Published October 26, 2015
How awesome would it be if you could walk through the door after work, shed the stress of your day, and immediately launch into some quality bonding time with your mate?
Well, this isn't the set of The Brady Bunch, people. Research shows that the hour after you get home from your job is a dicey time for couples—it's often marked by moodiness and bickering, especially nowadays with job satisfaction levels at record lows. Throw in a hectic commute, a growling stomach, and a few buzzing gadgets reminding you of tomorrow's to-do list, and the phrase "Honey, I'm home" seems more like a warning sign than a warm greeting.
"I call it the adult tantrum hour," says couples mediator Laurie Puhn, author of Fight Less, Love More. "We've been holding our tongues all day, so coming home means you can let loose with—or lash out at—your partner."
The flip side: Learning to navigate that after-work hour together can help you build a stronger union. In fact, couples who deal with stress together are happier in their relationships than couples who don't handle the daily grind as a pair, according to a study in the Journal of Family Psychology. (Just like you and your partner, some foods are better when paired together. Try these 9 Health-Boosting Superfood Combos.)
Follow these three steps to ensure smoother sailing until lights-out.
First 20 Minutes: De-stress, Alone
As soon as you put your key in the door, find a way to rid yourself of office worries. Taking the time to unwind could be the most important thing you do for your relationship: "Studies show that, under normal conditions, if your partner does something negative or insensitive, like snap at you, you tend to give him the benefit of the doubt," says Lisa Neff, an assistant professor in the department of human development and family science at the University of Texas at Austin. "But that feeling fades when you're stressed. People make mountains out of molehills, which can lead to bigger arguments."
Taking a mental load off may be as simple as putting the BlackBerry out of reach and scoring some solo time with a glass of wine, a book, or even just a long, hot shower. This will help you transition from the role of stressed employee to that of supportive partner.
"It's a myth that only men need their 'man cave,'" says Puhn. "Women also need time and space to decompress and be alone." Tell your partner you need 15 minutes to change your clothes and take off your makeup before fixing dinner, walking the dog, or dealing with housework, advises Puhn. "Then stick to that time limit—no disappearing without explanation, no stealing away for hours," she says. And if you come home before he does, give him the same space when he walks through the door. (Want to squeeze in a quick workout before he gets home? Try this 15-Minute Lower-Body Routine.)
Second 20 Minutes: Whine Wisely
Permission to bitch granted. "Often, for women, talking about the details of their problem is not only a release from the tension of the day but also a way of bonding with their partner," says communications consultant Audrey Nelson, co-author of Code Switching: How to Talk So Men Will Listen. "If done correctly, it's an essential part of a healthy relationship."
But there's a fine line between sharing your feelings and dumping on your guy. "You need to give your partner some power to call you out," says Puhn, who suggests starting off a venting session by saying, "I've had a really crappy day and I need to talk about it, but tell me if I go overboard." Also, says Nelson, "Be sure to keep things big picture, rather than getting into the nitty-gritty details. It mirrors how men communicate, so he'll be more apt to pay attention, and it will help you keep your complaints in perspective."
If you just can't resist divulging the deets, try the inverted-pyramid style of conversation, says Nelson. Begin with the most interesting info—the end result (for example, "My boss postponed my performance review for the second time")—and then flesh out your story. That way, even if he tunes out at some point, he'll get the gist, and you'll get it off your chest.
Last 20 Minutes: Show Your Support
Yes, the latest episode of The Good Wife is loaded on your DVR, but resist the urge to tune in and tune out once your guy starts talking about his PowerPoint presentation gone awry... or the fact that his three-on-three basketball league is getting more expensive or the message from his mom asking what time you'll do Sunday dinner.
"Guys are known for their slow disclosures, so it may take him a while to open up after a tough day at work," says Nelson. "But when he does, listen to him in the same way you want him to listen when you speak—sympathetically and without offering quick-fix ideas that can feel patronizing."
If hearing him drone on about his troubles seems a little too tedious, know that there's something in it for both of you: Couples who help each other cope with daily stress have more sex and even orgasm more frequently, found a study reported in the Journal of Family Psychology. Now that's ending the day on a high note.
Two more crucial times:
First thing in the morning
Bad breath, be damned—the wee hours are ideal face time. "My research has shown that couples who simply say good morning to each other are happier together," says couples mediator Puhn. Or try a little less conversation, a little more action: Guys are hardwired for morning wood, so rise-and-shine sex can set the tone for a red-letter day for both of you. (More reasons why you should have sex in the morning.
When wives took longer to fall asleep at night, they felt more negative about their marriages the next day—and so did their husbands. (Husbands' sleep patterns, however, did not affect the couples' contentment.) Experts say spending time with your spouse helps you power down, so schedule some pillow talk right before bed to prep you for sleep and catch up with your honey.
This content originally appeared as "Happier Relationships: Avoid Arguments After Work" on Women's Health.