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Gutfeld: The New York Times misleads by design
Published September 23, 2018
This is a rush transcript from "The Greg Gutfeld Show," September 22, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: You remember the tears from the fake news media when it was obvious that we were going to win? And you know what? They are still crying. Look at them. They are still crying. They're still crying and let them cry."
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GREG GUTFELD, HOST, THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW: Let them cry. There's no crying on Gutfeld. All right, earlier this week the New York Times published a help wanted ad, a staffer actually tweeted this, "Folks, the New York Times needs your help. We are looking for false information being spread deliberately to confuse, mislead or influence voters ahead of the 2018 midterms. Tip line here. Please share."
I love the "folks" part. That way we'll think they're actually human. Now, when I first heard the Times asking for proof of fake news. I sent them a New York Times gift subscription. I mean, really, I mean, think about it. "The Times" asking for proof of fake news. That's like Dolly Parton setting up a GoFundMe page for breast implants. Or Michael Moore pleading for more cake or Maroon Five asking you to write more terrible songs. Yes, Maroon Five.
As if the NFL is not screwed enough, they hired a car alarm to play at the Super Bowl. I think we found something worse than kneeling before the flag, it's puking in your ear.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ADAM LEVINE, AMERICAN SINGER (Singing): She will be loved. She will be loved.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Not by you. Talk about a dog whistle, every time that's played, an angel sets itself on fire. Anyway, here is some fake news, okay, you know that little box on your front page that says all the news, that's fit to print, that's fake. Every time the real story is not fit to print, like the good news coming out of the Koreas, no nukes is good news, so the Times can't be bothered.
Did you hear about her dealings with Poland? If it undermines the Russian collusion narrative, you're not going to hear much. And there's that endless good news on the economy but who is counting, just people seeing more cash in their wallets.
But that's not what the Times want you to see. They want fake news from readers just to camouflage their conveyor belt of bias and they can do it without you or a hand mirror. By the way, I'm not saying I don't make mistakes, this is actually what I wore at the Emmys.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I knew he must have been getting into something, but I just didn't imagine it would be this. Does it feel good?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Very angry at my stylist. I make mistakes every time I open my mouth, that is not fake news though. The Times misleads by design and only admit the big errors when they are actually cornered. Remember this headline? "Nikki Haley's view of New York is Priceless. Her curtains? $52,701.00." Sound like they're blaming her for the purchase because they are even those near the bottom of the piece you'll find out that Obama's staff ordered those curtains for 52K, the most expensive drapery since Joe Biden's hair plugs.
There are other examples. The recent anonymous op-ed about insiders trying to stop Trump. That could be inducted into the fake news hall of fame or what I call CNN. I'm kidding. Not really, I don't know. Fact is, real none fake news means nothing to the Times because what it's whatever contradicts their wacky left world view. Remember their idea of a big thinker?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We are following our - I will not yield because of it.
(CROSSTALK)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Yes, and the Times endorsed him. What a member of the House. Member of the house. Member of the House. What are you people clapping about? Sick, sick people. Plus when Republicans are in charge the sun cannot possibly shine, so a dystopian world is built and chaos must reign. The Media Research Center compiled the words the press uses to describe Trump. He is always angry, furious, outraged, infuriated, livid, erupting, lashing out, on a tirade. The good news he only stabbed Mike Pence twice, it could've been worse.
So why this language? Well, make you think the guy is unstable. That's today's the narrative. Unstable. Next week, it will be living in a stable with a beautiful mare. Don't question lifestyles. Absent any horrible deeds by Trump and face with great economic news, the media must create a daily fear that justifies their sweat stained night terrors. I mean, how dare you not freak out like the Times, like "The View" like CNN. To them, Trump's tweets are like spiders. Yet, you, because don't read the Times you sleep through the night like a baby on dry sheets unlike Krugman, but if you can't live in fear like them, maybe you need a drug.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TOM SHILLUE, AMERICAN COMEDIAN: I will tell you something, things are going great. I've got a new job and a bonus. My taxes are down and my neighborhood is safe and clean. I'll tell you something, I sleep well at night.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Bummer isn't it? You're doing it all wrong. In today's world, it's simply unhealthy if you're not as stressed out is the media want you to be. If you're not up all night worrying about your problems, the problem is you. You need to worry about things even if they do not exist.
