Gutfeld: Why 2017 was good and 2018 could be better
But looking ahead, let's not fudge what’s left behind; it's not as bad as they want you to believe and it could be even better now.
This is a rush transcript from "The Five," January 2, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: I'm Greg Gutfeld with Kimberly Guilfoyle who just threatened me.
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: I did, actually.
GUTFELD: She just threatened me. Richard Fowler, Jesse Watters, and her iPhone is her full-length mirror, Dana Perino. "The Five."
GUILFOYLE: Love it.
GUTFELD: All weekend, the media take on 2017. Thank God it's over. So much chaos, so much fear. No wonder CNN hit the bomb like a babbling deadhead. Fake news will do that to you.
But how much of this feeling is actually warranted?
Sure, 2017 was bad for ISIS.
GUILFOYLE: Yeah.
GUTFELD: . which means good for us.
2017 was bad for North Korea who faced new pressure from old pals. That's good for us.
2017 was bad for pessimists as consumer confidence returned. That's good for us.
2017 was bad for our other global rivals as we've renewed emphasis on national security. That's good for us.
2017 was bad -- bad for the media, under fire over bias and undermine by Twitter because you are keeping them on their toes. Good for you.
2017 was bad for colleges all plagued by social justice tyranny. But as the web continued to offer free curriculum to everyone cracking the monopoly of academia, that's good for you. Colleges are dead.
2017 was bad for countries get getting rich off our energy needs, but that's good for us Frackers.
2017 was bad for despair as poverty declined and health improved.
2017 was bad for Harvey Weinstein, which is good for everyone else.
2017 upset the irritating from Kathy Griffin to Chelsea Handler. That has to be good for us.
Now, of course, there were awful events and unspeakable tragedies from hurricanes to shootings. These events never truly leave us. They appear every year and they'll do so in 2018, sadly.
But looking ahead, let's not fudge what's been left behind. It's not as bad as they want you to believe, and it could be even better now, or worse. Who knows. Keep your chin up.
GUILFOYLE: Love it.
GUTFELD: All right. Jesse that was a look back because we know history will see this differently than the media did. Looking forward, what is your feeling, Mr. Purple tie?
JESSE WATTERS, CO-HOST: It's not purple. It's magenta.
(CROSSTALK)
WATTERS: I also like the way you said Frackers. I never heard that one.
GUTFELD: Frackers?
WATTERS: Yes. I think Trump has a very clear vision of about what he wants to accomplish and he needs help from the legislature. He did all he could executively this past year, and the two big wins at the end came through help from the legislature. Infrastructure is what he wants and, naturally, real estate tycoon and developer, he's going to obviously take a huge interest in it. It's not going to be like the Obama stimulus plan where it was a trillion dollars for shovel ready projects that were never shovel ready. Trump has always been known as someone that's going to do things on time and under budget.
So, the asset here for him as he gets to leave the White House and campaign for these things in swing districts. And the pitch is going to be dumb politicians have wasted trillions in the sandbox in the Middle East with nothing to show for it. Let's rebuild this country. And it also woos blue-collar and middle-class voters. He already cut their taxes. Now he's going to spend money. And he's forcing the Democrats to say are you going to vote with Crying Chuck and Nancy or are you going to vote in the interest of your people. And the same thing with immigration that's split the Democratic Party too, because they have on the one hand middle-class people whose wages go down through open borders, and I think a lot of union people also want the wall built. But then you have very loud Hispanic activists that are going to donate a lot of money and they're probably going to tie themselves to bulldozers on the borders to stop the wall.
But the Republicans are on the box too, because on the one hand they want to end chain migration and the lottery system, but because of big business or ideology that some of them aren't crazy about the wall and some of them do or don't want to protect dreamers, but Trump has the Trump card because he has the leverage and can delay the deferment over the dreamer deal for six months and pull the rug out. So, I guess the wild card is either Mueller or crazy weather or some foreign affairs crisis. But I think 2018 is going to be pretty good.
RICHARD FOWLER, GUEST CO-HOST: Wow. I'm checking to see if you have a fever from being out in Times Square for that.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: Richard, he did speak a good point that, like, this president is shovel-ready, but he's using the shovel to bash everybody he can't stand. And it's kind of refreshing.
FOWLER: Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I feel the same way. I mean, I think that -- it sounds good. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, you have real problems. So, in the states that Trump won -- so, yes, it is true, like the national employment -- so Trump won in Ohio, Trump won Indiana, and Trump with Michigan, and those three states, actually, the unemployment numbers are actually up, right? And Trump hasn't anything to solve the fears of those individuals. And factories aren't being built there. Jobs aren't going back there, right? And he hasn't found a way to fix that. So, maybe this.
WATTERS: Up from when?
FOWLER: I mean, from 2017, unemployment rate went up -- the unemployment rate went up, and the unemployment numbers have gone up in those places. So there's less jobs.
WATTERS: OK.
FOWLER: Michigan, less jobs. Indiana, less jobs. Ohio -- look, just check the.
WATTERS: I will.
FOWLER: . fewer jobs.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: I'm going to have to cut you off for that mistake.
FOWLER: You can check my grammar.
(CROSSTALK)
FOWLER: You can check my grammar, but the fact stills remain there're fewer jobs in these places. And Trump said that he was going to bring jobs and he's going to make America great again for those individuals, but that's not the fact for them. And so, what he's going to have to get it done for these individuals and he's going to have some stumbling blocks. The number one stumbling block is he's going to deal with three -- he's going to have three senators he's going to need to get infrastructure done. They're all three deficit hawks, right? McCain, Flake -- and from Tennessee.
