'The Five' recap Thanksgiving

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," November 24, 2017. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

JESSE WATTERS, "THE FIVE" CO-HOST: Hello, everybody. I'm Jesse Watters along with Kimberly Guilfoyle, Jessica Tarlov, Gillian Turner and Greg Gutfeld. It's 5:00 in New York City, and this is "The Five." Thanks for joining us on this day after Thanksgiving. And now it's time for the fastest Thanksgiving recap, black Friday chaos, Thanksgiving protests and more. But, first up, all of you at home are probably nursing your turkey hangover right now, and we hope you had a great holiday with your friends and family. But we're going to go take it around the table to see how "The Five" celebrated. Let's start with you, Greg.

GREG GUTFELD, "THE FIVE" CO-HOST: Well, it was quite possibly one of the greatest Thanksgivings I've ever had. You know, I only have celebrities as friends because they make the best friends, so I can't show any real pictures of what they did because they'd be upset. His first name, George. But here's my first picture. I watched a lot of Fox, especially only when we went Vittert is on because his hair is amazing. If you look at that hair, it's almost like a black helmet.

WATTERS: Best hair in the business.

GUTFELD: It's the best hair. And then I have some guests, I have this fellow came over later. It wasn't green when he got there, but by the end of the night, he was green. And then this guy showed up right there right here, landed on my roof, brought him in.

WATTERS: Beautiful.

GUTFELD: Yeah, quite beautiful. And then, this woman just happened to be sitting in the corner.

WATTERS: Is that your aunt?

GUTFELD: I have no idea who she is.

WATTERS: Not related.

GUTFELD: And then later we have -- this is my collection of rubber duckies, because on Thanksgiving I just have one long bubble bath. And then, finally, finally, I was able to program my Roomba to deliver my booze. I mean, delivering my glass of chardonnay, which I'm not a big fan of.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: My Roomba doesn't know. Well, am I going to punish a robot?

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, "THE FIVE" CO-HOST: I thought you trained it to deliver your peanut wasp.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Chardonnay, very masculine, Gutfeld. Gillian, what about you?

(CROSSTALK)

GILLIAN TURNER, "THE FIVE" CO-HOST: So my family is celebrating on Saturday this year. That's tomorrow. So we haven't celebrated Thanksgiving yet. So instead, I thought I'd bring you some photos of Olivia and her best. This is Olivia two years ago pre-turkey. She's looking, lovingly. This is last year right before the turkey, so we've got before and after. This is the after from two years ago.

GUTFELD: You really are going after's Dana's--

TURNER: It is.

(LAUGHTER)

(CROSSTALK)

TURNER: When you sit on the sit. And then this, this is Olivia now looking forward to Christmas. She's really excited. That's her boyfriends. I didn't know I even sent that one.

WATTERS: Very cute. OK. And you, Jessica?

GUILFOYLE: And welcome to The Five.

JESSICA TARLOV, "THE FIVE" CO-HOST: Thank you, very glad to be here.

GUTFELD: This is your first time.

TARLOV: It is my first time.

GUTFELD: Don't screw it up.

TARLOV: Thank you, Greg. That's super helpful. So I'm from New York City. I was at home with my family. My sister and my new brother-in-law got back from their honeymoon the night before. So we talked a lot about their trip. But we were just at home. I only have a couple shots. We're not a massive photo family. So I wanted to share this one. This is my mother and my sister's golden doodle who have the same hair. You can't usually tell them apart. But the human one -- the taller one is her.

WATTERS: The human one.

TARLOV: And then, my dad who is an amazing cook. Went to cooking school, makes his own bread. So I wanted to show everyone that that is going on at Tarlov H.Q.

GUTFELD: Very needy individual.

TURNER: Oh, look at that.

WATTERS: And his a baker.

TARLOV: He was a baker.

WATTERS: Kimberly.

GUILFOYLE: So I watched the Thanksgiving Day parade, you know, with family and friends, and that was very nice because you could see the whole thing right where I was.

(LAUGHTER)

WATTERS: Undisclosed location.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Surprised I didn't out your exact address.

GUILFOYLE: Exactly. And then, we had wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with my son and his father and his parents, grandparents, and we had the best time. And my friend Ann came, so roped her in for the whole thing.

WATTERS: That's great.

GUTFELD: No pictures?

GUILFOYLE: No pictures, Greg. That would reveal my location.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

WATTERS: And all the celebrities.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Very good. I was with my family and my mother, when I got there gave me a make America green again bumper sticker and talked a lot about Gutfeld, as a matter of fact. She said your name is Gutfield. She doesn't know how to pronounce your name. She did not like how Trump did the turkey pardon. She felt that was insensitive because he joked about revoking the Obama turkey pardon, and felt that was mean and nasty.

TURNER: I agree with your mother.

WATTERS: And there's a lot of things about -- say about Al Franken, which I promised I would not share with the audience. All right. Next, Black Friday madness is officially on full swing on this -- the busiest shopping day of the year. Some frantic bargain hunters are coming to blows over the best deals. Check out these two brawls that happened earlier.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNINDENTIFIED FEMALE: Let go. Let go.

(INAUDIBLE)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: Now, I don't know if you guys can see this at home, but I sustained a little black Friday injury here on my head wrestling a television away from an angry father at Best Buy, and just got a little band aid, so I'm OK.

GUILFOYLE: Is that a true story?