SHILLUE: How do I do that?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It's called Dramaquine. It's the first drug that creates daily stress by changing the chemical makeup of your brain, designed to wake you up at 3:00 a.m. And keep you alert for three solid hours worrying about ridiculous things. The secret ingredient, bad cocaine.
SHILLUE: Wait, what?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Don't worry. I've already put some in your drink, so you'll feel it by the time you get home.
SHILLUE: What are we going to do about our horse? He eats so much hay, so much hay. Never enough hay.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We don't have a horse, Larry.
SHILLUE: But what if we did? What if we did?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We live in a studio apartment in Midtown.
SHILLUE: What if we move to a farm? Then we need a horse and it would eat hay, much hay. Never enough hay.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You are an idiot and I am leaving you.
SHILLUE: What about the horse?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So how do you feel, Larry?
SHILLUE: Awful. I was up half the night. I feel terrible.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The horses, right? Excellent. See you in two weeks.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So get Dramaquine today or don't go on with your life without worrying so much.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight guests, he produces more laughs than my hyena feather tickler, I don't like that, TV writer and producer Rob Long, and I wrote that horrible introduction. She's so sharp, she's often mistaken for cheese, I know, I wrote that, too. Her new book "#You're Not Disturbed" is out October 9th, author and TV host, Jedediah Bila. She'll she will make you laugh and cry and then the very depressed. "National Review" reporter, Kat Timpf. He bruised his knee on Mount Rushmore, former WWE superstar and my massive sidekick, Tyrus.
Rob, what do you make of the media crowdsourcing to help bolster their idea of fake news? I mean, they did it with Sarah Palin's e-mails, remember that?
ROB LONG, TV WRITER AND PRODUCER: Yes, but it's just a weird thing because they're already doing that. It's like - it feels to me like, Nick Confessore, the guy, I feel like he needs probably to have a little talk with whoever the - the HR mental health person at "The New York Times"
because you're not supposed to let the wire show. This looks like, they're like letting us already know their playbook which is to sort of find stuff and then kind of - it's fake news.
GUTFELD: Yes, that's true. That is very transparent of them. They should be sitting around let's find ...
LONG: And also, like they keep saying, whenever they make a mistake, it's like, "Well, we don't have enough editors." I guarantee you, in the New York Times building, there are enough editors.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
LONG: It's just that they are all partisan Democrats.
GUTFELD: Yes, and they are cash-strapped so they need a crowd to help them do this. I think the real crowdsourcing, Jedediah, are the people that force them to do corrections. The ones - when they saw the Nikki Haley, that was real crowdsourcing and everybody - like if Fox News had just said, what you did to Nikki Haley was terrible, they would just say, "That's Fox News."
JEDEDIAH BILA, AUTHOR AND TV HOST: Right, they should have just retracted that. That was ridiculous.
GUTFELD: Well, they did.
BILA: Right, how long does it take? I mean, they did these little corrections that nobody reads in fine print. I'm just curious what disinformation - they say they're going on a disinformation campaign, try to find out the misinformation out there. What is misinformation to the "The New York Times"? Seriously, they're going to be looking at people's Facebook posts in their Facebook group. If I had a Facebook post out that was talking about Hillary Clinton the liar in the last election, they would call that misinformation.
GUTFELD: Right.
BILA: I would call that the truth because she's a liar. But honestly, now it's going to be - I'm wondering if you're going to see a list of items from the Daily Caller, Townhall, Foxnews.com, conservative pundits and they are going to call that misinformation, when in fact, those are a lot of the people that are fact checking the New York Times.
GUTFELD: You know, you should write a book on Hillary Clinton and it's called, "Miss Information." I come up with these ideas almost monthly.
BILA: You already titled my next book. Don't say it. Don't say it.
GUTFELD: Oh, no I did, I came up with a new nutrition book, called "The Jedediet."
BILA: He's got to say it. Thank you. And Kat, I'd come up with titles for your podcast, none of which are printable. Anyway, Kat, is your opinion swayed very much by media spin?
KAT TIMPF, REPORTER, NATIONAL REVIEW: No.
GUTFELD: That's good.
