It's a jungle out there.
People are vicious. They'll chop you down in a New York minute. They'll step on you, grind you, abuse you and then leave you wondering what happened.
No, I'm not talking about life. I'm talking about shopping. And I know this sounds sexist, but men cannot handle this world.
I freely admit that I am out-flanked, out-run and simply out-gunned by far savvier and swifter female shoppers.
So guys, here now my tips for making this jungle a little more manageable.
Tip one: Have a list. Go in there blind and you'll be eaten alive, or worse, left to wander the mall like some hapless nomad, or worse yet, you'll look stupid. If you're waiting for ideas to come to you, you'll end up getting your wife designer mittens. And let me tell you this: Your wife doesn't want designer mittens.
Tip two: Don't comparison shop -- it's a waste of time. Sure you can find the same perfume a few dollars less at the department store on the other side of the mall. But it's at the other side of the mall! Do you really feel like walking there? If you see it, then buy it and be done with it.
Tip three: Make sure your item has a sales tag on it. I can't tell you the hell to pay at the register if it's missing one -- you're going to be there for months.
Which brings me to tip four: If the aforementioned item doesn't have a sales tag on it and you're up at the register, leave. Simply leave -- crying is optional.
Tip five: Avoid sales clerks who blink slowly. It pretty much means everything else they do, they do slowly as well. And slow blinkers have attitude. Avoid them.
Item six: Avoid female feeding areas -- sales bins and pretty much any area you find female shoppers congregating. Remember, they know what they're doing, you don't. And they know you don't. They will kill you. So step back, get out and pay more somewhere else.
Oh yes and one last thing, guys. Remember the "one-hour photo rule" -- in and out of the mall in one hour. Not a minute more. If you can't get this done fast, then don't do it at all. Your wife will understand, even if she does end up with just designer mittens.
Be warned. Be merry. Now go out there and make me proud. I expect a full report e-mailed to me as soon as you're done.
Watch Neil Cavuto's Common Sense weekdays at 4 p.m. ET on Your World w/Cavuto.
Neil Cavuto serves as senior vice president, anchor and managing editor for both FOX News Channel (FNC) and FOX Business Network (FBN). He is anchor of FNC's Your World with Cavuto - the number one rated cable news program for the 4 p.m. timeslot - as well as the FNC Saturday show Cavuto on Business. He also hosts Cavuto on FBN weeknights at 8 p.m. In addition to anchoring daily programs and breaking news specials on FNC and FBN, Cavuto oversees business news content for both networks and FNC's weekend business shows, including Bulls & Bears, Forbes on Fox, and Cashin' In. Click here for more on Neil Cavuto.