Here's a list of names that if I never hear again, I would die a happy man.
I'm sure I'm missing several, but the list changes with time. Remember the Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan saga? By the time Kerrigan won her silver medal I was fantasizing about taking a pipe to her other knee if I had to see that "why me" video one more time. "Why, Why, Why?"
But I digress.
These days it's "is Kobe innocent or guilty? How much time should Martha serve? Will Madonna suck face with Britney again? Or will she continue to write children's books?" Personally, I can't believe the same person is doing both, but hey, "she's loaded," so that makes it OK. Madonna (search), just go away. Stay in sunny London.
As for Jennifer Lopez (search), word is she's sporting another engagement ring from on-again-off-again beau Marc Anthony. Jennifer, please, this time -- for your own sanity, keep it on the DL.
As for disgraced CEOs Kozlowski and Lay, now theirs is truly a victory for the little people. No golf course for you! Send them to Abu Ghraib. Does Armani make an $8,000 dog leash?
Oops, there I go digressing again.
I never thought I'd be saying this, but give me Jessica Simpson over Britney Spears any day of the week. Here I thought that one day Jessica would be on top of my Grrr! list, but then Britney goes and gets married and unmarried in one day, locks lips with Madonna and is now in yet another affair with yet another man who has a baby with another woman on the way. And they say Christina Aguilera has morals issues?
For some odd reason I find Jessica Simpson's dumb-as-a-stump act utterly charming and her husband Nick, while a former cheesy boy-bander, is fast becoming my hero.
This just in: The other day I was perusing a celebrity event press release when I came across the name of 14-year-old soccer phenom Freddie Adu. Get this, young Freddie, who has played just a handful of professional soccer games now, was being honored as an "innovator," along with the likes of David Bowie. Now David Bowie I can see as an innovator. But Freddie Adu? Give the kid a chance.
'Survivor' ... Grrr!
I had to shut off the finale before Boston Bob popped the question. I've been squeamish to public marriage proposals ever since football player Jason Sehorn surprised actress Angie Harmon on "The Tonight Show" with an on-the-knee proposal. And I'm sorry if this is you, but anybody who proposes on the baseball stadium jumbo screen, or during halftime at a basketball game over the PA system or live on some talk show, deserves to hear "No."
Are you dying that much for attention? What, do you think you're so desirable you need to announce to all the ladies present that you are "off the market?" Marriage is a very personal thing. If you're too immature to treat it with the seriousness that making any lifelong commitment dictates, then she's in for a long, boring, married-to-a-temper-tantrum-throwing-self-centered-baby of a life.
Good luck, Amber.
More Self-Righteons ... Grrr!
I seldom experience road rage. Hey, for the most part there are Oblivions out there and they must be forgiven, for they know not what they do.
But then there are those Self-Righteon drivers who love to show you how right they are all the time. For instance ...
You're making a left turn, and the road across to the lane you're turning on is a little wider than you'd expected. The guy coming at you can clearly see you from at least 20 car lengths back, but do you think he'll let his foot off the gas just a little? Nooooo. He's got to speed up just fast enough to show you how close you came to an accident. The same guy will speed up and ride your butt when you back out of your driveway, just to prove to you that he's there, and boy, "I could have hit you if I wanted to."
Boy, thank goodness you didn't hit me Mr. Self-Righteon in the Dodge Ram pickup truck. I didn't see your giant truck there at all. To think that I would just back out of my driveway without enough time to put it in drive and speed up to your liking as quickly as a snap is simply MY BAD. Wow, I owe you my life. Thanks man.
Hello Mother, Hello Father ... Grrr!
Paging Mom or Dad, do you know that your 13-year-old daughter is walking through the mall wearing the word "Juicy" on her behind? Do you know that your pre-teen is sporting a tank top that says "Sexy" across her chest? Maybe I'm getting old. Maybe I'm more conservative than I thought. Maybe I'm a prude. Maybe ... maybe ... maybe ... nah.
There is absolutely no reason any child should be wearing clothes that suggest they are "sexy" or "juicy." It's plain wrong. When did being young and innocent become so bad?
You know, it's easy to spot an Oblivion by the way they walk. It's in the way that they wobble, unsure of exactly where they're going but moving nonetheless. Unfortunately, they're usually moving right in front of you.
It's easy to spot an Oblivion by the clothes they wear. They get all dressed up for the theater, for instance, or for dinner at that fancy restaurant. Now, I'm all for wearing nice clothes, but Oblivions act like it's their first time wearing them, or that they're somehow more important than the jeans wearing couple.
It's easy to spot an Oblivion because they're the ones who cut right in front of you as you wait on line. They are so oblivious that it's not even worth the effort to try to tell them that there even is a line. Just let them buy their bagel or coffee or get on the bus before you. It ain't worth the effort.
It's easy to spot an Oblivion because they've got it stamped to their forehead. "Caution: O-B-L-I-V-I-O-N." Oblivions should not be allowed to procreate.
Now For Your Grrrs
Liana from Frackville, Pa., writes: After reading an article on FoxNews.com this morning entitled “Jesus Chic is Latest Fashion Trend,” I immediately had a “GRRRRR! Moment.” Today’s Oblivions are Hollywood’s finest, pop stars and actors! The article mentions that Madonna is now wearing these t-shirts (the “Mary” one to be exact)...and, well, because Madonna is such a “fashionista,” everyone is buying these shirts. OK, have I missed something? Isn’t Madonna into that hyped-up sect of the Jewish religion called Kabala? Granted, I am a Christian, not Jewish, but I do understand a bit about the Jewish religion...Isn’t it the Jewish belief that Jesus wasn’t God’s son? I guess next we’ll have Brittney Spears wearing the belly button baring style of these shirts, gyrating in her dances on stage, all because Madonna (her idol) told her it was cool. Sometimes the intelligence level of these pop stars and actors really makes me want to go GRRRRR!!! Thanks for letting me vent!