TIMPF: It's not. I think it's going to be interesting to see how this plays out because I wonder if they will just cover the fake news that hurts Democrats rather than also covering the fake news that might go against President Trump because if you really care about fake news and that is your issue, then you have to cover both.
Also, I think that this is making the assumption, this entire thing is making the assumption that fake news is the reason why Trump won the election, right? That's a lot of liberals think. They're going to be very disappointed when they find out that's not the case. Trump won the election because Hillary Clinton was a nightmare of a candidate. And it really was that simple.
GUTFELD: I'm beginning to believe knocking Hillary will get applause. I did not even knock her, Tyrus. I just said maybe if I knock her.
GEORGE "TYRUS" MURDOCH: It was a pre-knock.
GUTFELD: It was a pre-knock. I had a pre-knock agreement, so it didn't work out. Trump administration has rattled the media in such a good way in some ways, right? That they're doing this.
MURDOCH: Well, I would say they keep them honest, but that's not happening. I think it's gotten to the point where - this was a board meeting. You know this was a meeting, this was a group of five or six editors like, "Johnson, what have you got?" "Russia is not working." "He's an adulterer, it's not working. He is lying, it's not working. He's rude. It's not working. What have you got?" "Quick something." Let's go to the people. Maybe there's some really good liars in the street and have some really good - I saw some stuff on Facebook. We could do that."
And that's basically, it's like, that's our new campaign. It's not us, it's the people. So now, they're trying to blame it on us because the fight they're having is failing miserably. It hasn't really - no one has seen a story about Trump from his side, it's been like, you have, wow - you know what? Thank you. I did not know that. The hell with this guy. Now, it's like, it just gets worse for them.
GUTFELD: You know what the thing is? All the stories begin with the bad stories with, "Well, he said this." Nobody cares about what he said anymore, it's whether he's done stuff and so far, what he's done is fairly productive. So when he's just - well, did you hear what he said? It's like yes - yes, I took cabs.
MURDOCH: I heard what he said but I was busy buying my new vote with my extra tax money, so I really don't care what he is going to say because I'll be on my boat. And there's no reception on my brand-new boat, that I paid cash for.
GUTFELD: Who buys a boat? Coming up, the media is now like - remember, there were three stooges. There was always one lady in "Three Stooges" that was constantly freaking out, like, "Get away." That's the media. The media is the lady from "Three Stooges."
LONG: Or actually the Marx brothers, Margaret Dumont.
GUTFELD: Yes, I'm sorry. You know what, I got confused. Margaret Dumont, that's why you're in TV. Not some weirdo.
LONG: That's not the only reason.
GUTFELD: So true. What do Bob Woodward, Alec Baldwin and Stormy Daniels and Rob Long have in common? Whatever it is, it is contagious.
Like me after eating eight-been Doritos and dark roast coffee, Stormy Daniels is letting it all out. She's got a new book out, it's called "Full Disclosure" and she's telling everything and I mean everything about that time in the hotel room with Trump - kiss and tell. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you can Google it, but why? I run a classy show here.
So yes, Stormy has got a book out about Trump, Bob Woodward has got a book about Trump, Alec Baldwin wrote a book about Trump and so did Rob Long, you are welcome, Rob, there is your plug.
MURDOCH: I enjoyed that book, by the way.
GUTFELD: A book of poetry. Honestly, has anybody been better for the book industry that Donald Trump? Hell, no. You've got a story about Trump? You've got yourself the makings of a book? In fact, anything that happens to you regarding Trump, big, small or utterly pointless can become a book. Here is a stack of books that are coming out soon.
Okay, let's go to this one. See that. "I sneezed: Did the President they bless you, Carl? No.". That's an actual book. "Trump Cut In Front Of Me At Baskin-Robbins And Then Broke Wind." That's a favorite. "Trump Tweeted That I Have Sleepy Eyes, Which I Do But That's Not My Fault." That is Chuck Todd's memoir. Oh yes, "I Was Hired To DJ A Trump Family Wedding And He Grabbed The Mic And Said I Had Low Energy And Was A Waste of Money."