GUTFELD: I love it when people do three things.
FOWLER: Corker.
GUTFELD: Oh, there you go.
FOWLER: And he's going to need them and he doesn't have them. And on top of the fact that this tax bill adds $1.5 trillion to the deficit. Any infrastructure bill that passes is going to add more to the deficit, and he's going to have a problem getting these three Republicans to vote with him on top of the fact that he can't woo Democrats.
GUTFELD: I love it when liberals start talking about debt. You know that's amazing. Anyway, Kimberly. FOWLER: Republicans used to talk about that, and all of a sudden.
GUTFELD: We learned from you. We learned that that doesn't matter. Kimberly, Richard brought up infrastructure. I believe we have sound on tape of Sarah Sanders. Do you want me to play it?
GUILFOYLE: Please.
GUTFELD: Say please.
GUILFOYLE: Pretty please.
GUTFELD: OK.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNINDENTIFIED MALE: Infrastructure, welfare reform, border security, which of these is the primary focus in the early stages of 2018?
SARAH SANDERS, WHITE HOUSEPRESS SECRETARY: The president was elected because of his ambitious agenda and his desire to get a lot of things done. The things that you listed are certainly is going to be big part worries for us in 2018. A lot of the meetings that the president has this week with leadership will help determine what the best strategy is on each of those individual areas, but those are certainly welfare reform, infrastructure, responsible immigration reform and health care will all be top priorities for the administration this year.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Those are big priorities.
GUILFOYLE: Big priorities and ambitious, you know, objectives that he's trying to accomplish. But this is what he promised, OK. It's supposed to be a transformative candidate and president and make sure that things actually got done. The drain the swamp in D.C. And these have been issues that have been so intractable and a lot of difficulty trying to build consensus in the past. But I think, you know, fresh off this tax reform win and being able to work cooperatively with the legislature that he feels very, you know, I guess positive about it.
(INAUDIBLE)
GUILFOYLE: No, I think that he should, because everybody knows that we need changes in these areas, OK. Everybody has been trying for so long to do something about immigration. It's one of the biggest things that he campaigned on. And now, I think there's going to be strength in going forward by strong economy and job numbers and the GDP. He's going to be able to do this. The tax reform is going to help with the -- you know, pushing those results forward. Immigration, I think, is going to be one of the tough ones. I think health care is actually a lot more doable now that what happened with tax reform and the mandate.
GUTFELD: Dana, I want you take it all home. Do you read the (INAUDIBLE).
DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: No, I saw the headline though.
GUTFELD: It was the great experiment. Talking about how we're going from the most progressive president in history to surprise, probably the most conservative president since Reagan, which proved me wrong. Remember I didn't have any idea what Trump believed.
PERINO: Well, I think it's one of the reasons I think people were saying goodbye to 2017 was not necessarily that it was bad for all the reasons that you pointed out in the monologue, but it was exhausting.
GUTFELD: Right.
PERINO: And it was different and it was new. And so, President Trump is disruptive and it took about a year for people to get used to it. And now you see tweets and you're like whatever. I mean, sometimes they're newsworthy and other times it's like I'm not going to let this bother me. It's not going to run my day. I also think that he was -- every president is dealt a certain hand and it depends on how you play it. He was dealt a pretty good hand on the economy but he played it very well to his advantage.
GUILFOYLE: Yeah.
PERINO: And so then, like that -- and those things cycle, but the economy is in a really good place right now. And that's why I think one of the things they're doing tomorrow is they're having a get together because I have to figure out a spending bill, all these things they have to do before January 19th, if they can actually get that done. And he has a clean slate for the state of the union on January 30th. You always want to say that the president has a very ambitious agenda. The second year of legislating is always more difficult than the first, but they had a pretty good end of the year. And he's much more conservative that he campaigned. And people like Republicans who are like, I don't know (INAUDIBLE). We're going to talk about Iran next. And all neo-conservatives were like, oh, yeah, we like that.
GUTFELD: I'm saying that I am wrong, Jesse. I would sit there and I go like, I don't believe anything because of the protectionism. I just didn't believe he was going to become this kind of conservative type of a leader, and I just think it's kind of like how he started. We have such skepticism. So far.
PERINO: Can I answer that before the break. I feel like he's surrounded himself like really good people who are persuasive in their arguments. So for example, you've heard about the debate at the White House about the Paris Accords, and there was a certain group at the White House that said you should really stay in the Paris Accord because in effect it doesn't really matter and it is better for you diplomatically. But it was Scott Pruitt, the EPA administrator who came in and was like -- here's the five reasons that we should actually get out and laid it out and he was persuasive and he listened to him. I think that is true in several of these other issues that he has surrounded himself with good people that are persuasive, and it turns out that they actually end up being more of the type of conservative establishment Republicans will be used to. So then, people are calmer.
(CROSSTALK)
PERINO: I took over for Jesse.
WATTERS: It's OK. I'll see it to Richard, so I could blow it out of the water.
(LAUGHTER)
(CROSSTALK)
PERINO: I like your strategy.
GUTFELD: Blow it out of the water.
FOWLER: So this paint the question, right? So I think this idea of us pulling out of the Paris accords speak to the fact that it sort of changes are what used to be the American way of doing things, our foreign policy norms. And I think that creates a larger problem for us. A recent poll in Germany came out that says that Germans actually trust the Russians. They found the Russians more credible than they find the United States.
GUTFELD: Why should we care.
(CROSSTALK)
FOWLER: No, we actually should care about what the Germans think.
GUTFELD: I care about what Americans think.
GUILFOYLE: This is worse than a Juan Williams poll.