WATTERS: Not a true story. Much more embarrassing than that I'm also not going to disclose. Gutfeld, these people are crazy.

GUTFELD: If you ever want to argue against capitalism, show those pictures, because this is like 99 percent of these people don't even want that product. What happen is you -- you don't want the product. So they lower the price so you decide maybe you do want it. But you really don't want it or else you would have already purchased it. You wouldn't have wait and didn't fight. By the way, the worst part about this is every day should be black. I don't know why it has to be black Friday. I think that's weird. I think we should replace all holiday music with Goth music. Holiday Goth music, sister of mercy, Peter Murphy. Let's just make every day black.

WATTERS: OK. That's why you're not in charge, Gutfeld.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: What?

TURNER: This is why that's not -- this is not your saying.

GUTFELD: Yeah, that's true.

WATTERS: But don't they have like cyber Monday and can't you get all these same deals on the internet?

TURNER: All right. The truth? Are you ready?

GUILFOYLE: Yeah.

WATTERS: Bring it.

TURNER: Every day from today until January 1st is going to be the same. There will be massive sales. I think black Friday is dead.

WATTERS: It's over.

TURNER: Like you heard it here first on The Five--

WATTERS: OK.

TURNER: -- black Friday is dead. It's all a lie. From here going forward everything is massively discounted.

GUTFELD: This is fake news.

TURNER: This segment is fake news.

WATTERS: OK. Well, it makes sense that I'm hosting it.

(LAUGHTER)

WATTERS: Jessica, you would not be caught dead in one of these department stores, I can imagine.

TARLOV: No, I absolutely was.

WATTERS: You would.

TARLOV: I love Best Buy.

(CROSSTALK)

TARLOV: Fantastic. I'll drop like that, right? No, I love going into Best Buy and running around. I did not pick up a TV today, but they now hook you with the emails early where they say, oh, it's starting. This is early black Friday. It's already 90 percent off, and then 90 percent off on top of the 90 percent off and all of that. So I did some online shopping, but no in person brawling.

WATTERS: And Kimberly has everything money can buy, so she doesn't need to do any shopping on black Friday?

GUILFOYLE: Well, you know, it's just like any other day of the year. When you have Amazon it's kind of like aren't there always good deals?

WATTERS: Exactly.

GUILFOYLE: Free shipping. And so far all I've purchase was, somehow, my son put in the card the Nintendo switch thing or something. These gifts keep on coming. You have to wait for this for Christmas, and then two bathing suits.

WATTERS: Oh, nice.

GUTFELD: Maybe this is a good thing because if technology is eliminating our ability to fight. But this is a good thing to remind us how to fight. This is important because we're too busy at home ordering things. It's good one day of the year to go out and fight to the death.

WATTERS: Get back to our roots.

GUTFELD: Get to our roots.

GUILFOYLE: I think you have no patients for that, Greg.

GUTFELD: No, no, no. I hide under a bed with spritzer.

WATTERS: And finally yesterday was Thanksgiving, but that didn't stop some football players from continuing to be anti-American. Collin Kaepernick spent the holiday at the annual un-Thanksgiving day protest on Alcatraz Island.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNINDENTIFIED MALE: We're all fighting for our justice, for our freedom, and realizing that we're in this fight together makes us all the more powerful.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: But the former 49ers quarterback made a surprise appearance at the event, which commemorates the 19th month occupation of the notorious prison by native American activists from 1969 to '71. You have been out to Alcatraz, can I imagine.

GUILFOYLE: Yes.

WATTERS: They actually do this evidence year?

GUILFOYLE: Yeah. I mean, you know, but leave it to Collin Kaepernick to make it about himself and like try to ruin Thanksgiving. He's like the new Grinch, now he's going to probably move on to Christmas. Help ruin the NFL, drove the ratings down, also the profits. I mean, wow. When you see him coming, just run the other way.

WATTERS: That's right.

GUILFOYLE: Like bad news bears.

WATTERS: There you go. What do you think?

TARLOV: I don't know if I'd run the other way, per say. I do think think--

GUILFOYLE: Unless he was throwing you the ball.

WATTERS: That's right.

TARLOV: I would not also be able to catch that if he was throwing me the ball. I think this is an exceptionally bad P.R. move for Colin Kaepernick after he got the GQ citizen of the year award. I thought it was a great opportunity to, I guess, be more useful to people on both sides to make them understand what the kneeling is actually about, and what that all stands for, and also to be respectful of American traditions and things that are of value to a lot of people. So I didn't think this was a great thing. I didn't also know that it happened every year. So that's a bonus that I've learn something new

WATTERS: There we go. He's clearly going all in, Gillian.

TURNER: Well, here's the problem. I think if you want to fight and try to give a voice to native-American-Indian activists that's fine. But you can't fight everything all at once in one year. You can't fight the flag and the national anthem and Thanksgiving, like he's taking on too much in my opinion.

WATTERS: He's spreading himself too thin.

TURNER: He's spreading himself too thin. It's not a good move.

WATTERS: Gutfeld?

GUTFELD: He's Mr. Potato Head social justice warrior. He just changes depending on the cause.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: But you know what, the real sin is he chose Alcatraz over alcohol. Thanksgiving is about alcohol. But you know what a miserable Thanksgiving, Eminem. And the reason why he did an interview, he's enraged that Donald Trump has not responded to his angry rap, and therein lies the solution. That if you do not respond to this -- Collin Kaepernick will fade into certain obscurity. The more that we talk about it, the more he gets out of this. So Eminem is so upset because Trump will not even acknowledge that rap. And that is the best -- that's the best kind of revenge.

