Gregg Jarrett: Hillary's 'What Happened' needs a better name -- How about 'I was entitled'?

Hillary Clinton has always been adept at blaming everyone but herself. Her soon to be published memoir of the 2016 presidential election is no exception. 

It's officially called “What Happened.” Based on the excerpts reviewed so far, it bears little resemblance to what happened. 

I can only imagine the conversation that led to the publisher’s selection of such a beguiling title.   

Publisher:  Hillary… we need to come up with a shorter title to your book. 

Hillary:  What’s wrong with, “I Lost The Presidency Because of Sexism, The Media, Russians, Comey, Racism, Xenophobia, The Democratic National Committee, Misogyny, Obama, Biden, Sanders, Wikileaks, The Electoral College, And Polling Data”?

Publisher: Well, for one thing… it won’t fit on the cover. 

Hillary: You wouldn’t say that if I’d won. You’re victimizing me because I lost. And you’re just like Trump, literally breathing down my neck and making my skin crawl. Back up you creep.

Publisher: Uh… I’m sitting across from you at a large table. And while we’re on the subject, our editors think you should delete that whole business about Trump breathing down your neck. It is simply not true. We looked at the debate tape. He never stalked you on stage.  We think you’ve confused reality with the "Saturday Night Live" skit. 

Hillary: Oh, and I suppose you want me to get rid of that line about how I’ve endured “a lifetime of dealing with difficult men trying to throw me off.”   

Publisher: Unless you’re talking about your husband, yes.  In fact, people think you leveraged your marriage to a man who became president to advance your own political career. Granted, Bill has been difficult.  He cheated on you with that young intern. 

Hillary: That was a vast, right-wing conspiracy. Besides, he did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky!     

Publisher: Try to calm down. 

Hillary: You’re being sexist. Just like Bernie Sanders and his crazy supporters. He’s not even a Democrat. He’s a socialist, for God’s sake! Sanders is to blame for my loss, along with Obama and Biden. They never really supported me because I’m a woman. They’re all deplorables, just like every registered Republican in America.

Publisher: You don’t want to go there again.

Hillary:  Comey is the real villain.  He and Loretta Lynch fixed it so I wouldn’t get indicted.  Then, he turned on me just before the election and re-opened the investigation into my private email server.  What’s the big deal?  So what if classified government documents were stored in the basement of our home?  We bought a security system at Lowe’s.  Believe me, it’s “a nothing burger.”  I said that recently.  

Publisher: Frankly, it’s against the law. 

Hillary: Right, and I guess you think it was illegal for me to use my public office as Secretary of State to confer benefits to foreign governments in exchange for donations to my Foundation and cash to my husband?  

Publisher: It would seem so. 

Hillary: C’mon…everybody does it. That makes it right. It was no more crooked than the DNC secretly conspiring with me to defeat that commie, Sanders.  Or destroying 30,000 emails that were under congressional subpoena. Was that obstruction of Justice?  You bet. But let ‘em prove it. I wiped that server clean. Without the incriminating evidence, they’ve got no proof. 

Publisher: Moving on… you write in your book,“What makes me such a lightning rod for fury?  I’m really asking. I’m at a loss.”  You really don’t know?     

Hillary: I’m clueless.   

Publisher: To be perfectly honest, Hillary… your name is synonymous with scandals. And they were all self-created. No one forced you to set up a private email server. No one made you pocket $225,000 from Goldman Sachs for a speech. No one coerced you into using your Foundation in a way that smacks of influence peddling and self-dealing. 

Hillary: That was all made up by the media! They’ve always hated me.  Whitewater, Travelgate, the big bucks I made on those cattle futures. The fact that I always managed to evade indictment is a testament to my complete innocence.  I’m like Big Julie in “Guys & Dolls” when he bragged, “Thirty-three arrests and no convictions!”

Publisher: Don’t you think your book needs some measure of honest self-reflection?  Perhaps an admission that you ran a bad campaign, ignored the advice of experienced political pros, never understood what voters truly cared about, and failed to develop a coherent message that resonated with Americans?

Hillary: But I was entitled! Don’t you see? 

Publisher: I do. That should be the title of your book.

Gregg Jarrett is a Fox News legal analyst and former defense attorney.