(CROSSTALK)
FOWLER: Because we need the Germans to back us on sanctions.
(CROSSTALK)
FOWLER: We need the Germans to back us on sanctions. We need the Germans to back us on joint military operations.
PERINO: And they will.
FOWLER: They'll probably need the Germans to back us on Iran. We don't have credibility in Europe which is supposed to be our number one -- when it comes to contents -- our contents where the number one allies. We need the Germans. We need NATO. And when we lose that normalcy that's a problem.
WATTERS: Listen, no one is going anywhere without the United States paying for NATO, and now they're paying up their fair share. And I think U.N. Security Council just slapped a few sanctions, 15 to nothing, on North Korea. And I think there's a few European countries there.
FOWLER: I think we're spending our goodwill a lot faster than we have it. But, hey.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: ISIS is a terrible deal with Iran. We're going to talk about it in the next block, Kimberly. Would you like to button up this segment with something very smart or complimentary about me?
GUILFOYLE: No. Coming up, deadly protest erupts on the streets of Iran, and President Trump fires off a tweet about it next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
PERINO: The world is keeping an eye on the deadly protests that have broken out across Iran. Demonstrators have taken to the streets for six days now against the government. They are seeking freedom, unhappy about rising prices, worsening living conditions and corruption among other things. President Trump says, the people of Iran are finally acting against the brutal and corrupt Iranian regime. All of the money that President Obama so foolishly gave them went into terrorism and into their pockets. The people have little food, big inflation and no human rights. The U.S. is watching. Ayatollah Khamenei today blamed the protests on enemies of Iran. The White House defended its public support for demonstrators earlier today.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SANDERS: Ultimate end game would be that the citizens and the people of Iran are actually given basic human rights and he'd certainly like to see them stop being a state sponsor of terror. Even Hillary Clinton outlined this when she said that the Obama administration was too restrained at the 2009 protests and said that won't happen again. And for once, she's right and we agree with her because President Trump is not going to sit by silently like President Obama did, and he certainly supports the Iranian people and wants to make that clear.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PERINO: So, one of the things, Greg, when he talked about little food, it's not necessarily there's a food shortage, but something like eggs is up 50 percent. And so, these are real concerns. They started off as small for this but they've grown all across the country. Now you have -- at least 12 people have been killed and a couple hundred are in jail. And (INAUDIBLE) from Commentary Magazine said at the very least, they'll definitely have to face torture.
GUTFELD: I applaud what this administration is doing, which is exactly the opposite of what the Obama administration did. You know it's interesting now saying Obama flasks rushing out not to defend the Iranian protesters, but saying we mustn't do anything because they're protecting their failed boss. They're more interested in Obama's false legacy than the actual victims and the brave people out there. This also illustrates the disgusting deception of Sharia apologists like Linda Sarsour, who was lauded by Team Vogue who claims that wearing hijab is some kind of feminist choice when it's by force. The silence American feminists in America, should say it's kind of redundant, should be stewing in their own shame for not saying anything about this, for remaining silent, for basically saying that American impression and Iranian impression is the same thing. Me Too should be called them too, and they should be supporting those women over there. If you want to look at pictures before the revolution, the essence of modernity among women, it was there. Now, these are women dressing as black ghosts by force. And if you're a feminist and you're talking about the injustice and patriarchy of America and you're not out there defending these women, you're an idiot.
PERINO: Nikki Haley, the ambassador to the U.N., Kimberly, she said that the United States is calling for an emergency session of the United Nations. I think that the goal of that is to get those other nations on the record, as what Greg was just saying, is that are you going to be for freedom or not.
GUILFOYLE: Yeah. Call them out on the carpet. The policies and what he had done in the past have not worked. What we've seen now and taking a stronger stab, putting people on the record, making them state, declaratively, affirmatively, whether or not they support it, I think it's actually working well if you've seen in recent weeks. And people have been critical of President Trump and his strategy here as it relates to Iran and cutting off some funding, but when you think about it, look directly, follow the money in terms of where those funds were going. They weren't going to help the lives of the Iranian people, and the economy, and for specific cost of living expenses. So much of the money was being funneled to support terrorist groups like Hamas, like Hezbollah.
PERINO: Yeah, outside of their country.
GUILFOYLE: Outside of their country. Yes, in Afghanistan, et cetera. So that is going directly against the U.S. and the international national security interests. So when you look at it, I think that he knows what he's doing, and Nikki Haley strongly supports that. I think it's working in accord with him in a very meaningful way and very forcefully because she actually sees it working and she's there and so hands-on that she knows what needs to be done. And they're actually for the first time listening to the people that know foreign policy and national security and what needs to be implemented because no longer does the United States want to be the laughingstock pinata of the international community and just tossing money at terrorist regimes.
PERINO: OK. So my strategy is to let Richard go and for you to back clean up.
WATTERS: Sure.
PERINO: Is that good?
FOWLER: I just want to correct the president's tweet.
(CROSSTALK)
PERINO: There is no edit button on twitter, unfortunately.
FOWLER: Well, there should be because he's the president of the United States and he should be saying facts. So, the money that was in the Iran deal is actually money that we held, it was frozen.
PERINO: Not because of what they did to us.
FOWLER: Right, because of what they did. And as part of the deal we gave them back money that was actually theirs that we froze. It wasn't like we handed them a check that here's money.
WATTERS: We didn't have to do it.
FOWLER: Yeah. But it was their money and we give it back to them.
(CROSSTALK)
FOWLER: The impression the president made was we gave them American dollars, like we gave our tax dollars. We actually gave them back their money with the interest that they gained on it.