WATTERS: And it shows that he wanted the attention.

GUTFELD: Right.

GUILFOYLE: he's jealous of LaVar Ball.

WATTERS: Exactly.

GUILFOYLE: That's the problem. It's like, what about me? I'm over here.

GUTFELD: LaVar Ball for president.

GUILFOYLE: He needs to learn how to tweet.

WATTERS: That's right.

GUTFELD: LaVar Ball, 2020, Democrat candidate.

TARLOV: He's like I wouldn't thank the president either. What about me?

WATTERS: All right. Coming up, more Thanksgiving madness as President Trump spent Thanksgiving touting the success of America is his message to the troops. But some Democrats insist on ripping his achievements so far. We'll have more when "The Five" returns.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUILFOYLE: While spending Thanksgiving in Mar-a-Lago in Florida yesterday, President Trump delivered this special holiday message via satellite to the five branches of the military serving overseas, highlighting the success of America under his watch.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: For each of you, I know it's hard to be away from home at this time of the year. We're doing well at home. The economy is doing really great. When you come back, you're going to see with the jobs and companies coming back into our country, and the stock market just hit a record high. Unemployment the lowest it's been in 17 years. So you're fighting for something real. You're fighting for something good. Now we're working on tax cuts. Big fat beautiful tax cuts. And hopefully, we'll that and then you're really going to see things happen.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: But, as you can imagine, the left would rather paint the picture of gloom and doom. Here's Bernie Sanders.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BERNIE SANDERS, U.S. SENATOR: I don't have to tell anybody that from a political point of view, this has been a horrendous year. It appears that almost every day there is something coming out of the White House that is embarrassing, that is destructive, that is horrific. Our job now is we enjoy this holiday with our family and our friends. It's not only to take on Trump's divisive actions, his desire to divide us up based on the color of our skin, or our sexual orientation, or where we were born, or our religion or whatever. Not only do we have to take him on, we have to do something else. And that is move this country forward.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: The president not one to shy away from his critics tweeted about his busy schedule today, quote, after turkey call I will be heading over to Trump's national golf club, Jupiter, to play golf quickly with Tiger Woods and Dustin Johnson, then back to Mar-a-Lago for talks on bringing even more jobs and companies back to the USA. Now he's very considerate to golf quickly.

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: Yet again, an example of his greatness, Jesse.

WATTERS: Yeah, that's right. And I'm sure he scored better than Tiger, and he'll probably tell everybody he did. Listen, I think there is a huge difference in these two people. Trump came out and said what was going well in America in the people's lives. The stock market, unemployment, jobs. And listen to what Bernie Sanders said. He said from a political point of view everything is a disaster. So he is just talking about politics. And from a political point of view, I agree. It's been a disaster for the Democrats. They have had a terrible year. He also made me fall asleep listening to him. He looked very comfortable. And I love everything looks gray, his hair, the sweater, the background. This is the leader of the Democratic Party. This is the leader of tomorrow. And I can't imagine the Democrats can be thankful for Bernie Sanders because, listen, the guy does not scream fresh when walking and talking like that. The guy is, I think his best days are behind him.

GUILFOYLE: OK. And also, thinking the military which is very important. Now Greg, I noticed something peculiar.

GUTFELD: What?

GUILFOYLE: Not just about you.

GUTFELD: OK.

GUILFOYLE: It looked like Bernie has one of your sweaters.

GUTFELD: That's true. I was missing that gray one. And he better get it dry cleaned. I don't want that unusual socialist odor on it. You know, this comparison reflects the prison of two ideas. You know, in the media we're expected to be one way or the other. You're either on the Trump train or you think he's evil. And it creates this delusion that Scott Adams talks about, the two movie phenomenon where America is experiencing the same material, but they're seeing two entirely different movies. They see Trump as evil. Everybody else says things are pretty good. The fact is, the thing that makes me laugh, especially living in New York, an educated person on the coast who can constantly go about predicting a Trump apocalypse, a Trump caused apocalypse, will still go home back to a hip wine bar, peck at his iPhone, check his 401(k), and watch prices fall on technology that 15 years ago a king wouldn't be able to get. The things are pretty good and it's reality, as you were saying, in their face. There is no apocalypse. Things are pretty good. But in their head they're seeing an entirely different film, and everything is going to come crashing down and earth is going to burst into a ball of flames.

TURNER: A Trump apocalypse.

GUTFELD: As red as your hair.

TURNER: A Trumpocalypse.

GUTFELD: A Trumpocalypse. Yeah, very good.

WATTERS: We should play a drinking game every time you mention Scott Adams.

(LAUGHTER)

WATTERS: I think at almost every show, right?

GUILFOYLE: Almost every show, it's unbelievable.

GUTFELD: Every other show.

GUILFOYLE: Someone is keeping track of this, Greg. Let me tell you.

GUTFELD: He was right about Trump for -- nobody listened, including me.

GUILFOYLE: Well, and there we go. OK. So two different world views.

TURNER: Two different world views. Quickly, I want to ding on both sides. I really don't think President Trump's message was all -- I think it had elements that were positive, but he was also kind of a downer. First of all, at 7:00 PM last night, he tweeted about the Affordable Care Act. These as families are sitting down to dinner. Well, crappy Obama--

(CROSSTALK)

TURNER: That's not really the Thanksgiving puree.

