President Obama mocks Republicans' attempt to sue him

This is a rush transcript from "The Five," July 11, 2014. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

ERIC BOLLING, CO-HOST: Hello, everyone. I'm Eric Bolling, along with Kimberly Guilfoyle, Bob Beckel, Andrea Tantaros and Greg Gutfeld.

It's 5 o'clock in New York City. And this is "The Five."


BOLLING: "So, sue me" -- three short words but when delivered with a certain tone speak volumes. And when it's the president of the United States, the man the country is supposed to look up delivering those "so sue me" words, that lines, you have to ask, has our commander-in-chief checked out?

Listen to this tape from yesterday. Hear the arrogance, the condescension, the "I just don't give a damn anymore" in his voice.


BARACK OBAMA, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I'm just telling the truth now. I don't have to run for office again. So, I can just you know, rather work.

You hear some of them -- sue him, impeach him. Really?


Really? For what? You're going to sue me to do -- for doing my job?

I mean, think about that. You use taxpayer money to sue me for doing my job, while you don't do your job.


BOLLING: You know what's sad? We have a president who rather play pool and drink beer rather than tackling problems that attack America.

You know what else is sad? We elected him twice.

K.G., a little tone change here lately.

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE, CO-HOST: Here's the thing -- most stores have an excellent return policy and I like to frequent those that do. Sort of your money back guarantee.

But here's the deal, America bought him, twice. Twice. Have we learned anything from this education?

What I do know he seems to remarkably be in some good spirits. I mean, look at all the things that are going on around him. The whole house is crumbling down. The foundation has given out. And still, it seems he doesn't quite understand the severity and the gravity of the problem.

So, am I to be encouraged he seems so relaxed and aloof and sort of like out of touch or what?

BOLLING: I know. We have so many things going.

Bob, I'd bring it around the table. Can we jump over here for a second?


BOLLING: Let's go to Ands, Ands, a lot of things going on around the world. He's a little aloof, no?

ANDREA TANTAROS, CO-HOST: Yes, too cool, right? And that's OK during the first campaign. It's maybe OK during the second presidential when the Middle East isn't burning, veterans are dying and the border is being -- basically, it's put under siege.

We talk about tone here a lot. And I just thought this tone reminded me of a student council president, something you hear on a college campus.
Bob is laughing. But a college campus or high school, maybe high school junior high running for class president, on the permanent campaign.

And I think if he had advisors around him that weren't Stepford staff just sort of nodding at whatever he says, they would pull him aside and they would say, it's not a good look for you. This is serious, OK? I know that you want to win the House and you want to keep the Senate, but there's serious stuff here. So, going after Republicans and joking and laughing and chugging beers and playing pool, you've got to stop that for a while until you figure out what to do.

BOLLING: Greg, he made a very good point, he doesn't have to run for re-election.


BOLLING: If this was four years ago where he did have to run for reelection, would he be more attuned to what's going on at the border?

GUTFELD: I think so, and I think I said this before. That's why the polls don't remember. If it were a conservative Republican, he should act that way. If you are -- if you know that you have any consequences, you should do everything you can to fulfill your ideology.

I don't think he was bad last night. I think that's -- when I watch him speak I say the Republicans should have that, should have a guy who has that kind of confidence. I don't like him using the word "really," because that's a banned phrase.

But the fact is, he -- FOX News has said this whole idea of this impeachment movement is ridiculous. So, he's just echoing what we have been saying. And he says it with a sense of humor and he's having fun.

True. This is a miserable time for this country. It's terrible. But he's won two elections. He doesn't care. He's changing society.

To him, watching the border break down is a political triumph because his mission is to create comprehensive reform.

So, this isn't bothering him. This is what hope and change is all about.

It's just the Republicans need to find somebody who can do that.

GUILFOYLE: So, what I learned from this, you've been looking for a guy like this.

GUTFELD: I've been saying -- I've been saying, the right needs to find their Obama, somebody who can handle this kind of stuff.

BOLLING: Part of the problem with that theory, why President Obama is acting like this because he can is the fact, Bob, that we're probably the seventh crisis in in the last five and a half years.

BECKEL: But you know, there's a method to his madness. First of all, he -- in every one of these things, he said -- he said, "I'm doing my job, the Republicans are not." And that's his message. And, frankly, it happens to be true.

On immigration, he can say the House can bring it up, they don't like what's in the Senate, but they could bring it up, debate it, amend, and go to conference. But they won't do that.

When Boehner says he's going to sue him, I mean, come on. Are they going to impeach him? I mean, that guy from Texas is about the only guy signed on to that. I think there's a little bit more here than just, you know, taking it too easy.

TANTAROS: But he's not doing his job. And either he doesn't understand or he doesn't care about constitution which is weird as a constitutional attorney.