I don't know, Jed, had a night job? All right. "Trump Did Not Hold The Door Open For Me In 1986 At Studio 54 And Then I Was Framed For Cocaine Possession In The Bathroom. Truth Is I Had Already Finished The Coke I Came With." "Anyway, If You Want To Hang Out Later, I'd Love To Tell You About My Screenplay I'm Working On And Do You Know Where I Can Get Some More Coke?"
All right, Jedediah, you're a busy person. You have a great new book coming out. Are you interested in reading any of these books? Do you have an idea for a Trump book?
BILA: You know what's so sad? I purposely left Trump out of my book because I was afraid that I would marginalize half the country if I bought him in. I was like, "Oh, half the country is going to hate me. Half the country will love me." I'd rather try to appeal to more people, but now that I think of it, even if Trump hated the book, he would have tweeted it out and I would've sold a ton of books. Who's dumber than me? I should have went after Trump in the book.
GUTFELD: Yes, you should have. You should have. He hasn't tweeted about my book. Kat, if you are to write a book about Trump, what would it be about?
TIMPF: It would be anything but Trump.
GUTFELD: That's a great title.
TIMPF: Anything but Trump. Well, seriously, a lot of these books that come out, these tell-all books, they do absolutely nothing to change anyone's mind whatsoever. If you are reading it and you believe everything in it, you hated Trump before you picked up that book and if you're someone who supports Trump, you kind of don't really find it credible and you think it's all anonymous claims and you see it more as the media going after Trump and I think in the case of a lot of Trump supporters, even if every single thing and every single one of these tell-all books were true, I don't think they'd really care because they like the results, they like the policies, they like the vision that he has for the country.
So I don't think it makes a difference. People would be better off writing books about like cross stitching or like frog genetics, that would change just as many minds about Trump as these books are going to change.
GUTFELD: How about cross stitching a frog?
TIMPF: What's that Greg?
GUTFELD: All of a sudden we are pro-frog. Geez Louise.
TIMPF: That is vile.
GUTFELD: It is vile. Tyrus?
MURDOCH: I've given this a lot of thought. I don't really know about the content, but I've got the cover down.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: Tyrus and Trump. TnT. Two guys who just don't give a [bleep].
GUTFELD: I like that. And it's for teens?
MURDOCH: It's for everybody.
GUTFELD: It's for everybody.
MURDOCH: No, is it for real? Because - have you heard kids today? I've walked by a school to pick up my daughter. I learn new stuff and she is four. She is a mouth on them. It's the things they Google. Watch your kids.
GUTFELD: Watch her kids. I don't want to have to. Rob, I'm not allowed to by the way, just by ...
LONG: A 101 yards from any school, sure.
GUTFELD: How did you know?
LONG: It is the law.
GUTFELD: It is the law. I went to law school just to figure that out.
You have obviously had a Trump look out ...
LONG: Yes.
GUTFELD: How did it do?
LONG: Well, it didn't cause me any tax trouble, let's put it that way. So, I took some speeches and interviews and stuff and I like arranged it like poetry because he kind of talks like poetry a little bit. So it's not elegant poetry, but it's got a certain rhythm and stuff.
GUTFELD: It's poetic.
LONG: And so people who love Trump didn't like it because they thought I was making fun of him and if you really love Trump, you are not allowed to make fun of him. They'll make fun of the god king. And people who hate Trump, but you can't make fun of him. He's the most evil thing ever, it's like making fun of Hitler, so people who love Trump did not buy the book and people who hate Trump did not buy the book ...
BILA: This was my fear.
LONG: So basically, nobody bought the book.
MURDOCH: I read the book, but I did pick it up in the back of the green room. So, sorry, I owe you. Whatever the idea is, hit me up after the show. I would say this talking style, you pointed out great. Don King, his wrestling background, he learned how to speak that way like - he has just kind of almost like a flow, like a rhyme when he talks. Mohammed Ali was the same way. It's a great way to communicate and Don King was a big, big proponent of that and he learned his public speaking back in the day.
GUTFELD: Yes.
MURDOCH: That's so true.
GUTFELD: They are very similar in that matter. My idea is a book of recipes with only four ingredients which would be well done steak, ketchup, Diet Coke and fried chicken. I calculated with four variables, you have
10,000 commendations with those four ingredients.
I don't have a name for it though, but I think it would be called ...