(CROSSTALK)

TURNER: Also, he also said, and I wrote this down so I'd remember, he said to troops in Afghanistan, everybody's talking about the progress he's made in the last few months since I opened it up. Now, he also said to troops in Iraq, they weren't letting you win before. Now, this is demoralizing for service members who are there today, many of them who lost friends and colleagues over the last few years. Many of them who are actually serving tours of duty during the Obama administration.

GUTFELD: Do you think they'll take it that way?

TURNER: You can't tell these young men and women that their own country set them up to fail.

GUTFELD: Do you think that they might -- they're taking it that way?

TURNER: Absolutely.

GUTFELD: When I hear that, I hear like -- look, I'm making it easier for you to fight this battle.

(CROSSTALK)

TURNER: My point is that it's demoralizing. It serves President Trump's political purposes, but I fear it's demoralizing--

TARLOV: And they were serving and fighting just as hard under President Obama as they are under President Trump.

GUTFELD: But their hands were tied it's the point he's making.

TARLOV: I think that on Thanksgiving the president has to do everything better than everybody else. I expected this from Bernie Sanders. You expect this from the opposition party. That could have been Mitch McConnell in that same outfit if Hillary had won saying the same thing. It's the same slouch. His posture is pretty decent. But, yes, we'll give him a slouch.

GUTFELD: He looks comfortable.

TARLOV: But when the president of the United States says anything that could be interpreted badly, especially about our service members -- boast about being the best for the military all time, I think it's a problem. But I also want to say, Bernie Sanders did make a key distinction.

GUILFOYLE: What was it?

TARLOV: Where -- I will tell you. Where he actually didn't go into the policies that were problematic because we know about the healthcare bill and the tax reform bill which Democrats and a lot of Republican think are not good for Americans. But he was talking about the vibe and the rhetoric and where the country is that we're more divided than ever, and that's a product of the White House. I think it is a little bit more nuanced than it was just like this is all terrible.

GUTFELD: So funny though as Democrat talking about divisiveness, they invented identity politics. They pushed that agenda instead of actually meeting the concerns of the American public about law and order, about terror, about border. Instead, they talked about pigment. They made pigment their politics. To the point about the military thing, this is an example of what the two movie scenario is. He says something and one side says, oh, my God, that's demoralizing. And the other side says, no, he basically saying that he loosened the screws so that they'll get more done. People see two different movies after hearing the same thing. Mine is right though.

TURNER: But the president did mention his celebrity friends. You might want to tell him.

GUILFOYLE: Because he has real celebrity friends.

GUTFELD: I have real celebrity friends.

GUILFOYLE: Actually you do, you have a couple.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TURNER: Who are they?

GUTFELD: Lou Dobbs.

(LAUGHTER)

GUTFELD: Lou Dobbs and--

GUILFOYLE: Kilmeade.

GUTFELD: -- Kilmeade. Well, he's not a celebrity.

WATTERS: Ouch.

GUTFELD: I love his new hair piece though.

(LAUGHTER)

GUILFOYLE: Yeah. He was supposed to be here for you today. Shame. Al Franken says he's sorry again for sexual misconducted allegations. But is the Democrat senator's latest apology enough? Details when we return. Stay with us.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

TARLOV: Al Franken is apologizing yet again for alleged inappropriate conduct, as calls for his resignation continue to mount. This comes as two more women have emerge accusing the Democrat of groping. Yesterday, the senator issued this statement saying, quote, I'm a warm person. I hug people. I cross the line for someone in, and I know that any number is too many. I feel terribly that I've made someone feel badly and for that I'm so sorry. A spokesman said that Senator Franken is expected to speak with the media about this controversy on Sunday. So I want to start with a question. Do apologies matter at all in this? Greg?

GUTFELD: Yes, I mean, politics has turned this into a game of pervert chess. We take their rook. We take their queen.

TARLOV: Is Franken our queen?

GUTFELD: I don't know. Somebody says that they are sorry and means it, I'm inclined to always forgive because we all sin. You don't have to be religious to understand that there is redemption. And if somebody is truly sorry, you also have to put it in a sense of proportion and priority of the other accusations around. But, I can't say that because that apology isn't for me and it isn't for you. It's for people like Kathie Lee Gifford.

His apology should be incredibly direct, very specific. It's not about greeting and shaking hands. It's about shoving your tongue down the throat of an unwilling participant. That's what this is about. So, as a start for him this weekend, he should direct his apologies in a highly specific manner. And, there might be people inclined to forgive him.

I know Leann Tweeden, she forgave him when he apologized to her. And that's a start. You can't do these meandering apologies where did you go, you know, I hope that, you know, I'm sorry for the people who might have felt bad about what I did. You know, he said, "I really screwed up. I was a weirdo. I thought it was funny to shove my tongue down people's throat."

TARLOV: Arianna Huffington, as well, defended him.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, that was different.

TARLOV: There was a picture circulating -- yes.

TURNER: Part of the problem is the apologies are not real apologies.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TURNER: They are statements in which these accused perpetrators are also making weak attempts to, like, justify their behavior and explain how all of this makes them feel.