Bob, it would take one quick fix in the law that's currently on the books to handle this situation at the border, at least the court and deportation issue. There's no effort by this administration to do any of that.

GUTFELD: You know what he needs? In every movie, the main character has a best friend that comes over and tells him all the things he needs hear to get the girl back. He has less friends than friends than E. coli.
He doesn't have anybody in his circle that says, "Dude, time for an intervention, you're scaring the crap out of the country, you've got to stop playing pool." He doesn't have that.

It's time for an intervention. But the groupies in the media, they won't help him.

GUILFOYLE: Maybe Valerie Jarrett can.


BOLLING: We so happen to have a couple of people who maybe he should start listening to.

Here's Mark Halperin first. Listen.


MARK HALPERIN, TIME: How does that speech, how does that tone, how does the confrontation, given all the history -- totally accept, how does that solve this? How does that deal what kind of country are we that the president can't figure out a way to lead, to get the situation with the kids solved?


BOLLING: It gets worse.

Roll the Carville SOT now.


Probably, I think it's a significant mistake. I think the public expects a president to show up at these kind of moments and, frankly, I agree with the Democratic consultants that came before. I mean, people are frustrated. Why didn't he go? He should have gone.



BOLLING: So, they are jumping off the bandwagon, Bobby.

BECKEL: Well, you know, I talk to --

BOLLING: Are you, by the way?

BECKEL: No. But I talked to a guy who is intimately involved in their campaign, both of them. And I said to him, can you guys give me anything to work with? Anything? It would be nice.

And he said about Greg's point about the close people around him, he said you have to know what it's like to get through Valerie Jarrett and Michele Obama, and I think that's a tough deal for anybody on a staff to do. This guy is not on the staff, but he made it pretty clear to me, the Stepford comment is maybe something to that, because he lives in a zone that nobody else goes to.

TANTAROS: Stepford staff, they just sit around and go, aha, aha.

GUTFELD: Or he does what they tell him.

TANTAROS: No one has the guts to say, knock it off.

GUILFOYLE: I don't think he wants to hear it either. I don't know that he's very open --

BECKEL: Oh, you're right about that.

GUILFOYLE: Yes. He doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to be criticized, because this is an individual who has -- you know, grown in a way where life has been very kind to him. He's been popular his whole life. He's gone to the best schools. He's been you -- know, he has all the people fawning over him, lifting him up in the chair and say, you want to be president of the United States.

BECKEL: He lost his father and mother. I mean, come on.

GUTFELD: And his dog.

GUILFOYLE: We've all had bad things happened. But I'm telling you, he's in the White House. He won election twice. Things are actually going pretty well for him.

BOLLING: You know when this changes, though, for the American people, is when he goes and says, I need $3.7 billion. Not only do I need 3.7, it's an emergency.

And guess what? Here's how I want to spend it. I want to spend it on things like health care for these people, processing for these kids, sending these kids back, talking to the countries that are going to take these kids instead of closing the border. Then it affects every American.
He can't be so aloof and we're going to pony up $3.7 billion.

TANTAROS: But if the media is not going to call you on it, and you're confident that the people who that write the history books are going to give you a pretty good review, then Greg's right. I mean, in his own mind, he thinks he is the best president. And if you look at what he wants, multiculturalism, open borders then he is the most successful president in the history of time. And you think he's the worst, by most definition.
But he's getting exactly what he wants.

GUTFELD: The media is, you know, is actually the main culprit here because you see those guys complaining about Obama because they already voted for him twice. Now they can be honest.

CNN called our border this morning the final burden for undocumented aliens. So, our border is actually their burden. And they are documenting their perilous journey through -- they don't look at the struggle of citizens in towns immigrants end up in. What we do is they're falling the people here.

So, we know the side that the media is taking through this and it's the same side that our president is on. So, they might complain but it's phony.


GUTFELD: Of course not. Are you kidding me? They would be fired.

BECKEL: It's going to go through because it's been appropriated in the House and tacked on to the homeland security bill. Do you think anybody is going to vote against that?

BOLLING: Well, I -- maybe. I mean, I don't know. Here in lies the problem, he says I need it and it's going to say, any Republican doesn't vote for --

BECKEL: I think it was a very smart move putting on that bill.

BOLLING: Hold on. K.G. --


BOLLING: --$3.7 billion, we did the math yesterday, at $74,000 per kid. But look at it this way, it's 68,000 teachers that we could be spending that money on instead of that.

GUILFOYLE: Yes, and there's a lot of families who are really struggling in this country and children that are hungry and starving. Just even the increase in shelters here in New York City, that people can't even provide meals for their children. That's why you see some other protest, that people are so disgusted and dishearten by, oh, how arrogant, how cold and callous. Look at these poor children.