Gregg Lee, Tulsa, Okla., writes: My Grrr is with public service announcements that are made on various AM Talk radio stations. What I am refering to is the anti-drug, anti-violence, stay in school commercials. It's not that I like drugs, violence or dropping out of school. I deplore those things. My Grrr lies in the fact that the ads run on those particular radio stations. I have a hard time believng that the young "at-risk" teens and so called "gang-bangers" are hanging out listening to their favorite conservative talk show host. I wish they did have a favorite conservative talk show host-- but that's beside the point. I assume that the non-profits look for the least expensive advertising, but if their target audiece isnt hearing the message, isn't every dollar wasted?
Getting out of the Pool in Workville, America, writes: Hey Mike, I have another kind of Oblivion to add to the list: Teamwork Oblivions...this is the person in the office who relies on (and ultimately abuses) the "teamwork principle." This particular Oblivion is always asking someone else to help her/him complete the tasks that they just can't seem to finish, meanwhile this person (Oblivion) manages to find the time to make several personal phone calls several times a day, makes the daily lunch break a main event, (spends all morning on the phone coordinating it) and is the first one out the door at quittin' time. To all those who qualify, I say: "We are your co-workers, not your personal pool of assistants!"
Randy B Snellville, Ga., writes on Airport Grrrs: While your idea about getting to the airport early and bumping flyers who show up late is laudable, trust a guy who is used to flying 2-4 times per week -- it doesn't work. Get there two hours early for a 6 a.m. flight, and there's no one there to check in your rental car, no airline employees at the ticket counter, and no TSA attendants on duty that early, especially in the smaller airports. So you stand around for an hour until everything opens, and then it's a free for all. And don't even think about getting breakfast somewhere.
Robert R. in Cyber Space Grrrs: Mike, love the column, but I have a quick question for you. I can see some irony in waving the flag from a foreign car, but what do you consider a foreign car nowadays? I drive a Ford Focus, but it was made in Mexico. One of my old Navy buddies bled red-white-and-blue and drove a Chevy Camaro.....it probably killed him when he found out they were made in Canada. My parents drive a Honda Civic that was made here in Ohio. My wife drives a Mazda Protege, which was made in Japan, but Mazda is mostly owned by Ford. As is Jaguar, who builds cars in the U.K. BMW has a plant in South Carolina. GM advertises its American Revolution...with a car made in Korea by Daewoo. I just don't know how anyone can make a distinction without some kind of chart or something. Globalized confusion .... GRRRRRRR! Keep it up.
D.W. Pugh in CyberSpace Grrrs: While the photos of Iraq POWs are horrible and are not in line with the Geneva Convention on POW Treatment, I would like to know where the United Nations, Red Cross, Amnesty International and other social groups were when Jessica Lynch was held captive, (Wall Street Journal reporter) Daniel Pearl was murdered and atrocities were being committed against U.S. captives?
Matt Riffle in CyberSpace writes: The thing that Grrrs me is when you go to any of these chain restaurants and some Oblivion is there celebrating a birthday. The spouse, without fail, summons a chorus of waiters and waitress to sing a clever birthday jingle. Grrrr! I am happy you are a year closer to the end but don't bother me while I am trying to enjoy a meal and a beverage! Next time go to Chuckie Cheese's if you want to celebrate in public like a 5 year-old! Keep up the great column!
Gary B. in Fort Smith, Ark., writes: What Grrrr's me is waiting in the health club watching someone stay on a treadmill for an hour while there are no other ones available and there is a big sign on the treadmill saying "please limit use to 30 minutes while others are waiting." Is it ego that makes them think all the people standing around want to watch them run or are they just oblivions?
Dan in Memphis, Tenn., writes: I was surprised by your cheap-shot about the "self-righteons" who are opposed to gay marriage but fans of Nathan Lane in The Producers, and I can't let you get away with it. You're twisting a political stance into something it's not, for the sake of making yourself look better. I guess I am one of those "self-righteons" who is opposed to gay marriage and would love the chance to see Nathan Lane in The Producers. Why? Because talent is talent, and I can delight in it whether we are on the same political side or not. Just because I want to protect the sanctity of marriage does NOT mean I hate gays. And just because I disagree with some of your Grrrr's does not mean that I will stop watching YOU act or stop reading YOUR column.
Jane (my biggest fan) writes: Here's my Grr...I really dislike pretty boys who think because their Nancy-boy face cream has enhanced their looks, and they have plucked their unibrow into two separate wooly caterpillars, they have no right to tell fat kids that they should just deal with mean punks....
...oh, you mean what I said to you wasn't nice and civilized?....too bad...you're just a big, fat panty-waist! I love you too sweetheart! Jane
--Huh? By the way, you forgot to mention my manicure, fancy wardrobe and hair product. Lots of hair products.
The Cutting Room Floor
Baby Maxine made an appearance with me on "FOX Magazine" for a "bring your daughter to work day" of sorts. We interviewed author Lu Hanessian, whose new book "Let the Baby Drive" hit bookstores last week.
I also covered the opening of the new Broadway musical "Bombay Dreams" last week, where I didn't let Donald Trump walk on by this time, like I did at the Playboy party last year.
Until next week, Grrrrrrrrrr!
Mike Straka is the Director of Operations and Special Projects for FOXNews.com, and contributes as a features reporter and producer on "FOX Magazine" & "Sunday Best." As an actor, Straka appeared in the film "Analyze This," co-starred in the Off-Broadway hit "Tony n' Tina's Wedding," and has done several television commercials and shows.