PERINO: OK, fine. You're running out of time.
GUTFELD: Most of that money could have done in Chicago.
FOWLER: But it's not our money, it's their money. And it should have.
(CROSSTALK)
WATTERS: When you seize assets from corrupt people.
FOWLER: I am getting ready to say I think that money should have went to developing the country of Iran, I think the president was right for standing with the people, and I think he made the correction that Obama didn't do enough with the Iranian people. Trump did it right this time around. But I think to say that we just foolishly gave them the money, I think the Iranian government should use that money to invest in its people.
(CROSSTALK)
PERINO: But the Obama team would say, Jesse, that one of the reasons they required was because the intel that they had is that the crackdown against the people was going to be so much worse if the protests continued that they thought it was better that they not say anything. I'm just saying that's what they would say.
WATTERS: Right. So, it's a humanitarian mission to not say anything, right. OK.
PERINO: Benign neglect.
WATTERS: Right. I mean, when Susan Rice comes out and says that we should remain quiet, she has no credibility. I mean, during the Arab spring, what do they do? They encourage the overthrow of our ally in Egypt. They led an overthrow of Gaddafi, and then sat back and watch the state failed. President Trump came out very strong. I think I remember when protest erupts -- I think it was about a rigged election and there was riot there. President Obama said he was troubled and that was it. And he said he didn't want to really go in hard because he didn't want to meddle in another country's affairs.
FOWLER: But Jesse, you just condemned the president -- you could just condemn Obama for meddling in the Egyptian affairs and that's why he didn't -- I mean.
(CROSSTALK)
FOWLER: I think you're neglecting the fact that any time.
WATTERS: We don't want to go in there and overthrow and had to be a mess.
(CROSSTALK)
PERINO: Nobody can hear either of you.
FOWLER: Any time the United States federal government intervenes in the domestic situation, it's complicated. When the United States intervened in Egypt, it was complicated. When they intervene in Tunisia, it's complicated.
PERINO: Last word.
WATTERS: At the same time whenever you have a corrupt regime that's dealing in illicit trade with the North Koreans, it's funding Hamas and Hezbollah and it's killing Americans with technology they have in Iraq. You want to make sure that regime is isolated. You want to cut off any credibility that regime has, and you want to isolate them from the international community. That's what President Trump has done and it's more than what President Obama did.
PERINO: And we'll see what the United Nation does.
GUTFELD: The paralysis of analysis that's everything that Richard just talked about with Obama. This is very complex. That has always been the problem, the paralysis -- they sit there and analyze and analyze and analyze and people die.
PERINO: There will always be people that will argue.
GUTFELD: Yes. But at some point somebody has go on a go, we're going to destroy ISIS.
(CROSSTALK)
PERINO: We have to go.
(CROSSTALK)
WATTERS: And ISIS took over a third of the country.
(CROSSTALK)
PERINO: President Trump putting new pressure on his Justice Department to act on new revelations on, you guess it, the Clinton email mess, next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUILFOYLE: On Friday, right before the holiday weekend, the state department dumped another batch of emails related to the Clinton investigation. Huma Abedin's account found on her husband's, Anthony Wiener's, laptop, some of those emails were classified. And not only that, Hillary's top aide also reportedly forwarded state department passwords to her personal yahoo account before yahoo was hacked by foreign agents. President Trump suggests she should be locked up and called out his justice department in a new tweet, quote, crooked Hillary Clinton's top aid, Huma Abedin, has been accused of disregarding basic security protocols. She put classified passwords into the hands of foreign agents. Remember, sailors' pictures on submarine? Jail. Deep state justice department must finally act, also on Comey and others. Dana.
PERINO: I was just thinking that 140 characters was perfection for him, because it had a rhythm and I -- I miss it. Self-imposed on 140 characters. Here's the thing, when I got a top-secret clearance you sign, you swear, you do all of these things. The reckless judgment that was exercised here is incredible to me. And I agree -- remember the one guy that got in touch with you, the lawyer for the soldier, marine who.
GUTFELD: Yeah.
PERINO: That's actually real. And I can understand the frustration. I do think that there is some concern about, you know, what goes around comes around, and there are norms and you don't necessarily want people reaching back into your previous administration in the future. I think that there's probably something to think about. The problem with me and the Clintons has always been that feeling that they are above the law. That's why they could get away with these things over and over again. And that transfers down to staff, right? It comes from the top. And I don't know what will necessarily happen here, but there are laws for a reason. And that's why people that are in government and have top-secret clearances, whether they're in the military or intelligence -- that's why you have to enforce the laws equally.
GUILFOYLE: You're absolutely right. So also, and when you just think about one of your favorite subjects, right, to talk about.
GUTFELD: Oh, Weiner.
GUILFOYLE: Weiner.
GUTFELD: Yes. Anthony Weiner, I might add.
WATTERS: Thanks for clearing that up.
GUTFELD: Yes. The interesting thing about Donald Trump is if he didn't pursue this, then he would be like any other politician who was only interested in this for the election. The fact that he's still gnawing on this bone shows that he's actually -- he's not like any normal politician. I do think this is small potatoes.
GUILFOYLE: What a novel talking point. I didn't expect you to say that.
GUTFELD: Well, you know, I say a lot of interesting things now and again.
But this is small potatoes. It's a side dish on every Trump plate. You know, where the media focuses on that and then he just eats the meat, you know. And the tweet is low effort for max reward. He just sends these tweets out and the chuckling dentures go up.
The thing is, I feel about -- I feel kind of bad about Huma. My heart says this woman has suffered relentless humiliation.