I do feel bad for these children, who wouldn't? But why are their parents put them in harm's way and sending them across the border like this with drug dealers and coyotes? I mean, that's hardly a safe environment.
And we shouldn't encourage. We should do something to help protect the children by securing the border so these predators can't take advantage of it.

GUTFELD: But I have -- there is one shelter that I think is useful, it has 132 rooms and 35 bathrooms. It's called the White House. You can probably put eight bunk beds in a room, you can get 1,000 people in there.

You know what this is. It's also mutation of language. We know what a refugee is. A refugee is somebody that is fleeing persecution.

Not all of the -- calling all these people refugees is a lie. They are not fleeing persecution, they are fleeing a crappie country. I mean, do people leaving Chicago, are they refugees. If you leave Detroit, are they refugees.

The big point is, if you believe that these are refugees, what do you do about it? You go to those countries and you fix those countries, but nobody likes American exceptionalism. They don't want us to go there.

BECKEL: Greg, here's the point. The real culprit here is Mexico, because Mexico allows them to transfer through their country --

TANTAROS: That's right.

BECKEL: -- from Central America and goes up and they turn over these drug lords control that basically control that border and that's what's happening. Mexico should be called into account.

TANTAROS: Why do we funnel millions of dollars one to this country, but also to the Central American countries, which is part of this supplemental?

Eric and I were joking that we should move to San Salvador, open up a PR firm, because a lot of these PR firms are going to get these tax dollars. What did you say?

BOLLING: What we're calling -- coyote PR.

TANTAROS: Coyote PR. We could have tequila happy hours. I mean, really, do you really think you'd be able to buy a PR campaign. These countries know that if they send people there, they're going to be staying.
Actions speak louder than words. You have to --

BOLLING: Hold on --

BECKEL: Here's the action. U.S. aid stops.


BOLLING: Well, OK, how about this? Just meet with the president of Honduras, Guatemala. Just meet with them. Just sit down and say --


BECKEL: And the president of Mexico, too.

GUTFELD: I mean, why not encourage a Central American spring, you know?

BOLLING: Interesting.

GUTFELD: You know, why not? Because they love our country so much --

GUILFOYLE: You just started revolution.

GUTFELD: Why don't we export our country there? Because again, that's American imperialism and everybody hates that.

TANTAROS: We brought them to Lower Manhattan and did like an Occupy Wall Street. Don't you think a lot of the Obama donors in New York have a problem with that?

GUTFELD: Would love that.

BECKEL: Good news there was no spring this year. So --

GUTFELD: Yes, it's true.

BOLLING: Got to leave it right there.

Stay tuned because we're just getting started. Greg is going to tell you about a new war in America next.

And later, my fool of the week. Back in a moment.


GUTFELD: There's a new war in America, the humane versus the inhumane.

The humane are those who see borders as obstacles, who believe the homeless should get free pot, who think gender pronouns are evil, who see business as oppression.

The inhumane are the rest of us, who want to deport babies, bully the indigent, let the sick die because we hate Obamacare. We are racist, probably homophobic. But underneath it all, we're just inhuman.

Led by a White House that sees all through the prism of politics, our border is now the ball and a game between the humane and the inhumane.
Hmm, I feel a montage.


SEN. DICK DURBIN (D), ILLINOIS: We have to acknowledge this as the humanitarian challenge it is and make sure the United States will receive these children in a humane way.

JOSH EARNEST, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: The president has asked for additional resources from Congress to open up detention facilities across the country where these individuals can be housed in humane conditions.

SEN. PATTY MURRAY (D), WASHINGTON: I'm also focusing myself on giving the administration on the resources they need to protect these children and to treat them humanely.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We stand ready to support efforts to treat little children in a humane way.


GUTFELD: I'm so inhumane. Remember when the right, left and center shared one thing -- a border, it created identity. It made us Americans, especially to those beyond our fences. Remove that and what are we?

The debate over citizenship is the debate over survival. And anyone fleeing from persecution knows this. Humane masks policies often that are anything but.

In Berkeley, it's free pot for the homeless. You think that makes them less homeless? You think pot improves their lot? I'd say not.

But look at the border. The humane has gone insane. Buildings full of blank faces some pawns others cons, on a quest of separation and sadness.

And those who see this horror and want answers are inhumane. Hardly, we've just seen history and they are full of those who are namely in humane leave them weeping in their wake.

So, isn't it more humane to use these children as pawns, Kimberly? I mean --

GUILFOYLE: You know, it's just -- I don't know. So much politics is coming in this, right? But when you see criticism that's really fairly accurate and reasonable coming from both sides, you know you have a serious problem on your hands.

I would like nothing better than the president to rise to the occasion and do something about this, something lasting instead of always looking back to say this is why I'm having problems now because of the guy before me. That's not leadership. Take ownership much it. You were elected twice.