LONG: "Remaindered."
GUTFELD: "Remaindered." That's a concern for being discounted heavily, like your face. Still to come, when will the media wake up and cover the Brett Kavanaugh story? It's like I have to do everything around here.
MARIANNE RAFFERTY, CORRESPONDENT, FOX NEWS: Live from "America's News Headquarters," I'm Marianne Rafferty. The woman accusing Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault has tentatively agreed to testify before a senate committee on Thursday. But several elements involving Christine Blasey- Ford's testimony remain unclear. Talks are set to continue Sunday. Ford says the Supreme Court nominee attempted to rape her decades ago at a high school party. Kavanaugh has categorically denied the allegation.
And overseas, the death toll from the tragic ferry accident in Tanzania is more than 200, but an engineer managed to survive the disaster. He locked himself in a small room inside the ship and divers pulled him to safety. Authorities say he is in serious condition. The ferry captain's has been arrested. Investigator's alleged that he had someone untrained steering that vessel. As many as 400 passengers may have been on a ferry with a capacity limit of a hundred. I'm Marianne Rafferty
GUTFELD: Well, just between the end of that last segment and this segment, I think three more books came out about Trump. I know, here are a few. "Trump Made Me Cook A Steak Well Done. I Mean, Who Eats Well Done Steak?" I remember this guy. The President Push Me Aside At A Global Leader Summit And I Am Still Mad." This goes way back. "In The First Grade, Trump Borrowed My Pencil And When He Gave It Back It Had Bite Marks On It."
All right. All right. Will an accusation undo a nation? Attorneys for Kavanaugh accuser, Christine Blasey-Ford said their client wants testify next week before the Senate Judiciary Committee, but it won't be Monday and it won't be unless the terms are fair. Good, I hope they work this out so we can weigh all the testimony and decide with all the facts presented to us.
The way our system of justice is supposed to be, innocent until proven guilty, not the other way around.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOY BEHAR, HOST, THE VIEW: These people in Congress right now, and that Senate Judiciary Committee, these white men, old, by the way, are not protecting women. They are protecting a man who is probably guilty.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: She is always so helpful. As is Democratic Senator Mazie Hirono who says, quote, "Dr. Ford needs to be believed." Isn't that another way of saying, Kavanaugh is guilty," but she's actually going further than that.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MAZIE HIRONO, US SENATOR, HAWAII, DEMOCRAT: Guess who's perpetuating all of these kinds of actions? It's the men in this country and I just want to say to the men in this country, just shut up and step up. Do the right thing. For a change.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: All right . I think the right thing is to not make sweeping generalizations, but that is me. It seems to me if we are going to take all accusations as fact without a fair hearing then we really don't need a legal system at all. So we really don't even need a Supreme Court and therefore we don't need a Justice Kavanaugh. So, I guess we can all go home, right, Clyde?
Clyde always agrees with me, Kat. No matter what happens, I think the country is really getting united when this is over.
TIMPF: Yes, right. Be divided forever.
GUTFELD: What you think of this? It seems to me that if you don't believe, then you're in another camp, right? And why can't you take something seriously and reserve judgment? I don't get it.
TIMPF: I don't know what to think, so I don't have a camp to go home to. I'm wandering around in the forest. Because on the one hand, why would she lie? Her life has been made way more difficult because of this. She's getting death threats. She is fearing for her safety, on the other hand, normally when there's an accusation like this, a bunch more accusations pop up because men who do things like this generally don't do them just one time.
So I want to flat out say that I don't know and I think a lot of the people who are claiming that they know for sure one way or another, their reasoning for their belief is based on partisanship rather than on the facts because the facts are super unclear. People are saying she must be believed, you have to believe her. They don't want Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court. And a lot of people who are saying she's lying, she must be lying, do want Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court and that's what they're basing it on rather than the facts. I don't know how looking at the facts, any reasonable person could say for sure that they know one way or the other.
GUTFELD: Yes, it is something you can't know anything about, Tyrus? Correct?
MURDOCH: Yes, because my name has been in it and I ain't in it. I'm not going to make general ideas of my belief system. I feel, in this case, this is very similar, I talked about with Clarence Thomas back in the day and I think because both of them are going to tell their story and so much time has passed, and there's really not going to be any - in my opinion, my humble opinion, I don't see how we are going to know one way or the other just because of the time and these other witnesses or facts and police reports and things like that.