PERINO: Yes.
GUTFELD: But then my head says, well, she could have bailed at any time. I mean...
PERINO: Also, she didn't have to stand classified emails to her Yahoo! account. It's not hard.
GUTFELD: I mean, she stayed for the power. She put up with -- oh, never mind.
GUILFOYLE: Very bad judgment. Yes, but also in trusting Anthony Weiner of all people. It's like unbelievable, you know, conscious disregard for a known risk of a total psycho that's a loose cannon and reckless. And you just see sort of this pattern of conduct within that Clinton, you know, inner core. And that's why these things are coming out.
And by the way, yes, he's not campaigning any more, but these things mattered before he was president, and they should still matter now. It's a gross violation.
GUTFELD: What is Weiner -- what is Weiner up to now? Has anybody heard from him?
GUILFOYLE: Jail.
GUTFELD: Yes, but I mean, hasn't anyone written to him? Has anybody got a letter?
WATTERS: We're pen pals.
GUILFOYLE: I got a direct message. Kidding.
GUTFELD: He's probably watching "The Five." They get it there.
WATTERS: So -- so Hillary and Huma and Podesta were all hacked and gave up the goods to our enemies, and Trump's being investigated. Just wanted to make sure we had that right.
I understand what he's doing by going after the deep state. And you know, there's people like Sally Yates. Remember? She came up as the deputy and thought it was her role to not follow the law and what the commander in chief wanted, and she was hailed by the left.
There's a lot of little Sally Yateses still sprinkled across the administration, whether it's the FBI...
PERINO: I think that's so unfair.
WATTERS: ... whether it's the DOJ. These people are bureaucratic people. They have partisan agendas. Look at Peter Strzok. He was in a very powerful position. He was a big Trump hater, can do a lot of damage with that type of power.
But when Trump says, you know, "The deep state, the DOJ, you know, they're out to get me," it creates this perception, among people that read Twitter and that follow the news, that he's been unfairly attacked from within his own administration; and it rallies the base to say, "Hey, we've got to support this guy. He's taking it from the left. He's taking it from the right. He's taking it from within the White House, within the administration." And it creates a bond between the president and his supporters.
FOWLER: So the 33 percent? Those -- that small base? Just checking.
WATTERS: The base walloped your base last time. I'd be careful.
FOWLER: No, I'm just checking if it's that small 33 percent.
WATERS: Yes. And I think if Hillary ran again, she'd still lose.
FOWLER: First, I think, Greg, we should ban a word in 2018 for Jesse. It should be "Hillary Clinton." Because you guys beat her.
GUTFELD: I banned it, but she keeps coming back.
FOWLER: No, no, no. She doesn't keep coming back. Trump keeps bringing her back.
GUILFOYLE: No. She's around.
GUTFELD: Simplex one and two.
FOWLER: Listen, this is the first day of -- this is the first two days of 2018.
PERINO: Of all the things he said, that's what you're going going to argue about?
FOWLER: No, I'm going to argue about a lot else, but I'm just going to say we should ban "Hillary Clinton."
Additionally, there's 100,000 people working at the Department of Justice.
WATTERS: Yes.
FOWLER: And to say that they are the deep state is absurd and ridiculous. These individuals go to work every day, and they work really hard to bring criminals and bad people to justice. And the fact that the president would condemn his own Justice Department, who all work for him. When they show up to work, they see his picture in the lobby, and they work for him. And for him to bash his own Justice Department is absurd and absolutely preposterous and ridiculous. And the fact that you're cosigning it makes you preposterous and ridiculous.
WATTERS: You think I'm preposterous? I'll take that as a compliment.
FOWLER: Well, you shouldn't. But go ahead. Why not?
GUILFOYLE: All right, boys.
OK. "The Fastest Seven," New Year's edition coming right up. And what was Kathy Griffin doing with Jesse in Times Square? It's quite a story.
WATTERS: Oh, my God.
GUILFOYLE: Next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
WATTERS: Welcome back. Time for...
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GRAPHIC: Fastest 7
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: "The Fastest 7 Minutes On Television," a New Year's Eve in review edition. Three stories, seven minutes. Let's go.
First up, I had the incredible honor of cohosting the all-American New Year's special right here on FNC Sunday night. Things went smoothly until Kathy Griffin showed up.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: Kathy, why are you here anyway?
KENNEDY (WEARING RED WIG): I'm a fixture in Times Square. Nothing's going to keep me from this hassle.
WATTERS: I thought you were fired. Weren't you fired?
KENNEDY: I was just trying to get ahead. I've got a lot of funny jokes. Do you want to hear some?
WATTERS: Yes, why not?
KENNEDY: OK. Why did the chicken cross the road?
WATTERS: Why, Kathy?
KENNEDY: Because Anderson Cooper kicked it off the New Year's Eve show.
WATTERS: OK.
KENNEDY: Do you want another one?
WATTERS: Sure.
KENNEDY: Knock knock.
WATTERS: Who's there?
KENNEDY: Anderson Cooper.
WATTERS: Anderson Cooper who?
KENNEDY: Exactly. You're dead to me.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: Did she do well, Gutfeld?
GUTFELD: That's the first time Kathy Griffin has ever made me laugh. So yes.
Kathy is another casualty of the -- like, the emotional person broken -- broken by last year. And Kennedy did a fantastic job.
WATTERS: She did a very nice job.
GUTFELD: You guys did a great job. That was amazing that you guys did that in that weather.
WATTERS: Yes. I am -- I'm the true hero.
GUTFELD: You are.
PERINO: How long did it take you to warm up afterwards?