The liberals always say they want to control every aspect of your life from birth to death and tell you exactly how to do it because they know best. Well, if you do, President Obama tell us how we can solve this problem and do something about it.

GUTFELD: Bob, you know, there are a lot of people that are worried so when they are on camera, they are angry and cameras are in their faces and they look angry. Are they inhumane for being concerned about gangs or illness?

BECKEL: You know, here's the problem with this whole discussion is that I don't believe that Republicans are inhumane. I think a lot of them are very humane. And I don't believe all Democrats are as you described them are liberals. But I recognize that you paint a broad brush.

But the fact is that there are 11 million illegal immigrants in this country. There are 60,000 kids down there. It is much bigger problem.
And I think if Democrats, Republicans can get together they can get a bill, simply sit down and talk to each other.

But politics has played a role. Obama has politicized and the Republicans have politicized. But we're not all inhumane or humane. I think everybody -- I think you guys are humane people. I don't think you want to see -- I certainly don't want to say that I want to see a socialist country. I don't.

But I certainly do believe these kids should not be sent back and I think they are a small percentage of the bigger problem.

GUTFELD: Isn't part of the problem, Eric, that everything is a team sport now. Everybody picks a side. We used to -- it's OK to do that but when it's your border you kind of go, that's off limits. I don't know.

BOLLING: So you ran a bunch of sound bites of Democrats -- only Democrats using the word humane because they are trying to garner sympathy for the cause.


BOLLING: I mean, very specific and concise about this. How humane is abortion? You don't hear a Democrat say apply the word "humanity," humane to the abortion cause, because if they did, it would blow their theory out of the water.


BECKEL: I don't think it was all would send a message. Some of those people really believe it's a humanitarian problem.

GUTFELD: I think so, too.

BOLLING: But is a humanitarian problem. But it happens not to be our humanitarian problem.

BECKEL: Well, it is now because they are here.

BOLLING: It shouldn't be.

GUTFELD: And also, there are different ways to hand all humanitarian problem other than saying that those who disagree with you aren't humane.

I mean, to me in my mind, the most humane thing in the world, in the history of the world has been the United States. We've done more to help the world than anybody. Why can't we export our values to places where there are problems, rather than the problems forcing people to come here?

TANTAROS: Yes. And the reason that they use the term "humane" is exactly what you said, because then it has the benefit of implying that anyone who doesn't agree with them is inhumane which, Bob, you even agree, the Republicans that don't support this bill no matter where the funding is going are inhumane.

I think Juan earlier in the week said, why are you attacking kids?

By the way, you are very humane today. I'm all in favor of you having dates in the afternoon before the show.


TANTAROS: For the record.

BECKEL: It was very helpful.

GUTFELD: Very relax.


TANTAROS: Very humane.

BECKEL: No, I think we got be careful about painting these broad strokes. Just like Greg do it, that's what he does.


BECKEL: No, but you do. Look, you do it well. And it's funny what you do.

GUTFELD: But you do that to the right.

TANTAROS: Don't you think it's inhumane to keep these kids away from their parents, to keep these children and these young girls at risk of being raped? Do you think these conditions are humane at all or do you think it's humane to let veterans die? The four Americans who died in Benghazi, is that humane?


BECKEL: No. Look, I don't believe any of this is humane, and the V.A. or anything else. Parents sent these children up here and the Mexicans allowed them to come through.

TANTAROS: But these conditions are anything but humane.

BECKEL: I understand that.

GUILFOYLE: And you got gang members now, we talked about MS13 coming in and recruiting. Now, we've provided them with open recruitment.

BECKEL: That's why you need money to be able to take care of this.

GUILFOYLE: I know, but it's -- yes, OK. It's always money is the answer for liberals. Oh, the Republicans, they're inhumane. They got
(INAUDIBLE) arms. But that's not the situation here.

BECKEL: If you're not going -- you're not to get them all out at one time and they can't live in conditions like this, so you need funding.

GUILFOYLE: It's awful for these children, awful.


GUILFOYLE: It is awful for the children.

GUTFELD: But, Kimberly, you mentioned these gangs and I think it's inhumane to call them a gang. I think it's cruel. Maybe call them a troop or a cooperative, or a merry band of men seeking adventure.

TANTAROS: With great tattoos.

GUTFELD: Yes, their -- don't call that -- or ink.

BECKEL: They are Boy Scouts troop.

GUTFELD: They're Boy Scouts troop, exactly.


GUILFOYLE: I'm so sorry. It's from my L.A. prosecutor days. It hardens me. It's hardened me. Don't ban me.

GUTFELD: All right. Nancy -- I would never ban you.

