Bill Maher fumes over Merrick Garland: ‘Attorney General Barney Fife’ ‘sucks’ at his job

"Real Time" host Bill Maher clobbered Attorney General Merrick Garland for stalling the criminal cases against former President Trump.

"At the top levels of our federal government, giving a guy a job because he got screwed over for another job isn't a good reason to give a guy a job, especially if the job is attorney general, and especially if it's during a time when we need a tough AG to catch a real criminal," 

Maher began his closing monologue on Friday. "Merrick Garland, who is that attorney general I speak of and who SPOILER ALERT: sucks, was you may recall President Obama's pick for the Supreme Court in 2016 after the Clintons murdered Justice Scalia with a pillow. And while our government dysfunction continues to grow, one thing remained sacrosanct. When a Supreme Court justice dies, the president gets to fill the seat… until Mitch McConnell said ‘F--- that. New rule. F--- you.’ Garland never even got a hearing."

"So when Biden got elected, the Democrats said 'Wouldn't it be funny as payback if we gave Garland the attorney general job?' And that's how we got Attorney General Barney Fife," Maher quipped, referring to the iconic Don Knotts character from "The Andy Griffith Show."

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HBO host Bill Maher used his May 3 show to slam Attorney General Merrick Garland for stalling the criminal cases against former President Trump.

The HBO host railed against Democrats, who he said "worry so much about appearing nonpartisan, they get behind someone who lets actual crimes go unpunished." He linked Garland to Special Counsel Robert Mueller, who ultimately did not charge Trump with any crimes in the Russia collusion investigation.

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"But with Mueller as with Garland now, when we needed a pitbull, we got a purse dog." Maher quipped. "It's so interesting. When it comes time for Republicans to appoint a special prosecutor. They always appoint a Republican and when it comes time for Democrats to appoint one, they also appoint a Republican. A Democrat has served as a special prosecutor in a major investigation since Watergate. Somehow the rule became it has to be a Republican or it's unfair, you know, a Dudley Do-Right type."

Maher then took aim at former FBI Director James Comey, who was often compared as being a "Boy Scout" but tore him apart for reopening the Clinton probe just days before the 2016 election while keeping Russiagate a "secret." 

Former Special Counsel Robert Mueller speaks at the Department of Justice in Washington, about the Russia investigation. (AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster, File)

"He was a boy scout all right. He gave me a knot in my stomach," Maher joked. "Trump whines he's the victim of selective prosecution. The truth is he's the beneficiary of selective non-prosecution. Take the case that's going on in New York right now. We call it a hush money trial, but really it's an election interference case. And Trump is clearly complicit in breaking the same laws that Michael Cohen pled guilty to, and served prison time for. So tell me how can the fixer who delivers the hush money be guilty of election interference, but the candidate who orders it pays it conceals it and benefits from it not be? Charles Manson didn't personally go on the killing spree but he went to prison for it! El Chapo didn't have the drugs in his a--!"

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"The problem with this case isn't that Trump isn't guilty, it's that it's being tried in the wrong court. If Garland had done his job, Trump would be in federal court charged with breaking campaign finance laws instead of state court charged with falsifying business records," he continued. 

He went on to Trump's classified documents scandal, which he jokingly referred to as "Crapper's Delight" and how Garlard appointed the Trump-appointed Robert Hur to oversee the probe in Biden's classified documents scandal, which Hur ulimately chose not to prosecute in part because of Biden's "poor memory."

Former Special Counsel Robert Hur said he chose not to indict President Biden in part due to this "poor memory." (Getty Images)

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"With Biden, Garland appointed a special prosecutor instantly. With Trump it took 20 months. 20 months! I know liberals love drag but maybe don't do it with the justice system," Maher joked. "And now with the most serious of the Trump trials, the one involving his illegal schemes to remain in office, it's happening again. 59% of Americans, including 26% of Republicans, say they want to verdict on this case before the election. But it's doubtful they'll get one because for nearly two years, our slow jam attorney genial looked at the statue of Lady Justice and thought ‘I want to be like her: incapable of moving.'"

"Merrick Garland is just so slow he's like if the 405 was a person," Maher said, comparing the AG to the traffic-clogged California highway. "He's the embodiment of the liberal judge and every 70s cop movie, The one who always lets the psychopath out on a technicality and then the psychopath rapes a nursing school and Clint Eastwood has to kill him with a bazooka. At least the optics were good!"

Fox News Digital requested comment from the Department of Justice on Maher's comments about the attorney general.