So like my pro tip to men who are guilty of sexual harassment and sexual assault is just stop with the statements, because I think they're actually hurting in a lot of cases more than they're helping. Charlie Rose, for example, Exhibit A, said he was, quote, "embarrassed" in his official statement by the claims brought against him. Well, guess what, Charlie Rose? No one cares how your predatory behavior made you feel. That's irrelevant to the conversation.

Similarly, Louis C.K. issued a statement that was rambling all over the place, talking about rambling statements.

TARLOV: At least it was in character.

TURNER: And he focused on how this was a learning experience for him.

TARLOV: I'm sure that would be in his...

TURNER: No one cares. That's not the point. As Greg said, apologize specifically to your victim and leave it at that. Otherwise, don't...

TARLOV: They don't know what victims are coming out the next day. And that's what's going on here, because it starts as one. Then we shoot up to four, and who knows? There could be two more gropings by the end of the week.

GUILFOYLE: He should have a bit of an idea, right? I mean, in terms of...

TARLOV: He takes a lot of photos.

GUILFOYLE: But in terms of, you know, the conduct and what he's done. And so, look, he's apologized and said hopefully people, you know, learn from this. And including women to come forward and say if something has happened to them. It helps other women when do you that to understand and to feel courageous to be able to identify people like this that are, you know, behaving inappropriately and disrespectfully to women. I mean, so much for him running for president.

GUTFELD: Dana's prediction. She blew that one.

TARLOV: Well, we don't know. Rehabilitation happens.

WATTERS: I'd love to see Franken run for president. I think Franken and Trump is a great...

TARLOV: Franken, Trump

WATTERS: I think his P.R. team is slick. And you first saw the slickness on the first one wherein they said, you know, "I don't think she remembers it the way I remember it." He's still kind of victim blaming.

And now he's insulating himself against future claims where he says, you know, "I've taken thousands of photographs and hugged so many women." That's also saying that "what I'm doing is not groping, it's hugging." See how slick that is? So that insulates himself now further.

I don't believe he will resign. I don't think there's a chance. And the Democrats have a problem now, because they're going to be asked about Franken every time they shoot across the other side of the aisle.

And you talked about the other day, about there's no courtroom to judge all of these different things. And maybe for politicians, the courtroom is Election Day.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: Let the voters decide, and that's how they're going to do it. As much as it pains me to say that, Gutfeld does continue to make a good point about this. That there's -- there should be a spectrum here. And because there's no spectrum, it's going to now -- he's lumped in with everybody else.

GUTFELD: Right.

WATTERS: But when you look at what he's done compared to other people, maybe this is a survivable deal for a politician.

TARLOV: I think that it may be. We need that spectrum.

Coming up next, if Santa brought your kid a paper airplane or the game "Clue" for Christmas, would they be happy? Would they even know what they are? Why they may be the better alternative to this year's hottest toys.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

TURNER: Welcome back while kids across the world are writing their Christmas lists, asking Santa for some of this year's hottest games like fidget spinners, Hatchimals, and the Nintendo Switch. Some classics were also just inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame. They include paper airplanes, the board game Clue and the Wiffle Ball. Aren't those, like, 100 years old?

So what do my fellow "Fivers" think of 2017's newest inductees? Greg, you have more toys than anyone else.

GUTFELD: Yes. Well, who doesn't love a...

TURNER: What do you make of these inductees?

GUTFELD: Not much. Who doesn't love a good lawn dart? I think that was always my favorite toy, but then they banned them.

Look, the greatest toy of all is your imagination.

WATTERS: Aww.

GUTFELD: Thank you. You can have your Frisbee or your Wiffle Ball. But you have no idea what games I'm playing inside my head.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, we do.

GUTFELD: They are horrible and strange, and they never end, Kimberly. Make it stop.

GUILFOYLE: I just want you to get of my tree outside my window.

TURNER: You know all these guys at home are like, right, there's a tree outside.

GUILFOYLE: There's a tree. You laugh. He used to always make a joke about that. And everyone's like, "Whoa, where's the tree?" I'm like, OK.

GUTFELD: Can't make that joke anymore.

GUILFOYLE: No. You can't.

TURNER: Kimberly, what do you think? Do you like these inductees? You have a little man.

GUILFOYLE: Yes. No, I love Wiffle Ball, because you can play in the backyard and not, like, worry about breaking windows and so on. I love -- you know, I grew up playing sports and softball and baseball. So that's fun.

Oh, and, also, the paper airplane. Now they have little foam, Styrofoam ones. It's like the best toy. Doesn't break anything, as well. Especially when you have boys you think of this. And they're -- little boys or, like, a Jesse kind of boy, still like to play with them.

TURNER: Paper airplanes are affordable.

WATTERS: Paper airplanes, that's not a toy. That is a piece of paper that you fold and make some...

GUILFOYLE: It is a toy. Use your imagination.

WATTERS: You can't buy a paper airplane, so it's not a toy.

TURNER: Do you have to buy it for it to be a real toy?

(CROSSTALK)

GUILFOYLE: Yes you can. They have Styrofoam ones.

GUTFELD: They're talking about the classic paper airplane.

WATTERS: I don't know. I don't think so. Like the one we just make.

GUTFELD: Yes, which is made from a dead tree, I might add, America.

TURNER: Not very environmentally friendly. Jessica, what do you think of the inductees?

TARLOV: I think that they're fine, albeit the paper airplane was confusing to me. So I went back and looked at the whole list to see when Barbie got in, which was one of my favorites, and Slinky, which got in in 2000.

