chicken sandwich is?
Now, I've never been involved in a 4-alarm fire, but I've seen them from the overhead helicopter camera on my local "Good Day" morning news show, and I've got to tell you, it looks dangerous.
It doesn't look like a yummy lunch.
Therefore, I'm calling for a class-action suit against the fast food giant on behalf of all firefighters and victims of, specifically, 4-alarm fires.
In fact, I bet that some lawyer could make a case that anybody — like me — who watches coverage of a 4-alarm fire on television could suffer from intentional infliction of emotional stress whenever passing a Wendy's restaurant.
Offender: Burger King
Cheesy tots? From the place where kids are supposed to be king? Well, I never!
Burger King describes these tasty fritters as "hot, golden brown tots with melted cheese in the middle." I describe them as an intentional effort to try to create friction between my toddler daughter and her father.
She will one day look me straight in the eye and say, "Dad, you think I'm cheesy. Remember when you used to call me a little tot?"
So I'm calling on all parents who call their kids "tots" to boycott all Burger King stores. In fact, I think that anyone who grew up with a "TOT FINDER" sticker in their window so that firemen would know there are toddlers in the room in the event of a four-alarm fire should band together for yet another class-action lawsuit!
You've offended your last, oh King of the Burger!
The Big Mac
Regular readers of the Grrr! column know that I'm only 5 feet, 6 inches tall and that I wear fancy elevator shoes whenever I interview celebrities and supermodels.
Therefore, I suffer from excessive and intentional emotional distress whenever I enter a McDonald's.
Because each time I look at a Mickey D's menu at the No. 1 combo meal, which just happens to be a BIG MAC, I'm cruelly reminded that I, in fact, am not big.
I'm sure all of the short guys out there can relate. Enough already. I can't take it anymore. But I do love those Big Macs. Ahhhhhhhhh.
I can't even write about it without emotional distress.
Despite all the Freedom Fries scuttlebutt a few years ago, french fries would not be the same if we stopped calling them french fries. Therefore, I'm letting that one go!