WATTERS: It took me a couple hours to thaw. But I had a few drinks, so that went quickly.
PERINO: That helped.
GUTFELD: You weren't drinking there.
WATTERS: No, I would never do that. And I liked your little bit that you had. One of your New Year's resolutions was to be more patient with Jesse Watters.
PERINO: Yes. That's one I think I cannot keep.
WATTERS: It lasted one show.
PERINO: No, no, I'm very, very patient. I thought it was -- I thought it was impressive that you guys are out there that long.
WATTERS: Thank you. And Richard was out there even longer than I was.
PERINO: That's true. You were great.
FOWLER: We got out there at seven. It was a really good show. We talked about alcohol, though. We talked about whiskey. We were handing out footballs. Fox News footballs.
PERINO: Nice.
FOWLER: Collectible items.
WATTERS: You Hannitized people.
FOWLER: Yes.
GUTFELD: Hannitized.
Did you use the bathroom at all, Richard?
FOWLER: No, I did not use the bathroom. I had -- I was wearing -- I was wearing Depends.
PERINO: Don't say that.
FOWLER: I'm joking. I'm joking.
GUTFELD: They are our sponsor.
FOWLER: I'm joking.
GUTFELD: They are our sponsor.
FOWLER: I'm joking.
WATTERS: Kimberly, you picked the best year...
FOWLER: Not to do it.
WATTERS: ... to skip.
GUILFOYLE: I am the smart one.
WATTERS: Perfect timing.
GUILFOYLE: This is true.
PERINO: She's retired.
GUILFOYLE: Yes, retired. Dana Perino officially retired me, which is very good. But to be honest, I would've loved to be there with you guys.
WATTERS: Yes.
GUILFOYLE: And saying no was very difficult. Not.
FOWLER: And it was 14 degrees, and it was negative one, felt like.
GUILFOYLE: You guys did a great job.
WATTERS: Thank you very much.
GUILFOYLE: Very funny. Kennedy did an awesome job, and I loved the Kathy Griffin thing.
PERINO: I like how she handled the lady with the predictions.
WATTERS: That was good.
All right. CNN had a different kind of sideshow without Griffin this year. This is for real. Bong lessons on a Cannabis.
PERINO: I don't like it.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
RANDI KAYE, CNN CORRESPONDENT: I thought maybe I would bring a gas mask with me so I wouldn't, you know, get that contact high. But what's on the other end of the gas mask? Yes, a bong. And of course, they couldn't stand to see a bong that didn't have any cannabis in it.
I don't think this is really what a gas mask is used for. But wow, OK. This is New Year's Eve, Denver style, everybody.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN ANCHOR: This is legal in Colorado.
KAYE: Oh, boy.
ANDY COHEN, HOST, BRAVO'S "WATCH WHAT HAPPENS LIVE": I know. I'm moving to Colorado.
KAYE: It is very legal.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: Dana, you're shaking your head.
PERINO: Call me a prude, I don't care. I don't like that. I don't like it at all. I don't think it's good.
WATTERS: Why?
PERINO: Well, one, it's not even interesting. Two, it looks scary with the gas mask and a bong. And also, I just don't think it's necessary. I don't think it's necessary. Do it in the privacy of your own home. I don't care. I don't want to see it on a bus.
WATTERS: OK, Greg.
GUTFELD: This is the worst thing you can do to a substance, because you're casting it as a novelty for stereotypical jackasses. Everybody up there is a jackass.
For marijuana to be acceptable, it has to be mundane. The way we treat a beer or a martini. We don't sit there and go "Hey, I got a beer! Look how..."
WATTERS: Well, Don Lemon does.
GUTFELD: You sit -- yes, Don Lemon gets a shot in him, and he acts like it's the first time he's ever had a drink. But no, you've got to sit there, when you have a martini, it's after work. It's not before work.
GUILFOYLE: Right.
GUTFELD: And you don't sit there and brag about how wasted you get.
In the '50s and the '60s on TV shows, they always had a character, the town lush, and it was -- it was treated as a stigma, an embarrassment. We have to do that.
Marijuana should be legal. It should be mundane, used as something to relax after work, but they treat it like a stupid novelty. It's so embarrassing. That woman embarrassed herself.
WATTERS: Kimberly.
GUILFOYLE: They've had problems like this at CNN in the past. Right? Remember, they had, like, people drunk on air. And -- I mean, not that FOX hasn't. My point is, like this, I wasn't surprised when I read this.
WATTERS: Yes.
GUILFOYLE: I mean, do you remember, like, last New Year's Eve.
WATTERS: No, I blacked out.
GUTFELD: He blacked out.
FOWLER: So I don't think this was New Year's Eve, but I felt as though this bus is familiar. Wasn't this bus on "Watters' World"?
WATTERS: Yes. Moving on.
Mariah Carey was able to avoid a mess like last year. There were no malfunctions.
GUILFOYLE: What?
WATTERS: But there was no hot tea, either. Here are some highlights.
FOWLER: Was it on the bus?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MARIAH CAREY, SINGER (SINGING): I've got a vision of love, and it was all that you've given me. I have a vision of love, and it was all...
(SPEAKING): Happy new year.
I just want to take a sip of tea if they'll let me. They told me there would be tea. Oh, it's a disaster. OK. Well, we'll just have to rough it. I'm going to be just like everybody else with no hot tea. We're going to try and do this one for you.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
WATTERS: All right. The diva did eventually find the tea that she was hoping for, posting a picture of herself with a cup of Earl Gray or something like that.
GUILFOYLE: That's the problem.
PERINO: Earl Gray is the worst.