So, If it comes down to both people's statements, I think tie should go to the accused, just based off - just my opinion.
GUTFELD: Justice is like, you're innocent until proven guilty, but in the court of public opinion, Rob, we have flipped this. It's now, you are guilty and you should just go away.
LONG: Or you're only guilty if we don't like you already. You have to not like him already to think that he's guilty. There is no facts that are going to come out. No one has any facts. This happened 30 plus years ago. The guy says he was not even there. She says I'm pretty sure it was you. There's nothing new to come out. It's really going to be two stories being told. I mean, they're both pitching two different movies and only one of them is going to be the box office hit. And I think his problem is, how do I treat this person with respect and with dignity even though what she's saying is not true.
GUTFELD: Yes. And it is a challenge because you have to be so delicate about what you say or else you will be attacked. And I think, Jedediah, my trouble with this is politics is now the art of personal destruction.
Nothing is sacred - if you are politically different from me, I will come after you and I think that all men and women, we shouldn't be divided by gender on this.
BILA: Right, it's not about gender. It's not about gender. It's about the idea that somebody can wake up one day, make an allegation and I don't know if it's true. I wasn't there. Nobody in this room knows. None of us were there. There were three people in the room, over 30 something years ago. She doesn't remember when it happened. She doesn't remember exact details.
Everyone has said we want you to come forth and speak your mind, but that doesn't mean that on second one, there's a victim and there's a perpetrator. That has not been decided yet. That is not fair and watching this media coverage of, I don't want any - I don't care if it's a woman or a man or a dog, I don't want someone to be able to accuse someone of something that is serious and immediately be believed.
No, let's hear everybody out. Let's get the facts. Let's figure it out. It's not fair to either party. And by the way, her legal team is infuriating. They should not be able to set the terms of this hearing. There are rules to be followed, neither she nor Kavanaugh's team should be able to set the rules. You go when you're supposed to go. She can't decide when she is going to speak. She says she wants to speak - she wants him to speak first. How can he speak first? He has to respond to what she's saying. I'm not saying that I don't believe her, I'm saying I don't know and that is okay.
MURDOCH: Yes.
TIMPF: It's been super gross to see so many people on the left use her like a political pawn and a lot of these people are saying, "Well, I believe women. Believe women." But they are the same people who certainly wouldn't believe all the women who accused Bill Clinton of sexual assault, which is way more than this one.
GUTFELD: All right.
MURDOCH: The one hilarious thing of this whole situation was that a senator actually said shut up and step up which is hilarious because we have a Senate who does not do that. So for them, you want to blame it on the bros, where's the bipartisanship? It's amazing.
BILA: And it's a flip honestly. It could be a woman or a man.
GUTFELD: Yes, everybody is unsafe when you remove due process.
BILA: No justice.
GUTFELD: That's why America is different. Speaking of things that have not been confirmed, Bert and Ernie's sexuality. That is next
It's the latest heat to hit Sesame Street. This week, a former Sesame Street writer was asked if Bert and Ernie were gay. Said Mark Saltzman who began writing for the show in '84, quote, "I always felt that without a huge agenda when I was writing Bert and Ernie, they were. I don't think I know how else to write them, but as a loving couple." Meanwhile, Sesame Street released two statements in response. They say Bert and Ernie are just friends and because they are puppets, have no sexual orientation. And Frank Oz, the guy who created Bert in the '60s, says they are not gay.
Okay, so does this settle it? Maybe or maybe we need a second opinion. Please welcome Bert and Ernie's former roommate, we have Clive Parker Hughes who joins us from Helsinki, Finland. All right, Clive, glad you could be here.
CLIVE PARKER HUGHES, FORMER ROOMMATE OF ERNIE AND BERT: Where am I?
GUTFELD: Well, you are on Fox News, Clive.
PARKER HUGHES: Fox News? More like faux news. Get it? Faux news, your faux, I am very clever. Faux news, write that one down. You are welcome.
GUTFELD: Well, we were talking about Sesame Street and since, obviously, you're a puppet I was thinking ...
