Published April 13, 2016
Poor Uncle Si. The beleaguered Vietnam vet of A&E’s “Duck Dynasty” was feeling neglected by his family, so he decided to draw some attention to himself by accidentally-on-purpose forcing his nephew Willie to bump into the front his truck in the Duck Commander parking lot.
“Hey, are you going to pay for this?” asked Si, pointing to the non-existent damage to his bumper.
Willie looked at dent-free bumper and shrugged. “Pay for what?”
“Look,” declared Si, wagging his finger. “You’re going to pay for this. It’s probably going to run you $3,500.”
After a brief debate, Willie dismissed his uncle and got into his truck. “Yeah, whatever, Si.”
“You’ll be hearing from my lawyer,” warned Si.
The next day, Godwin, Jase, Jep and Martin are inside Duck Commander HQ, debating the potential reproductive capabilities of mermaids. Willie arrived and learned that Si was at the doctor’s office.
“For what,” Willie asked dubiously. “Is he sick?”
“Nah,” said Jase. “After y’all had your wreck.”
Willie’s wife Korie came in the warehouse to announce that there was “a man outside and he said he’s here to deliver Si.”
“What is he, a pizza,” Willie cracked.
The crew went outside to see Si grandly exit out of a minivan and down a motorized ramp in his brand-new, bright blue mobility scooter.
“Si, get off that thing,” said Willie.
“I can’t,” replied Si. “I got back damage–I’ve got residual nerve damage in my back. It compressed two or three vertebra back there–I likely broke my neck.
Willie was not especially convinced of Si’s injuries. “About once a year, Si comes up with some stupid excuse to miss work,” he explained. “Last year, he was on crutches for two weeks before I finally broke down and made him employee of the month.”
Meanwhile, Miss Kay lost her pet turtle, Mr. T–not to be confused with “the old burly dude with the gold chains.”
Immediately, suspicion was cast on Miss Kay’s sweet pooch, Bobo.
“Maybe this little boy here had turtle for breakfast,” said Phil, pointing to Bobo. “See if you got little pieces of Mr. T in the stool of that dog next time he goes out there in the woods.”
“That’s an awful thing to say,” replied Miss Kay, who opened Bobo’s mouth and took a whiff of breath. “Oh goodnight,” she said, waving away the stench.
“Ain’t nothin’ smells worse than a dead turtle.” said Phil, shaking his head. “Ol’ turtle-breath.”
As a gesture of love, Phil offered to go turtle hunting to find Miss Kay a new pet.
“There aren’t many things that can get me up and out of my chair, especially when I’m sharpening my knife,” explained Phil. “And the last thing that I ever thought would get me out of my chair would be a turtle hunt.”
Miss Kay, however, had a sure-fire way to get Phil to fetch her a new turtle.
“If you want some lovin’ tonight, today is the day,” Miss Kay said resolutely.
“So is this one of them no honey on the biscuit maneuvers here?" Phil asked, somewhat helplessly.
“You got it, Jack,” smiled Miss Kay.
While Phil and Miss Kay went off to the river to find the perfect replacement for Mr. T, Si was driving everyone crazy back at the warehouse with his with new scooter. As Si struggled back out of the bathroom on his scooter, his nephews discussed his condition.
“There’s nothing wrong with him. I’ve already talked to the doctor,” Willie explained to Jase. “He made up the whole thing. [It’s] just hemorrhoids.”
“Look, these guys don’t have respect for their elders,” groused Si. “It’s like they don’t realize, hey, they’re gonna get old one day. Guess what happens then, big boy. No one’s goin’ to be helpin’ you in the commode, either.”
Angry, Si drove off and headed down the road on his scooter. Eventually, Willie and the rest of the Duck Commander team caught up with Si, who after a bit of sweet talking–and an offer from Willie to replace his bumper–got into the back of the pickup truck under his own power.
“When it comes to family, you have to learn to read between the lines,” explained Willie. "People don’t always come right out and say what they actually want–especially Si, who can’t even pronounce what he wants. But one thing I’ve learned is that doesn’t matter what they’re asking for. What they really want is to know that you care. Whether you spend your day hunting turtles, or shell out a bunch of money for some stupid bumper, it’s all worth it to show your family you love them.”