FOWLER: Why? You're a tea snob.
PERINO: Yes, I am a tea snob. Earl Gray is like a perfume. It's got the bergamot. It's terrible.
GUILFOYLE: It's too much for you?
PERINO: English Breakfast is superior.
GUILFOYLE: English Breakfast is excellent.
WATTERS: English Breakfast.
FOWLER: I like Earl Gray. I like Earl Gray over English Breakfast.
GUILFOYLE: And also, Lipton, hello.
WATTERS: Hello. And Greg, final thoughts?
GUTFELD: Last year was her mulligan. Right? She screwed up. So she has a second opportunity to torture us with her squealing.
GUILFOYLE: But she showed up.
GUTFELD: You know, I'd rather buy K-Tel's "20 Greatest Car Alarms." If anybody even remembers what K-Tel is. That's a joke for you born in the '50s.
WATTERS: All right. Is it me or does everyone else here have a bit of the "back to work blues?" Hang in there. We're going to get through the holidays over thing together, next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
FOWLER: Welcome back to "The Five." The holidays are over. Tens of millions of Americans are back to work, back to the daily grind, including us.
GUILFOYLE: Yay.
FOWLER: It's normal to have a case of the New Year's Eve blues today, but was it hard for any of you guys to wake up to your alarms this morning?
PERINO: I always wake up before my alarm.
GUILFOYLE: Oh, totally.
FOWLER: Greg, did you have a hard time waking up?
GUTFELD: No, not at all. Vacation is more stressful to me than work. The pursuit of relaxation is stressful, and it makes me miserable. The tension...
GUILFOYLE: I kind of agree, actually.
GUTFELD: The tension from work is preferable to the tension for happiness.
GUILFOYLE: And your insane (ph) family.
GUTFELD: Happiness -- happiness cannot be -- happiness can never be achieved in life, so for example, I'll talk about my "One More Thing." I had an unusual holiday. But the thing is, but the tension from work provides you with the sense of achievement, whereas happiness is never attained. It's not worth it.
GUILFOYLE: Getting cheap about your therapist again, are you? We're just so happy to help and sit here and listen to that. Wow, OK.
FOWLER: Just for the record, Fox does provide good health care. He just doesn't take advantage of it.
GUILFOYLE: Gator arms doesn't want to do the co-pay.
PERINO: I was nervous to go on vacation, because I had just gotten into a routine that I could manage with the new schedule and everything. So that was kind of nerve-racking, but then I had a really good break. But I was ready to come back to work.
FOWLER: Also, Jesse and me were -- we were happy to be on vacation, right?
WATTERS: Yes, I worked over this break. I did New Year's. So...
FOWLER: So did I.
PERINO: I did, too. In the morning.
WATTERS: I guess you fought for sundown.
GUILFOYLE: Yes, and I did it for nine years. So there you go.
WATTERS: OK.
PERINO: You win.
WATTERS: Never that cold, though.
FOWLER: Yes, it was never that cold.
PERINO: But was it hard for you to get -- did you have to get Ronan up today?
GUILFOYLE: No, in fact, because he didn't have school today. Interesting.
PERINO: One day off.
GUILFOYLE: I think when I -- I woke up before my alarm, too, but I think I woke up to you know who.
PERINO: Who?
GUILFOYLE: Jasper. You sent me a picture.
PERINO: Yes.
WATTERS: I thought you were going to say "Fox & Friends."
GUTFELD: I thought you were going to say somebody else.
WATTERS: Yes, I was just, like, "Whoa!"
GUILFOYLE: Not you.
PERINO: We have a secret society. Jasper.
GUILFOYLE: Yes.
PERINO: You're not included.
GUILFOYLE: I get my Jasper picture in the morning.
WATTERS: I've slept with Jasper before.
FOWLER: Oh, wow.
GUTFELD: What about the dog?
FOWLER: Well, I think -- for those of us...
PERINO: Well done, Richard.
FOWLER: For those of us -- I mean, we worked New Year's Eve. So I get to take a couple days off after tomorrow and get some rest, because we get to work in the bone-chilling cold.
WATTERS: No one wants to see you on TV anymore.
GUILFOYLE: Oh, my gosh.
GUILFOYLE: You are so mean.
PERINO: You've worked all day, too.
FOWLER: Yes.
WATTERS: So mean. I'm back.
GUILFOYLE: We saw you lost your mojo. It's frozen.
FOWLER: We can also talk about the cannabis truck from the "Watters' World." But we'll let...
WATTERS: That was an investigation. A "Factor" investigation.
FOWLER: Was that a fact? Was it really?
GUILFOYLE: He gets a mulligan. Those are "The Factor" days.
FOWLER: Did you see the gas masks, Jesse?
WATTERS: Yes.
FOWLER: Did you try it?
WATTERS: No.
GUTFELD: Favorite "Factor" investigation? Victoria's Secret.
WATTERS: OK.
GUTFELD: Just to show all the Victoria's Secret models.
WATTERS: Can we go to break, please? Richard.
GUILFOYLE: A lot of -- lot of credibility.
FOWLER: Yes, now he's nervous, America. He's real nervous right now.
GUILFOYLE: Yes.
FOWLER: He wants me to go to break so badly.
GUILFOYLE: See what payback does.
FOWLER: Payback is a...
GUILFOYLE: Mmm.
FOWLER: "One More Thing" is up next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Time for "One More Thing." Dana.
PERINO: OK. So this is Savannah Airport a few days ago. And this family was headed to Pasadena to go to the Rose Bowl, because they were going to cheer on the Georgia Bulldogs. I accidentally called them the Tigers, because I was thinking of Clemson. But anyway, I've got my football down.