All right. Nancy Pelosi thinks five men on the Supreme Court shouldn't make decisions about women's birth control. Megyn Kelly isn't buying it. You'll hear why when we come back.


GUILFOYLE: All right. Nancy Pelosi getting a little hysterical over the Hobby Lobby decision and she's playing the gender card. She thinks that, quote, "five men have no business ruling on birth control."


REP. NANCY PELOSI (D), CALIFORNIA: We should be afraid of this court, that five guys should start determining what contraceptions are legal or not. That court decision was a frightening one, that five men should get down to the specifics of whether a woman should use a diaphragm and should she pay for it herself or her boss. It's not her boss's business.


GUILFOYLE: Megyn Kelly isn't buying it.


MEGYN KELLY, FOX NEWS HOST: Nancy Pelosi either doesn't know what she's talking about or intentionally misleading you. First of all, the gender of the justices in the Hobby Lobby majority is totally irrelevant.
Ms. Pelosi's reference to it is obviously an attempt to stoke resentment.
When Roe versus Wade was decided, it was all men in the majority. Does Ms.
Pelosi those justices were ill-equipped to fairly decide that case? Or is it only when a judge disagrees with Ms. Pelosi that his gender is an issue?

If Speaker John Boehner made a similar comment about female Supreme Court justices, Nancy Pelosi would be crying sexism, and that's what she is guilty of here.


GUILFOYLE: Take it to Pelosi, MK-style.

All right. What do you think? What do you make as a man to --

BOLLING: I'm probably the worst person to go to there because I agree with Megyn for the reasons she just pointed out, because it's not just Pelosi, though. It's liberals. They do the same exact thing. If they get a Supreme Court ruling they don't like, the Supreme Court is biased, there's 5-4. We're screwed. We can't wait until there's another Democrat on the Supreme Court, Democrat appointed or whatever posted to the Supreme Court.

BECKEL: Are you kidding me?

BOLLING: But when they go in your favor like Obamacare and things like that, oh, they are the best things --

BECKEL: You were whining so much about that Obamacare, the 5-4 decision.

BOLLING: And you whined about the Hobby Lobby decision.

BECKEL: I was just about to say.

BOLLING: Your victory is about the Obamacare and then you cry-


BECKEL: I was about to say -- I was going agree with you. When you get beat in the Supreme Court you don't like it and use whatever ammo you got.

GUILFOYLE: He didn't make a gender argument about it.

All right, Andrea look, definitely a bold move on Megyn Kelly taking on Nancy Pelosi in a very pointed way. How do you see it?

TANTAROS: Well the next segment we're going to do on the show is how women can get away with things men can't? Women can get away with what Nancy Pelosi got away which is blaming men on the court or something. You know, this week, we've seen part of the Democratic Party either play the Catholics on the Supreme Court -


TANTAROS: -- or blame the men on the Supreme Court. So I'm sure they said OK you're a Democratic female, your hit that woman talking point.


TANTAROS: And if you would put any other word in that blank, Kimberly, right? Jewish, right? Any other word. Single woman and imply that somehow single woman on the Supreme Court are making these decisions, their heads would blow off on the other side.

GUILFOYLE: There would be an explosion.

TANTAROS: Yes. It's sexist what she's doing and it's really cheap too. I have this last question. You know the Griswold, birth control case was decided on the Supreme Court, that was mostly men. Does Pelosi have a problem with that?

GUILFOYLE: Well, that's the problem. She's very selective to try to make an argument to attack. The bottom line is if you equip yourself with the law and the constitution then you know that it was a ruling on sound legal principle. Is what the Supreme Court is supposed to do? They are not a partisan arm of either party.

BECKEL: If you look at brown versus board of education which I think was the most important decision in the civil rights movement, all white males and they voted unanimously. So I think you go to be a little careful. You can whine like I do when we do something. But I'm not the minority leader of the House of Representative that you got to be careful with your words. You also have to know your history. And if you don't understand history --

GUILFOYLE: Is this your advice to her?


BOLLING: Why are you being so logical and forward today?

GUILFOYLE: I don't know.

BECKEL: I had a rough day yesterday.

TANTAROS: Who is this woman you went out with this afternoon?

GUILFOYLE: I got a call from Pelosi's office and she wants you to ban five men and five napkin burger.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: By the way, Pelosi is right. Men made that court ruling. They also invented electricity. The polio vaccine and get this, they invented the birth control pill. What a bunch of sexist jerks.
I would say, Pelosi should think before she speaks but then she would never speak. We don't have sexist but she's sexist towards not just men but women but think women are incapable of existing without a government sugar daddy. They can't figure out how to buy their own pills. To her, women are helpless and the government is white knight, I'm sorry racist, the knight in shining armor that comes in to save the day. That's to me is more sexist.

