Published January 13, 2015
You forgot again, didn't you, jerkface? The one day a year you absolutely cannot show up empty-handed and you're Googling all-night drugstores.
You don't have much time left, so here's a bit of advice: A good Valentine's Day gift is a thoughtful gift. Yes, it's the thought that counts, but the gift counts, too. No amount of thoughtfulness will transform a lousy gift into a lovely one.
Don't believe it? Here are 10 half-baked gifts you should never, under any circumstances, give your girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
Enlightened Designs' Nerve Bra doesn't exactly say "Your Body Is a Wonderland." It's more along the lines of "Your Body Is a Disneyland."
With 31 blindingly bright LEDs on each cup, the designers describe this mammary monstrosity as "part bra, part sculpture, part social disturbance."
Perhaps more socially disturbing, however, is the fact that there's enough demand for these electrocutions-waiting-to-happen that another company called Lumigram is hawking a competing line of fiber optic babydoll tops.
Remote-Controlled Wind-Breaking Teddy Bear
"I love you" is not a punch line. Repeat that 10 times out loud and then cancel your PrankPalace.com order for Lil' Stinker.
Make no mistake, a battery-powered flatulent plush toy is pretty darn hilarious. But the pull-my-finger routine didn't make the ladies swoon in third grade, and it's unlikely that they have re-evaluated their stance since then.
Relax, Carrot Top, you're not alone. Countless guys fall victim to the novelty gift trap each year.
Of course, it's not entirely their fault. After all, you can't make it through Feb. 14 without hearing "My Funny Valentine" at least three times, and Playboy keeps telling us that supermodels are really just looking for a guy with a "great sense of humor."
Hate to break it to you, chief, but George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Jude Law weren't named "Sexiest Man Alive" because of their rapier wits.
And the "funny" part of "My Funny Valentine"? It's short for "funny-looking," not "funny-ha-ha" — seriously, read the lyrics.
One of the most absurd — or possibly brilliant — marketing schemes of the 21st century is the advent of "stripperobics." Women's magazines have breathlessly covered the cardio striptease "craze" for the past four years or so. There is about a 99.9 percent chance your girlfriend has heard about this from Cosmo or "Sex and the City" — heck, even Oprah is a fan.
She's into it, you're definitely into it, so why is this a poor choice for Feb. 14?
Before you call in contractors to turn your living room into a mini-strip joint, read the fine print (actually, it's right there in the big print, but you most likely got distracted somewhere between the words "stripper" and "pole").
These things are supposed to be exercise equipment. Take away the sex appeal and you may as well have bought her a StairMaster and told her to lose a few pounds.
And if your girlfriend actually is a stripper, well, that's like giving a plumber a leaky sink.
Oprah reportedly is a fan of the spring-loaded Lil' Minx, which is inexplicably marketed to the amateur erotic dancer on the go, but you may as well go with the Xpose Fitness model, which markets itself as "the cheapest brass pole on the market."
You're not just a pervert, you're a cheapskate, too.
Men might not quite understand why our better halves need entire closets full of footwear, but we can spot a disaster waiting to happen.
Take these thigh-high, high-heel, thermal-padded boots spotted at Century 21, for example. Seriously, dude, it's cold out, but it's not that cold out that she needs to wrap her legs in enough insulation to survive a nuclear winter.
Plus, the last time the Oompa Loompa look was in was back in 2002 — oh, wait, make that never.
Naming a Star After Her
For the low, low price of $19.95, a countless number of Web sites and companies that advertise in the back pages of seedy magazines will "officially register" the name of a star for you and send you a handsome certificate saying as much.
How can they do such an amazing thing for such an amazing price, you ask? Well, they can't — and they don't. The International Astronomical Union is in charge of that sort of thing and they can't be bought off.
Don't think you will skate by with the old it's-the-thought-that-counts maneuver, either. In the end, your gift is a very fancy piece of paper, a very fancy piece of paper with no redeemable cash value.
A Knockoff Handbag
Here's a great way to get her to contemplate cutting the brake lines on your car: Buy her a knockoff handbag.
Watch her beautiful eyes light up with passion when she sees that coveted Chanel or Louis Vuitton. Remember that moment, because the second she spots that sweatshop stitching, those baby blues will be filled with the kind of rage the Greeks wrote plays about (not to spoil the endings, but everyone with a Y-chromosome dies at the end).
Don't push your luck by trying to slip her one of those fancy she-will-never-know-the-difference replicas, either. The minute one of her fashionista girlfriends breaks the news to her ... well, maybe your wardrobe looks snappy with a neck brace.
It's cute, it's pink and it can bring a 300-pound pro football player to his knees in less than 2 seconds.
So, do you really want someone packing 20,000 volts in her purse the day she finds all those racy text messages from her college roommate on your mobile phone?
Hope you run fast, because this baby can fry your cheating keister from 15 feet away.
A Four-Course Meal at White Castle
Once a year, the late-night fast-food restaurant of choice for stoners breaks out the tablecloths for a candlelit dinner. Reservations required.
A sensible woman would dump you on the spot for suggesting you toast your love over a sack of square burgers and soggy fries.
But, hey, your girlfriend is hip, she's trendy and maybe she's even been known to knock back a couple steam-grilled Slyders from time to time. Unfortunately, you're still an unoriginal doofus.
You can only hope that she mistakes that feeling in the pit of her stomach for love.
Chocolate Gone Wrong
Remember: Nothing says "I forgot" like a box of drugstore chocolates. Valentine's Day is the time to spring for a truffle or two.
A Wedding Ring
Now, this one's a bit of a sleeper. While popping the question on the most romantic day of the year seems like good idea on the surface, you're just setting yourself up for trouble down the road.
The day you forget Valentine's Day and your anniversary — and you will — is the day you will forever be transformed from Don Juan DeMarco to Don Juan DeHomeless.
If you insist on this foolishness, give her one of these car tire-inspired rings to immortalize your love. You will be glad you have two-months salary later on.