Yesterday, Georgia started the year off very well for them, because in double overtime, the won. Final score was 54-48. Georgia's now headed to face Alabama in the national championship, and it hasn't beat Alabama since 2007. So I'm actually going to stay up and watch that game. I'll bring you play by play.
GUTFELD: You're fantastic. All right, K.
GUILFOYLE: And continuing in our sports-themed, highly-produced show, I want to tell you about a Georgia lawyer. He really wanted to go to the Rose Bowl, so he wrote college football's greatest legal motion. OK?
And his name is attorney J. Patrick Connell. And he's a huge Georgia Bulldogs fan. He had tickets to go to the Rose Bowl game with his brother, but the trial date was in the way. I hate it when that happens. So he wrote an epic emergency motion for continuance of trial, and argued the historical relevance of the game, that he would be traveling back home today and would, quote, "be unable to appear at the bench trial."
The judge had a good sense of humor, Superior Court Judge Michael Karpf, also a Georgia dogs fan, played along and agreed to move the court date, then jokingly added if Georgia lost, Patrick would have to show cause as to why they should not be held in contempt.
GUTFELD: Ooh.
WATTERS: Very good.
GUTFELD: Nicely done. All right. I've got a little double -- I've got a double today. It's time for...
GUILFOYLE: Gym, what?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I hate these people!
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: All right.
PERINO: Kimberly.
GUTFELD: This is a special holiday hatred. You know you're in the parking garage, because you're shopping with your family, and you're looking for a parking space. And you see somebody going into their car...
PERINO: Yes.
GUTFELD: ... because they're done shopping. And they're sitting down, and you're waiting for the car. Right? For them. But instead of pulling out, what do they do? They start checking your phone. So they're not even leaving.
GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God.
GUTFELD: They're sitting there, and they're checking their phone. While you are waiting, waiting.
GUILFOYLE: Yes.
GUTFELD: And then somebody is waiting behind you, and so there's a backup because you have to check to see how many likes you got on your stupid Facebook post. No one cares about you. Get out of that space.
OK. Time for this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I love these people!
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUILFOYLE: Wait, too hated?
GUTFELD: If you listened, "I love these people."
GUILFOYLE: You said you had a double.
GUTFELD: All right. You know what I love? The New York City Fire Department, who...
GUILFOYLE: Me, too.
GUTFELD: ... were able -- but for different reasons.
GUILFOYLE: Same reason.
GUTFELD: For freeing me from an elevator Friday night over the holidays. I had this flashback of that guy that was stuck in an elevator for four days over the holidays, forced to use the elevator as a bathroom. I was not going to do that. And I was alone, thank God. And the firemen came in and freed me. And it was...
GUILFOYLE: Was it like William Baldwin in "Backdraft?" Because I have that...
GUTFELD: Except the -- except the department was actually smart and interesting, unlike Billy Baldwin, who's an idiot.
GUILFOYLE: You are so mean.
GUTFELD: Billy Baldwin is an idiot.
GUILFOYLE: Remember when I got caught in the elevator here?
WATTERS: Can we see that picture again of you in the elevator one more time with the -- is that Rachel Maddow?
GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God.
PERINO: Your poor friend was stuck in the elevator. I mean, I felt bad for you.
GUTFELD: Rachel Maddow's attractive. Thank you very much.
GUILFOYLE: Somebody is going to put that on a side-by-side.
GUTFELD: All right. She's beautiful. So am I.
Jesse.
WATTERS: OK, do you guys like snow?
GUILFOYLE: She's way prettier than you are.
WATTERS: Cake? Well, here is snow cake. This is a father who, for some reason, took a chainsaw and cut a sword. Excuse me. You've seen this before. And used the sword to cut a piece of snow cake from the table, and he cut it perfectly. Look at that slice. It's like Del Frisco's right there. Perfect slice, and then he ate it.
GUTFELD: All right. I've got to ask you.
WATTERS: Yes.
GUTFELD: Did you -- why? That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen.
WATTERS: Yes.
PERINO: That was really -- wow.
GUTFELD: Just so you could say "Del Frisco's."
WATTERS: No, it wasn't.
GUILFOYLE: Yes, because you want to get free drinks and yellow cake and premium service at the bar.
WATTERS: I was strong-armed into doing that one.
GUTFELD: A slice of ice.
GUILFOYLE: No, that was like...
PERINO: There's, like, some coded message in it or something.
GUTFELD: All right, Richard, save...
FOWLER: Let me save the day.
GUILFOYLE: That was weak.
FOWLER: Former --- former 2016 GOP candidate Carly Fiorina has taken on a new mission: empowering community organizations. Unlocked Potential Foundation's focused on building up and empowering local community leaders so they can help their communities.
She started with the Easter Seals organization a few weeks ago. And she's working with them and their local leaders so they can help disabled -- disabled families, veteran families and help get their community up and running. It's pretty amazing.
PERINO: Wow, that's nice.
FOWLER: So she's basically taking all she learned in politics, all she learned in H.P., and she's using that to help communities. And so I thought it was pretty cool.
PERINO: Amazing.
FOWLER: It's a bipartisan effort. And so big shout-out to Carly. She is empowering America. Carly, you get the Richard Fowler Award.
PERINO: Great. What can you do with that award?
GUTFELD: Yes.
GUILFOYLE: That was an excellent "One More Thing."
FOWLER: It was.
GUTFELD: All right. Set your DVRs. Never miss an episode of "The Five." "Special Report" up next. Bret, happy -- or shall I say merry -- New Year.
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