BECKEL: My ex-wife believes electricity was done by a woman.

GUTFELD: Wasn't it Thomas Edison?

BECKEL: It was, I think.

GUTFELD: Ben Franklin the key and the light bulb. It really was Nicholas Tesla who got his stuff stolen from Thomas Edison. We know that's right, Russians?

GUILFOYLE: Oh my goodness.

BECKEL: That's right.

GUILFOYLE: That's another episode of "The Five" goes haywire.

All right, ahead, can women get away with some things that men can't?

Stick around because we'll debate that lightning rod topic next on "The Five."


TANTAROS: Fasten your seat belts for this one. We're now going to debate things in life that women can get away with that men can't.

The daily caller put together a list. Here are some interesting ones.
Women can go gaga over cute animals. Order overly complicated drinks like one with fat free milk but with extra whip cream on top. People watch without looking like a total creep. And this one probably isn't up for much debate, but women can easily get out of speeding tickets. That's one is probably is true.

BECKEL: That's true.

TANTAROS: OK. Kimberly, I added some to this list.


TANTAROS: Line jump. You can cut a line.

GUILFOYLE: Done that.


GUILFOYLE: Men usually can't get away when we do that.

TANTAROS: Shriek when we see a bug because when a guy does that he is kind a wuzz. And --

GUILFOYLE: I thought I took on a flying cockroach last night.

TANTAROS: Stress about our hair and get away along with it. Sorry, Bolling.

GUILFOYLE: Bolling is actually feminism on that one.

BOLLING: There's a more than that than it looks.

GUILFOYLE: Whatever you don't call Bolling when he's in the hair chair. No, no, I got to talk later. I'm doing the hair, man.

BECKEL: You see Eric can get away with it when he's in the hair chair. But you guys don't -- you can get away with it.

GUILFOYLE: We're girls.

BECKEL: That's my point. I got this all figured out frankly.


BECKEL: Women, first of all, they never forget anything. If you have an argument with a woman six months later you think it's resolved. She goes remember that thing we talked about. I thought it was a left field.
The other thing you know why they get out of speeding tickets?

GUILFOYLE: Be careful.

BOLLING: Be very careful.

GUILFOYLE: Daisy duke.

BECKEL: OK. They smile.

GUILFOYLE: What were you going say?

BOLLING: Doing the new Bob that actually matters. This is awesome, by the way.

GUILFOYLE: How do they get out of them?

BECKEL: I think they flirt with the cops and the cops are men.

GUILFOYLE: You are so well behaved today. Did you have a date this afternoon or lobotomy? Who stole the old Bob?

BECKEL: The lobotomy happened a long time ago.

TANTAROS: OK. Eric, what do you think about the list?

BOLLING: Here's what I think, you may left one off on the list. When you're on the beach, my wife will see a good looking guy and say good Lord, look at that. But if I see an attractive woman not only can I not comment on it I have to pretend I'm looking the other way. If I glance in the general direction I get smacked. The whole thing.

BECKEL: You know I'm glad I'm seeing you firing yourself on this one, you're right.

GUILFOYLE: She's very open with you. That's why

TANTAROS: Greg, some Italian man told me, you can do anything you want as long as you look good doing it. Is that your life motto?

GUTFELD: Yes, it is. But you know there's one perk women can't get away with and that's giving birth. So -- because they give birth they can have all the perks they want. If you had a choice, no perks at all and you don't give birth or giving birth and having the perks. I'll take the no perks any day. It's a mistake that feminists make. Chivalry exists not because men believe women are the weaker sex, chivalry exists because we believe women have the stronger burdens, they have the tougher job. The reason why men die younger is because we're busy preserving the more important sex.

BECKEL: I don't think men get enough credit for the birthing process.


BECKEL: I don't think men get enough credit for the birthing process.

GUILFOYLE: Here we go. You know Bob --

TANTAROS: Here's something that I thought of.


TANTAROS: Kimberly, women can get away but men can't slap women.
When he's being bad, you slap him --

GUILFOYLE: I know some men really like that so no one's brought a penalty flag on that.

BECKEL: She's a wonderful person. She catches you on "The Five"
ranch at 2:00 in the morning, almost got my head, I've been dead. It went in the wallfire and get away. My wife can't do "The Five" arm.

GUILFOYLE: She's a great golfer, right?

BECKEL: Yes, she was. She was a nice person.

TANTAROS: Are you upset about the double standard? Eric?

BOLLING: I never really thought of it but that one birthing experience makes up for a lot of opening doors.

GUTFELD: It clears the slate. The reasons from a biological standpoint they are more valuable than the male. That's why you can populate a city with one man.

BOLLING: We have to shave our face, right? That is a burden.

BECKEL: They keep moving our crap around. If you just could let it sit where it is and not move it all the time.