PARKER HUGHES: I'm the puppet? No, Gary, you are the puppet. A puppet of faux news and their right wing overlords. You are a puppet of Vladimir Putin and the Koch brothers. Let me tell you a story, Gary. I once farted two pounds of glitter at a kid's birthday party and everyone loved it. When have you ever made a difference in someone's life, like that? Faux news, white male puppet. Ribbit, ribbit.
GUTFELD: All right, can we just please stick to the topic?
PARKER HUGHES: Of course. Anything to avoid talking about evil Donald Trump. Yes, he is evil. And you are evil. You are lucky I'm not there in the studio with you, pal, or else I would peel off your face and wear it to a cousin's birthday house party. By the way, do you have any cocaine? I'm starting to come down.
GUTFELD: No, Clive I do not have any cocaine. By the way though, are you naked?
PARKER HUGHES: Yes, it seems I am. I wasn't earlier, I'm not sure how that happened. Anyway, does that offend you that I am okay with my body, that I love the feeling of the air against my naked felt? Listen, you old, white male, I don't live by your rules. I've got a girlfriend and a boyfriend. Two boyfriends. Three boyfriends. I could eat you and crap you out like a furry fax machine. Next question.
GUTFELD: All right. One more time, Clive. You lived with Bert and Ernie in the early years, what was that like?
PARKER HUGHES: [Bleep] those guys. I'm out.
GUTFELD: I knew we should have pre-interviewed him. Tyrus?
MURDOCH: So many things wrong with that. Listen, I grew up Bert and Ernie one of my favorites, a puppet is a puppet. It can't be anything else besides a puppet. So, I mean, I get it. Do you want to get to the real scandal, you talk about Cookie Monster and all of his baby mamas. That's a real scandal. Snuffelopagus drug problem we could talk about that, but they are puppets and they are not - we can't make them heterosexual.
GUTFELD: They don't have genitals.
MURDOCH: They don't. They are puppets.
GUTFELD: They are just felt in a hand of a stranger.
MURDOCH: Okay, we talked about this in the back, Greg, do not encourage him. No hands in the puppets ...
GUTFELD: Rob, is this again like the evidence of like how identity politics just goes everywhere it can go?
LONG: Raging puppet phobia, you have? But before we go, I want to say that was a very funny segment, and who is doing the voice? Is that Lou Dobbs?
GUTFELD: Yes, it was Lou Dobbs.
LONG: It was great. He is just really good. He's really good. You don't think that he could do that, but he can totally do that.
GUTFELD: He is going to be very happy that you outed him.
LONG: Well, listen, I mean, he's a talented man. He's a talented man. He shouldn't just be doing one thing. He's got baskets like me.
GUTFELD: Jed?
BILA: I've got to tell you, I think it's over for us as a society that we are talking about this. We are talking about - they had to come out and say these puppets don't have a sexual orientation and there are people that are sitting there like "oh, okay" like they're processing that. They are actually thinking about this. Well, no, but are they gender fluid? I mean, we are talking about puppets. I am scared for all of us.
GUTFELD: Kat, can't this be one of the TVs great mysteries and leave it at that? No?
TIMPF: A great mystery to me is never someone else's sex life because I really don't give a [bleep]. I mean, seriously, if you're - I don't care about the sex lives or sexual preferences of real human beings. I'm not about ready to care about the sex lives or sexual preferences of beings that are, A, not beings, not real and B, do not exist below the waist.
MURDOCH: And C, do not exist below the waist. Because they are puppets.
GUTFELD: Rob, one of these days, they are going to look at the show and go, how we were anti -puppet and maybe they have ...
(CROSSTALK)
LONG: Who knows? All I know is that on the Reddit, right this minute, there are some really, really, really interesting puppet porn being written. And if there isn't, get to it.
TIMPF: Yes, unfortunately, I'm pretty sure there probably are some puppets with sex lives.
MURDOCH: But that's not the puppet's choice. It's the creepy dude with the puppet.
BILA: What is happening?
MURDOCH: Because it's a puppet.
GUTFELD: Coming up, is your dog jealous over your phone? Probably not, but let's pretend anyway. How adorable.
Give your dog a bone and get off your phone, Kat. Experts say the time you spend looking at your smart phone could be making your dog sad and worse, could even contribute to long-term behavioral issues.