GUTFELD: You like Barbie? That's kind of, I don't know, cisgender of you.

GUILFOYLE: What?

TARLOV: It happens.

WATTERS: Sorry.

GUILFOYLE: Cisgender?

WATTERS: We're looking that up now, too.

TARLOV: The other -- but the thing to your point about the paper airplane. I saw that sticks was inducted in 2008.

GUILFOYLE: Anybody can have one. (THROWS A PAPER AIRPLANE SHE JUST MADE)

GUTFELD: Oh!

WATTERS: That's pretty good.

TURNER: All right. So I want to just get your thoughts. Because the consumer advocates are warning about choking hazards that are in, like, all these toys now, and tech-savvy toys that are actually spying on kids. Like anything that connects to the Internet.

TARLOV: Like the Roomba.

TURNER: Your Roomba is definitely spying on you. Be careful. Watch him.

GUTFELD: I like it when the Roomba watches.

GUILFOYLE: The Roomba is going to get a lawyer, soon.

GUTFELD: Every toy can be a choking hazard. Army men can be a choking hazard. I loved army men. Remember you'd get the bag of army men? That was great. And it...

WATTERS: Army people.

GUTFELD: Army people, I'm sorry.

WATTERS: Both genders are serving now.

TURNER: Have any of Greg Gutfeld's unicorns ever tried to choke you or spied on you?

WATTERS: No.

TURNER: Are you sure?

WATTERS: I don't like unicorns near me.

TURNER: Are you sure?

WATTERS: Yes, I am sure. And these Hatchables, I see that they're now...

TURNER: No, Hatchimals.

WATTERS: Hatchimals? Oh, I thought they were Hatchables.

TURNER: No.

WATTERS: Yes, my daughters have those.

TURNER: You don't know their name?

WATTERS: And they're genius, because you have to buy thousands of them. That's the key to making a good toy. One that you're just not satisfied buying one time; you have to buy the whole collection.

TARLOV: That's like Beanie Babies.

WATTERS: Right.

TARLOV: It was like that when I was growing up.

GUILFOYLE: Or like American Girl dolls. Those are very popular.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: Then you take them to the American...

GUTFELD: Where are the American Boy dolls? Where are they? And why do they have to be boy and girl? Like why? What's wrong with you? We're perpetuating sexism and cisgender values. It makes me sick.

GUILFOYLE: Well, you're not, because you love unicorns.

GUTFELD: That is true.

TURNER: Well, why don't you take a break, Greg? Calm yourself down.

GUTFELD: I will.

TURNER: We're going to go to break. Stick with us at home, because "Facebook Friday" is coming up next, and it's the best part of the show.

GUTFELD: Is it really?

TURNER: It's my favorite.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(MUSIC: COMMERCIAL JINGLE FOR BUBBLE YUM)

GUTFELD: Good old days, Bubble Yum. You could choke on that stuff.

All right. "Facebook Friday." Susan M. asked a very important question: "What electronic or form of technology would you be willing to give up for a month?" And keep it clean. All right, Gillian?

TURNER: Bye, iPhone.

GUTFELD: Really?

TURNER: I would just, like...

GUILFOYLE: No way.

TURNER: ... dive in and do it. Yes. I've done it for, like, a week before, and it was the best week of my whole life.

GUTFELD: Really? Really? And probably for other people, too. Because you annoy the heck out of them.

Jesse.

WATTERS: I could give up TV. I could easily give up television.

GUTFELD: Yes?

WATTERS: I mean, I'd still have to watch "The Five." But besides that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: And "Fox & Friends."

GUILFOYLE: He has to watch himself.

TURNER: How could you watch "The Five"?

WATTERS: Huh?

TURNER: How could you watch "The Five"?

WATTERS: I DVR it.

GUTFELD: What do you...

WATTERS: Sorry. I DVR it.

GUTFELD: I love him catching himself: "Wait, this is the industry I'm in. All right, give up TV."

TURNER: But you shouldn't.

GUTFELD: Jessica.

TARLOV: I think my iPad, which I don't love, admittedly, but I'm trying to like more. So I feel like it would still be a loss.

GUTFELD: Kimberly.

GUILFOYLE: Yes, iPad, computer. I would definitely not want to give up my phone. No.

GUTFELD: I'd give up my abacus.

GUILFOYLE: What?

GUTFELD: My abacus.

TARLOV: Your electronic abacus?

GUTFELD: Yes. I have one. Doesn't everybody have one?

TURNER: But not your Disk Man.

GUTFELD: Never. Not in a million years.

GUILFOYLE: Because he's "Beautiful Mind."

GUTFELD: There you go.

GUILFOYLE: Abacus.

GUTFELD: Marlena E. Ooh, this is also a very good question: "If you could be a newscaster in any era, which era would it be?" Jesse.

WATTERS: I'm going to go with today. Is that an option?

GUTFELD: Yes, I think that's an option.

WATTERS: Either today or the '70s. You know, "Anchorman" kind of guy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WATTERS: You know, with the butterfly collar and the maroon jackets. I think I have a maroon jacket.

GUTFELD: And the hospital bracelet on the right arm, Jesse?

WATTERS: I told you I injured myself, and I'm wearing a hospital bracelet.

GUILFOYLE: Too bad scissors weren't invented.

WATTERS: All right, I forgot.

GUTFELD: Jessica, what era?