GUILFOYLE: Bob, that's another relationship segment.

BECKEL: It is?

GUILFOYLE: Yes. Bob Beckel does not left the building fully.

Make sure to stay tuned for this next segment a big birthday party and all of you are invited.


BECKEL: All righty. Today is a very special day for us on "The Five." it's our third birthday.

BECKEL: Hey, I'm reading about you guys. Is my tie straight now?
Thank you to all of our fans for sticking with us in the last three years.
We couldn't done this without you. We're going to go around the table now to talk about some of our favorite moments of the show.

Let's start with Kimberly.

GUILFOYLE: Hi, a lot of moments. Most of them involve you, Bob.


GUILFOYLE: I kind a woof your butt with chiggling with knives, New year's was nice.

BECKEL: You Cheated.

GUILFOYLE: Still living down that dream. But, you know what I loved?
I loved Broadway Joe Namath when I was interviewing him. You never know when the guy will go in for the Smackdown.


GUILFOYLE: All right, you heard it here with me from the greatest Joe Namath here in Times Square. We are getting along. All right.

BECKEL: Leave my girl alone. You're not strong enough. Your knees are bad. I have to tell you, it going to be a rough night next week.


GUILFOYLE: Bob was not happy. You know he's got bad knees. That's right, Bob.

BECKEL: I thought you were just saying that.

GUILFOYLE: That was me on TV right now?

BECKEL: How about you?

BOLLING: Well done. So you know I do this before every show, check out what happened before one of the shows.



GUILFOYLE: It's 5:00 in New York city and this is "The Five."

GUTFELD: Look at this. How can talk if I don't have my nose?

BECKEL: We have to let people know Eric is exuberance as he usually is with the way he knocked a cup of coffee all over Dana's lap.

GUILFOYLE: Dana Perino and Greg Gutfeld, it's 5:00 in New York city and this is "The Five."


BOLLING: Not that every moment of this show isn't absolutely wonderful but that hilarious I mean as we're coming up on screen.

GUILFOYLE: It went everywhere.

BECKEL: Check this way. How about you?

TANTAROS: This is like an obscene gesture in the Greek culture?

BOLLING: Really?

TANTAROS: Three years later I figured I thought I would clue you in.

GUTFELD: It means five guys.

BOLLING: At once?

GUTFELD: Five guys, one woman in court.

BECKEL: All right, go ahead, Andrea.

TANTAROS: I was going to pick when Sean Hannity cooked us stake because he lost a bet on the Superbowl. But I picked something sweet and it a special one that was recent and I got to go MC the opening ceremony, footage from the games. That was really truly special, I would have to say the best moment of the last year.

BECKEL: It was. It was a great piece you did, too.

Greg, how about you, buddy?

GUTFELD: Wow. Mine is like a downer after that. You guys remember on one more thing when I told you about how I went biking and I accidentally ran over that kitten and then here's Dana's response.


GUTFELD: We actually - we had to edit that out for the late night repeat because it was so disgusting.

GUILFOYLE: She's a dog person.

GUTFELD: She's a dog person.

GUILFOYLE: She's America's dog person.

BECKEL: Speaking about Dana. Dana is not here today but she sent us a limerick and I'm going to try to do my best Dana to do this right.
Here's what she said:

"Who thought that this show would still be here thriving at the end of year three but there's no better way to round off the day and that's how we all want to it be.

Happy Anniversary, Fivers."

BECKEL: Very nicely done, Dana.

GUILFOYLE: Is that how Dana sounds, Peter?

BECKEL: Yes. No Peter -- do you have to mention the dog? Can we get through one show and she's not here and not talking about this dog.

GUTFELD: If it was by Jasper you would have to pause.


GUTFELD: Excuse me in the face, America.

GUILFOYLE: Happy New Year.

BECKEL: I have decided -- I was going to use some of my raw ones but given my habit I thought, I decided - I just go with one I'm very proud of.
Greg tipped me off on this. It was when we took on CBS over the Amazing Race and so this is the, one of my tirades at CBS.


BECKEL: CBS can't do any better than that have people go to a memorial where people died then ought to go off the network, take that show and shove it. Apologize and now. You guys were anti-American and you deserve to apologize to veterans.

After hearing from you folks CBS did just that.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE (voice-over): We want to apologize to veterans particularly those who served in Vietnam.


BOLLING: Well done.

BECKEL: I'll say this. It's amazing to me how many people in "The Five" audience responded to that. I had a chance to talk to the head of the American legion and he was working -- a lot of people worked it was just not in the United States, but "The Five" audience CBS got over half a million hits on that and got a lot of pressure put on them. They said it.
It's the power of once in a while you have some influence here and I think it's great.

TANTAROS: You were also really excited that someone else was apologizing other than you?