Veterinarian surgeon, Ian Boothe, must be British, tells metro.co.uk - saw that coming. Those sorts of dogs can end up becoming emotionally distant from their owners which is terribly sad. If you've let a relationship get to that level, why on earth did you bother getting the dog in the first place?
Well, I don't have this problem because I'm never on my phone and my dog is in great shape. I think the music really brought that together, Rob. Should we be more worried about the humans we're neglecting?
LONG: I'm worried about what that guy is doing in your house.
GUTFELD: Hey, those are my problems.
LONG: Okay, whatever ...
GUTFELD: And those problems I enjoy solving on my own.
LONG: I don't think - my problem I think is the people who have dogs and phones are always taking pictures of their dog and Instagramming them. I feel like dogs, at a certain point are like, "Hey, man, just the phone away. No more pictures." I think that's what the dog is being irritated by.
GUTFELD: They are very reclusive. Get that iPhone out of my way. Yes. Jed, what do you think dogs think our phones are? I'm always wondering about that.
BILA: My dog has taken a selfie or two, I have to be honest.
GUTFELD: Really?
BILA: She has. She will step on it. I don't know. I think they might think it's another thing they have to compete with. They know it's not another dog, but they are like, "What is that?" Like, if I am on my phone, she will calmly smack me a couple of times like to say, "All right, keep it up." Then she will be spiteful. I found a few naughties on the floor in places they weren't supposed to be. I think they think it's like - maybe it's like not a cat, but it's something and they've got to get it out of the way.
GUTFELD: I have a different meaning for naughties on the floor. It involves rope. Kat, you have a cat.
TIMPF: I sure do, Greg.
GUTFELD: Yes, it doesn't affect cats as much they say, why is that?
TIMPF: It's amazing because with a cat, you can multitask. You see, what I like to do when I have a big weekend coming up, I'm going to do a lot of this, I can lay in my bed with my cat under my chin purring and then playing Candy Crush on my phone. I can be on my phone and he's still down to hang.
This is why I like him so much because my human friends, they don't really stand for that as much.
GUTFELD: No, they don't.
TIMPF: They'll say, "Kat, Kat, why don't you get off your phone because I'm right here. Hey, get off your phone." It's like, "Why don't you try being more interesting than my phone."
GUTFELD: I thought we talked about you not doing that voice anymore.
TIMPF: We never talked about that.
MURDOCH: We should.
GUTFELD: We should. I think we will have a meeting.
TIMPF: Well, as long as you don't invite me to the meeting.
GUTFELD: Tyrus?
MURDOCH: I'll be honest, Greg, this whole show has been difficult for me between the - whatever hell kind of puppet that was and the man toy dog guy and these type of experiments are by one lonely dude whose girlfriend or boyfriend is not talking to them because they're on the phone all the time, so they're pretending the dog is really them because at the end of the day, it's a dog. The dog does not know the difference between your phone or the TV you're watching or the plate of food. He's a dog. He will sit next to you and wait for you.
If you leave, he will be at the door when you come back because he has no concept of time, let alone the damn phone. The dog really don't care but and that little story that you just told is you projecting some weird [bleep] on your dog. Dogs are not spiteful. He went to the bathroom because you forgot to take them out because your ass was on the phone too long. Period.
GUTFELD: I actually think that the dog, from an evolutionary perspective is kind of relieved there is a phone because now they don't have to take so much affection for survival.
MURDOCH: You literally just did the same thing I complained to her about, stop making your dog, you annoying weird people who are actually reflections of the part of yourself you hate. Leave the damn dogs alone.
GUTFELD: All right.
TIMPF: I'm sorry, but my cat has an entire persona.
MURDOCH: Of course he does. Because you guys spend so much time together. Of course, you can leave when you want to.
GUTFELD: Oh my goodness. I didn't think a pet story would bring out this rage.
MURDOCH: I mean, it's puppets and dogs. They're dogs, they're puppets. Damn it.
GUTFELD: Final thoughts, next. All right, we are out of time. Thanks to Rob Long, Jedediah Bila, Kat Timpf, and Tyrus and our studio audience. I'm Greg Gutfled and I love you, America.
END
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