TARLOV: I'm going to go '40s. I'm thinking a war newscaster, covering that. World War II would be interesting. That's late '30', early '40s, would be a great time for interest to do.

GUTFELD: K.G.

GUILFOYLE: What is it? It's what would you -- I can't read from there.

GUTFELD: You've already forgotten the question?

GUILFOYLE: I'm looking at his injury, and to be honest I was looking at his injury and I was saying to myself, "That is really small. Who goes to the hospital for something like that?"

WATTERS: It was potentially a cosmetic disaster. Everybody can understand that, especially you. It could have scared. It could have scarred. This is my livelihood.

GUILFOYLE: He just loves him some pasta.

WATTERS: It's my money maker.

GUTFELD: His paycheck is his face.

Anyway, Kimberly, what era would you like to be a newscaster in?

GUILFOYLE: Newscaster? Yes, it would be the same thing, probably back in the Ron Burgundy time. Then again, I feel like I'm there already, because he does wear that coat that he has. It's just -- you know. What can I say?

GUTFELD: It's a good point. There isn't a lot of progress in newscasters.

GUILFOYLE: Correct.

GUTFELD: They're almost interchangeable by decade. People who are newscaster -- local newscasters, even national ones, are the same. Anyway, Gillian?

TURNER: I would enjoy being a newscaster in the day before television like when radio was in its infancy and you got to -- not only did you get to host the news but you got to, like, make really cool sound effects at your desk.

GUTFELD: Ooh, that would be really fun.

TURNER: Yes, right. And the bombs were dropping, like you get to do everything yourself.

GUTFELD: Like "War of the Worlds" kind of stuff...

TURNER: Yes.

GUTFELD: ... with H.G. You know -- H.G. No, Orson.

Anyway, I would choose the witch trials. I'd shut that stuff down. I'd win a Pulitzer. I'd stop that stuff. That was the first -- you know, that's where the witch-hunt started.

WATTERS: Fake news.

GUTFELD: First witch-hunt.

TURNER: How would you stop it, though?

GUTFELD: I would -- I would use my savvy journalistic integrity. I don't know what I would do.

WATTERS: So you'd be out of luck.

GUTFELD: I'd be out -- everybody would die, yes.

GUILFOYLE: You would do a monologue, until they burned them at the stake.

GUTFELD: You know what? I'm going to go to you first, Kimberly...

GUILFOYLE: Go.

GUTFELD: ... because the question is from somebody named Kimberly. Ooh, and this is a tough question.

GUILFOYLE: I didn't write it.

GUTFELD: "Do you owe anyone an apology and if so, what are you waiting for?" Wow. That's a good game show question.

GUILFOYLE: No, no, I'm not sorry.

GUTFELD: You're not sorry.

WATTERS: Sorry, not sorry?

GUILFOYLE: Sorry, not sorry. And also not sorry to Jesse.

GUTFELD: Wow. Jesse, anybody you want to apologize to?

WATTERS: How long do we have?

GUILFOYLE: That's an hour long special coming up this weekend.

WATTERS: Yes, we've got to go to commercial.

GUTFELD: Yes. Gillian.

TURNER: I'll cede my question to Jesse. He needs it.

GUTFELD: Is this question that uncomfortable?

GUILFOYLE: Well, like, yes.

GUTFELD: All right.

GUILFOYLE: Do you want them to make something up?

GUTFELD: I can do it. I would apologize to the entire world...

GUILFOYLE: All right. But you...

GUTFELD: For everything that I have ever done. Because I've annoyed more people per capita than any human being on the planet. I have made so many lives tedious.

GUILFOYLE: OK. What about the...

TURNER: What about those things you said about Jesse's mom?

GUILFOYLE: Apologize to Lou Dobbs.

GUTFELD: I'm never going to...

WATTERS: The producers agree with you.

GUTFELD: What?

WATTERS: The producers agree with you.

GUTFELD: Yes. My staff, the producers, my wife, my family.

TURNER: Wait, just on this show, you owe, like, five people.

GUILFOYLE: Dana.

GUTFELD: Dana.

GUILFOYLE: Dana.

WATTERS: Start with the producers.

TARLOV: What about Brian Kilmeade?

GUTFELD: I would never apologize to Brian Kilmeade after what he did that weekend.

All right. Am I still going? This is a serious question. Chris B. asks, "If you were one of the Founding Fathers, who would you be and why?" All right. Who wants this one?

TURNER: Me, me. There's only one answer.

GUTFELD: Who?

TURNER: George Washington.

GUILFOYLE: Everyone is going to pick that.

GUTFELD: But he had wooden teeth.

TURNER: Because he got to be president.

GUTFELD: Yes, but would you take that and not have wooden teeth?

TURNER: Yes.

GUTFELD: You would have wooden teeth?

TURNER: To be the first president of the United States of America?

GUILFOYLE: What do you care if you have wooden teeth?

GUTFELD: It would bother me.

TURNER: That is the only answer.

GUTFELD: I'd have a problem with wood in my mouth.

TARLOV: You should be less vain.

GUTFELD: It's not vain, it's just texture. I don't like wood in my mouth.

TURNER: You sound like Jesse Watters.

GUTFELD: Yes. Jesse.

WATTERS: I'm going to go with Ben Franklin.

GUTFELD: Good guy. Slept in two beds. Did you know what?

WATTERS: Why?

GUTFELD: He liked -- he would get up from one bed and go to the other bed. And presumably alone, but we knew he was a wild man.

