Miller Time: A matter of trust

Comedian on trust in America, Amazon’s drones and cell phones on planes

This is a RUSH transcript from "The O'Reilly Factor," December 4, 2013. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

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O'REILLY: Thanks for staying with us. I'm Bill O'Reilly in the "Miller Time" segment. Tonight, three hot topics. Let's get right to the sage of southern California who joins us here in the studio tonight. Miller?

DENNIS MILLER, RADIO TALK SHOW HOST: Billy, hectic in Manhattan tonight. They are lighting the ...

(CROSSTALK)

O'REILLY: ... fir tree over there. And what is it called? The Affordable Health Care Tree? I don't even know ...

(LAUGHTER)

MILLER: Everything is so politically correct now. And then I see them holding Rudolph down for a forced -- Bloomberg is forcing a rhinoplasty on him. Taking the regular nose out and putting in a low energy curly Q thing. And then I ran into Martin Bashir playing Sancho Panza to the naked cowboys of ...

O'REILLY: There is a lot going on.

MILLER: It's crazy.

(CROSSTALK)

MILLER: Happy Kwanzaa!

O'REILLY: Do you know what they are decking the big tree with?

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: 16-ounce soft drinks. That's what it's going to be because Bloomberg is out there mocking them on the tree.

MILLER: That is tough out there.

O'REILLY: All right. The new poll, Miller, and I'm sure you are going to be interested in. Let's put it up on the screen. According to the Associated Press, Americans are very suspicious of each other now. The question in general, how much would you trust other people in following situations? Access to medical records? 50 percent would not trust them. People who prepare your food in restaurants? 47 percent don't trust those people. So why are you eating out? People who you hire to do work in your home, 41 percent. People who share photos and other stuff on the net, 38 percent. So apparently we are a paranoid nation, Miller. We are paranoid.

MILLER: As we should be, brother.

O'REILLY: Yeah.

MILLER: I just walked down ten blocks from my hotel and my mook to cool person ratio on the way down was 27 to 1. And it's trending towards 28. People are crazy. When did people ever trust each other? When they were sitting around the (inaudible) loser, with somebody eyeballing they had stink idea, (inaudible) we'll beat them over the head with it. That's the way it's always have been.

O'REILLY: You and I were raised the same thing. And remember Ozzie and Harriet and remember - remember "Father Knows Best" and "Leave It to Beaver?" They trusted each other.

MILLER: Those were hallucinations, Bill.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: Really, they weren't true?

MILLER: Before crazy. Trust is earned. (inaudible). What is that? Yiddish? That's been around for a long time.

O'REILLY: Yeah, that's Latin. That's Latin. But in your life, do you trust a lot of people?

MILLER: I love doing it live with you. It's a pretty - something like the Roland and Martin (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: That comparison was made before. In your life, do you trust a lot of people?

MILLER: I trust the people who earned my trust. Do I trust people right out of the box? No. People are crazy.

O'REILLY: You're skeptical. Right.

MILLER: This whole thing about calling up with Obamacare navigator and giving your vitals over to somebody who got drummed out they couldn't sit at the desk at acorn for God's sakes? And you are going to call them up and give them your vitals?

O'REILLY: Yeah.

MILLER: You are crazy if you do that.

O'REILLY: OK. Cell phones on planes. You travel a lot?

MILLER: Yeah.

O'REILLY: You're looking forward to be - making some calls?

MILLER: I predict if they have people yacking at the top of their lungs on cross-country flights, there will be eight people dead with spork wounds in the first week on the major airline. For God's sake, it's one of the few places we can get away from this crap. And, you know, my problem is I'm always sitting next to the kid on the plane who wants to yack and he's got the boring life. I'm never sitting next to Edison. You know, I'm sitting next to Kagar (ph) or Eddie and he is talking about how June bug is cheating on him. Yeah, I always gets that crazy guy. Can I sit next to somebody who has got a life? Never have people with less lives chronicle them more than today for God's sake.