BECKEL: Yes. That's something that happens to me. Remember the apology tour. I was going to go with that. But the problem I said something there that was at that real problem.

GUILFOYLE: People should know your heart is that right in the right place. You're a great guy.


GUTFELD: We know it's been in the right place. It's been removed and put somewhere else.

GUILFOYLE: And somewhere in the set cabinet, usually not the hard wood.

TANTAROS: There you go.

BECKEL: I said grease balls, right? And yet you said you shouldn't talk about Italians that way. Greg said, wait a minute, when you cook you get grease up in your hair and I should have run with that I didn't. I went right back to the Italians.

BOLLING: Do you think it was a good idea to repeat it?

BECKEL: I don't know, Eric. Look, it is what it is. I am what I am.
I can't change that. So there you go.

All right. One more thing is up next.


BOLLING: All right. It's time for one more thing. Andrea being kick it off.

TANTAROS: I love water slides and officially now, the water slide in Greg's apartment is the second -


TANTAROS: -- largest, while you so to speak, isn't it?

BOLLING: It's an accidental water slide.

TANTAROS: OK. Kansas City, Kansas is now home to the world's largest water slide. Check this out.


BECKEL (voice-over): What are those water stuff?

TANTAROS (voice-over): This is what it looks like to actually slide down the water slide.

GUILFOYLE (voice-over): It's so crazy.

TANTAROS: I love water parks. Isn't so cool?

GUILFOYLE: Not scary at all.

BECKEL: Hey, I went down -

TANTAROS: How fun is that?

GUILFOYLE: Does it actually --

TANTAROS: No, it doesn't look like controlled water to me. Looks really pretty

GUILFOYLE: I think we should all go to like action park or great adventure for "The Five"? What do guys think?

BECKEL: I get sick and vomit.

GUILFOYLE: Bob, we went go the Night Loop.

BECKEL: I know but not like that.

GUILFOYLE: That looks like fun.


BOLLING: Greg, you're up.

GUTFELD: I'm up?


GUTFELD: All right. Anthony Cumia, used to be Anthony going to be up red eye to talk about his outrageous tweets that got him fired from Sirius.
I have a double ban phrase. Putting aside and, what's the other one? We need a longer conversation. Both of these are the ways of saying I cannot defend myself against your facts.

So if you say something factual, they go, we're putting that aside or nail them they always say we need to have a longer conversation. Then they scurry away. Don't use those with me or I'll kill you.

BECKEL: There you go. All right, Eric. Kimi, Kimi, Kimberly.

GUILFOYLE: I didn't do it.

TANTAROS: Were you hosting a segment?

GUILFOYLE: What's wrong with you, Bob?

BECKEL: I don't know.

GUILFOYLE: Wait. Why is Bob calling on people?

BOLLING: I have absolutely nothing. That was the last segment.

In time for --

"Fool of the Week."

Every week my toughest job is to figure out who is the right fool of the week. So many things to choose from.

SEN. HARRY REID (D -NV), SENATE MAJORITY LEADER: The one thing we're going to do during this week sooner rather than is to ensure that women's lives are not determined by virtue of five white men. This hobby lobby decision is outrageous. And we're going to do something about it.


BOLLING: Senate Majority Leader Mr. Reid, five white men. Did you forget about this guy? This guy, this guy Clarence Thomas, clearly not one of the five white guys you referenced. You are the fool of the week.

All right, K.G. you're up.

GUILFOYLE: That wasn't good. You're right I mean that was a good one. All right. So let's talk about the United States of America and how amazing it is.

GUTFELD: We never do that. We constantly bashing America.

GUILFOYLE: We're going to do it. We want to talk to you about something I'm proud of and I think it's incredible and speaks to the greatness of this country.

We have the United States Naval Hospital Ship, the USS Mercy and participating in the world's largest maritime exercise, Rim of the 2014 and this marks the first time in the exercises in the 24 year history that a hospital ship has joined the mission. Keep in mind they can house up to
1100 medical personnel, CT scanners, four radiology machines, operation rooms and a thousand patient beds. That's what this country is capable of in disaster relief.

BOLLING: Absolutely.

BECKEL: I'm sorry, I just wanted to say, I think I just have to speak up on behalf of all of us here on "The Five" --

GUILFOYLE: You can't speak for me.


GUILFOYLE: Well, I'm sorry I'm not willing to speak on this one.

BECKEL: The reason this show is a success is because of you all. You are loyal viewers. You get in touch us about a lot of things. You don't hold back particularly with me. We couldn't have been here with you and we'll be here for a lot more years. And you something, I didn't think we would last for two months and we did.

BOLLING: You jinxed it.

GUILFOYLE: Happy anniversary, Bob.

BOLLING: Have a great weekend, everybody.

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