GUILFOYLE: Maybe he liked cool sheets. And when one would get a little warm he would pop into the cool sheets and slip in between them.

GUTFELD: He invented electricity every night. Anyway...

GUILFOYLE: That's static electricity.

GUTFELD: Jessica.

GUILFOYLE: You're good at that, too.

TARLOV: I was going to go Ben Franklin, too, but going back to the last thing, I actually have a person who I would apologize to, a girl named Flannery, who I went -- no, I went to school with.

GUILFOYLE: That's his last, not mine.

TARLOV: You looked shocked. And I was mean to her in middle school...

GUTFELD: Way to go.

TARLOV: And she's a very successful cook right now. And I did not ruin her life whatsoever, but I was such a baby bully. Flannery.

GUTFELD: I like people who admit that they bullied. Everybody claims they were they were the bullied. Or that they were the person that stopped the bully. But when somebody says, "Yes, I bullied." That's honesty.

TARLOV: It's just me.

GUTFELD: Yes it's just you. Kimberly.

GUILFOYLE: I don't know. We already went to me first.

GUTFELD: Oh, really? Did we hit everybody on this question?

GUILFOYLE: I already said George Washington.

GUTFELD: I was going to say Sam Adams. Was he a founder?

TURNER: Because he got a beer?

GUTFELD: Yes. I can't remember. I skipped that part. I skipped a couple of grades, for obvious reasons.

GUILFOYLE: Oh, my God.

GUTFELD: "One More Thing" next.

GUILFOYLE: Do you mean John Adams?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WATTERS: It's time now for "One More Thing." I'll go first. President Trump just tweeted this. Ready? "'TIME' magazine called to say that I was probably going to be named Man" -- person -- "of the Year like last year, but I would have to agree to an interview and a major photo shoot. I said probably is no good and took a pass. Thanks anyway!"

Wow, what a tweet.

GUILFOYLE: Well, he's always closing. He's like, probably, maybe?

WATTERS: Yes, that's the president last year. All right. So probably.

WATTERS: All right, who's next?

GUILFOYLE: Isn't it me?

WATTERS: Greg.

GUTFELD: It's me. It's me, but they moved the thing.

GUILFOYLE: What happened?

GUTFELD: Can't see.

"Greg Gutfeld Show," 10 p.m. Saturday, I've got -- who do I have here? I've got the great Stephen Baldwin, the good Baldwin brother. And Terry Schappert and Kat Timpf and Tyrus, 10 p.m. Saturday. It's going to be awesome. Great show.

All right. It's time for...

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Greg's Nutrition Tips

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: All right. The worst part of going to the movies are the movies. The second worst part is the cost of candy. This woman that I will introduce to you is a genius, for she fakes pregnancy to sneak food into the movies. She has -- that's a big dish, and she fills it with candy. It's a polystyrene bowl. And she sneaks that under her sweatshirt. I don't know if this is true. I don't know if it's true, but it should be true. It probably isn't true.

WATTERS: You're a newscaster. Did you hear that quote? "I don't know if it's true, but it should be true."

GUTFELD: That will be the name of my next show. "Doesn't Have to be True" with Greg Gutfeld.

WATTERS: All right. Kimberly Guilfoyle.

GUILFOYLE: All right. Well, tonight, I'll be filling in for my friend Sean Hannity at 9 p.m. Eastern, so I hope you join me. Great guests tonight: Alan West, Kayleigh McEnany, Geraldo Rivera, Gina Louden (ph), Charlie Kirk. We've got Todd Starns (ph), Doug Schoen, David Webb, Robert Jasper, and myself. And also Niger. So I think it's going to be a fantastic show. I know so.

And also, it's time now for Kimberly's...

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: ... Royal News.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUILFOYLE: Indeed. Where is my -- we had a situation. We had a mishap with the crown, so -- but don't everyone panic. We're going to fix it.

OK, so here's some good news. There's love in the air, because it might be actually time for another royal wedding on the horizon here. A lot of speculation about Prince Harry and Megan Markel. The announcement should be pretty soon, I'm hoping. Bookmakers in Britain recently suspended betting on whether another royal engagement will take place, which could be an indication that the news is coming soon.

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace Friday refused to comment even to us, stating that they would not give a running commentary on Harry's love life.

GUTFELD: Very interesting. Jessica.

TARLOV: Thank you. OK, so this is my favorite story of the week. It's positive for everyone. No politics to it.

A young woman, Kate McClure (ph), who lives in New Jersey, ran out of gas driving on the interstate from New Jersey. She was going down to Philadelphia in October. She panicked, understandably. A man approached her car, introduced himself. Said, "I'm Johnny. Please stay here. Lock your doors. I'll go get you some gas. He went to the gas station and used his last $20 -- it turns out he was homeless -- to buy her gas so she could get on her way. She then drove away, very thankful, came back to visit the spot a number of times, dropped off warm clothes and food, and water, and started a GoFundMe page to help him get back on his feet. And it's raised over $300,000 now.

GUILFOYLE: He's so rich now.

GUTFELD: That's amazing.

WATTERS: And it's so amazing, you didn't leave any time for your co-host, Gillian. I'm very sorry.

TURNER: As usual, Greg gets two things, and I get none.

WATTERS: Set your DVR so you never miss an episode.

GUTFELD: What was your thing?

WATTERS: Have a great weekend. We'll see you back Monday. "Special Report" up next.

END

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