O'REILLY: OK. But you usually fly first class. There has got to be some interesting people.

MILLER: Unless I'm flying private.

O'REILLY: OK.

MILLER: Or unless like I came in here, I save money, 79 bucks. I dead headed in on an unused Amazon drone.

O'REILLY: Is that right?

MILLER: Yeah, you've got a crew ...

O'REILLY: You were on the Amazon drone?

MILLER: You're getting it fit, or you're only with two other people though and I saved some money.

O'REILLY: But let's get back. We'll get to the ...

MILLER: You know, when the drone was going after me?

O'REILLY: Where?

MILLER: Delivering the blow to the Toronto mayor. He gets some scope. Into the house, right.

O'REILLY: Now, in coach, up the airlines.

MILLER: Yeah.

O'REILLY: It's it like you are already sitting on somebody's lap. It's like this.

MILLER: Coach. You've got (inaudible) carried between your house and here by those people who carry the husband and the bride ...

O'REILLY: Right.

MILLER: ... in the Celine Dion's wedding. You're in one of those chairs.

O'REILLY: I got Nefertiti slaves carrying me to work.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: OK. We have established that. All right. Now, can you imagine - these little seats when everybody - you're right on top of people?

MILLER: It's going to be violent. People are going to beg to bring back smoking at that point.

(LAUGHTER)

MILLER: That's how crazy that's going to be.

O'REILLY: If you were able to choose between cell phone and smoking, we will take the cigarettes?

MILLER: What about we have the flight attendant be a drone and that little thing just comes down the aisle and you grab your whiskey and soda. Everybody gets blasted. Everybody is on the phone or texting or instagraming? It's ...

O'REILLY: All right.

MILLER: it's the end of air travel as we know it.

O'REILLY: All right. You are obsessed with the drones.

MILLER: Yeah.

O'REILLY: Now, this is one of the greatest publicity stunts of all time, on "60 Minutes" on Saturday.

MILLER: Yeah, it's beautiful.

O'REILLY: Where Bezos of Amazon says he is going to deliver packages by drones in a few years. That's totally bull. And I will tell you why in a moment, but I want your take on it.

MILLER: Well, my take is that nobody's eyes are wider than Bezos. As nobody is more slitty than Charlie. I mean the two of them together.

O'REILLY: Charlie Rose?

MILLER: Yeah, I mean think of the whole ocular thing. You know, Charlie is - and he's like this is going to be big in a couple of years, this thing. God, the whole thing is covered here. Listen, I long for the old days when a drone was Al Gore going on and on about climate change ...

(LAUGHTER)

MILLER: You know, but I'm an old man. Can we take care of getting these drones over our consulates in crazy countries, Billy?

O'REILLY: That's Miller's house.

MILLER: Why do we have that over the Benghazi thing, for God's sake? Why do I need a four pack of suppositories delivered to my house from the ionosphere? Let's get some security, for god's sake. You are damn right I'm smitten.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: Do you know why this is not going to work?

(LAUGHTER)

MILLER: Why?

O'REILLY: The first time the drone lands on a little kid there is going to be a $10 million lawsuit.

MILLER: Yeah, the first time an idiot tries to return something by drone.

O'REILLY: That's right. And it blows up.

MILLER: Gets their groin caught in the whip around thing.

O'REILLY: And they are going to get it mixed up. They are going to get the drone intended for Abdullah, it's going to go into Illinois.

MILLER: And to bring it full circle that's why I don't trust people.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: It's not going to happen on the drone. But the guy is a genius.

MILLER: Yeah, let me do my Charlie impression. Hey, Jeff, what the hell is behind this door? This is a drone! Phhh ...

O'REILLY: There you go. Dennis Miller, everybody. He's loose on the streets of New York.

(LAUGHTER)

O'REILLY: We have two bolder fresher shows to tell you about. Two ..

MILLER: Merry Christmas, Billy.

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